Bitterness, I believe, is the number one killer of our marriages. Many would object and say it is differences on money or incompatibility, but these people do not understand how bitterness is a root problem to these and many other marital difficulties. It is this bitterness which step by step separates the couple from each other and lessening their commitment to each other.God wants to bring healing to your marriages. He wants to eliminate all resentment.Part of our problem is that we don’t understand how He has already given us the tools to snap the intimidating influence of bitterness in our marriages through the wonderful power of the Gospel.That little stone that God used in David’s hand is much like a special tool that God has given to His children to take down the threatening giant of bitterness. When we in our simple faith and obedience respond, we see God’s powerful love bring down all the walls of resentment.If you could exchange a marriage where you merely tolerate each other for one in which you can't wait to be with each other, would you? We will show you how to take major steps toward this goal during this session. There is no doubt that God created marriage to be a blessing for mankind. Both the husband and wife are to find great fulfillment in marriage.Anyone who has been infected by bitterness knows that it can be so dominating that all of whole life is influenced by it. All sorts of physical and emotional symptoms pop up including lots of stress-related pains and diseases. But it doesn’t stop there.Bitterness starts by destroying relationships. It starts so quietly, though. Here are some possible symptoms of a breakdown in a relationship due to bitterness: rolling your eyes, ignoring simple requests, easily irritated, calling names in 'fun,' criticizing spouse’s efforts, jest about shortcomings, feeling put out. So many marriages have been destroyed simply by not following the apostle’s simple instruction."Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice" (Ephesians 4:31).Bitterness should not be accepted in our personal lives. If we refused to tolerate it, then it would not plague our marriages. Bitterness eats away from the goodness that God has given to us in marriage.Why have so many couples accepted some degree of bitterness in their marriages? Some have never thought about how bitterness is related to their troubled marriages. Others know of it but are so clearly committed to destroying the other that they are willing to put up with the suffering.In our following discussion, we will show you how bitterness and anger deeply damage marriage. We will outline clear steps to eliminate bitterness and gain that sweet relationship marriage ought to be.
A) Understanding the Root of Bitterness
Bitterness comes from being offended by someone and holding a begrudging heart against him. For example, a husband says to his wife, “That meal was not good.”His intention might not be as bad as the wife feels. But in any case, the wife resents her husband’s remark. She thinks to herself how it is easy for him to just come home and expect a grand meal. The seed of bitterness can be planted in so many ways. Instead of speaking honestly with her husband about how that comment hurt her, she secretly stores the offense in her heart then cools her heart toward him.From the verse above (Ephesians 4:31), we can see that bitterness has many ‘brothers and cousins’ including: wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice.Bitterness is the root of many problems. A bitter heart spawns all sorts of evil reactions. Wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice are all means by which resentment expresses itself. Bitterness cannot stay in the heart by itself. It is true, bitterness can stay dormant for a long period until its storm arises, but it will come.We should take off all of these expressions of hatred and discard them, get rid of them completely. When a person wants to remove a tree, he does not just cut off the branches. He has to get own to the dirty work of getting out the roots. Otherwise the branches will just grow back stronger than before.The real solution is not just to get rid of the expression of anger but to deal with the root of bitterness. Let us see how bitterness can do such an evil work even in normal people like you and me.The reason bitterness is so devastating is that it provides the justification for being mean, cold, short-tempered or unpleasant to others. Bitterness nurtures itself through its self-appointed privilege. Most people know that it is wrong to hate others. Our conscience tells us that it is wrong to do evil to others.This limits the expression of our hatred towards others. If people are going to persist in their meanness toward someone, they need some way to override the guilt function of their conscience. Otherwise the guilt would pile on so thick that they would have to stop being mean. They feel bad (guilty) about it. Bitterness provides the needed short circuit that allows them to bypass the work of their consciences not only to do evil to others but even to feel smug and self-righteous about it.How does bitterness do this? Bitterness fools the person by tricking his conscience. The person only needs to dwell upon the way someone offended him, and he becomes free from the protection of his conscience.A biological parallel might be the effect of drugs or alcohol on a person’s body. The nerve connections become dulled so that he is able, in his drunken stupor, to do things that he would never otherwise do. Bitterness is a soul drug. It allows people to do evil things that they would not otherwise think themselves capable of doing.I remember a former neighbor. He had so much bitterness that it destroyed his marriage and his relationship with his children. He would ride around with a gun in the car in case he got enough nerve to kill himself. It is important to know how bitterness works. It seems so powerful, but it can be disabled.Bitterness works as long as it is being focused on. One would think that a person would spit out the poisonous venom of bitterness from his life just as I did the lemon. But people hold on to it. Why? The one who feels he or she has been wronged gains a slight sense of power and control.In most cases, these people are convinced that they are God’s appointed people to carry out justice. That is right. They believe that they are doing good when they are in fact doing evil. It is this faulty sense of justice that blinds them to the evil of their actions.When this happens in a marriage, the spouse puts him or herself at complete odds against his mate. Nursing the hatred and pain extend the ‘twoness’ and virtually eliminates the ‘oneness’ of marriage. They are married, but they act as two. Two opponents. Bitterness makes this division permanent as long as he or she wants it to last. Let’s take an even closer look at how bitterness works its wretched evil.
A Peek Inside of Bitternes
"See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled" (Hebrews 12:15).The scriptures reveal many things about bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 states three things about bitterness.1) Short of God’s grace (The mark of bitterness)2) Root of bitterness (The nature of bitterness)3) Being defiled (The result of bitterness)
1) Short of God’s grace (The Mark of Bitterness)
People can claim to be God’s and yet not have God’s blessing upon their lives. This is true with bitter people. Hebrews 12:15 says that some people come‘short of the grace of God.’ Bitter people have withheld grace and therefore, God withholds His grace and mercy from them. Jesus clearly stated this in the Sermon on the Mount in the Lord’s prayer and afterwards emphasized it."For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15).Jesus talked a lot about forgiveness for it lies at the heart of the gospel. Jesus tells us of the man who refused to forgive one who owed him so little even when the king had already forgiven his much larger debt (see side bar). When we withhold grace, it will be withheld from us.The Importance of Forgiving One AnotherMatthew 18:23-35For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. And when he had begun to settlethem, there was brought to him one who owed him ten thousand talents. But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made. The slave therefore falling down, prostrated himself before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will repay you everything.’ And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt. But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to chokehim, saying, ‘Pay back what you owe.’So his fellow slave fell down and beganto entreat him, saying, ‘Have patience with me and I will repay you.’ He was unwilling however, but went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed. So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.Then summoning him, his lord said to him, ‘You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, even as I had mercy on you?’And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.”Those people who are caught in the net of bitterness think that they have the right to carry out their vindictive spirit. When in fact, Jesus clearly states that these people who refuse to forgive others are in great danger. We know these passages raise all sorts of questions about what does “comes short of the grace of God” mean. Does it mean that a Christian can loose his salvation? Jesus describes their judgment in a very vivid way. We will leave it as Jesus did. He leaves us no doubt as to the cost of an unforgiving heart. The point is simply that in no case is anyone right to carry bitterness in his soul. We must always forgive everyone even our mate.God’s grace will be held back from us as long as we hold it back from another. An unforgiving spirit is like withdrawing life and allowing death to set into our bodies. No wonder bitter people have the saddest marriages and lives on earth.
2) Root of bitterness (The Nature of Bitterness)
Hebrews 12:15 continues on by mentioning the ‘root of bitterness.’ There are two aspects to this root.First of all, the scripture speaks of the sure way bitterness can cling to our souls. A plant’s resistance comes from its roots. If there are no roots, the plant will not live. But because the root is there, then the plant with its evident branches, leaves and blossoms will manifest itself if given enough time.If a person is bitter or acts bitterly, then he should know that at sometime in the past a seed of bitterness was allowed to grow within his soul. Something has happened in his or her past that must be properly dealt with in order to eliminate the bitterness.Secondly, we see that the root will spring forth all sorts of diabolical troubles. These I believe are the manifestations of bitterness along with their consequences. The larger the manifestations of bitterness, the greater the root of bitterness has grown. Bitterness has no good results. Justice is never served. Grace is never given. Marriages are destroyed. Some roots are bigger and deeper than others. Nurturing the root of bitterness causes it to grow.
3) Many be defiled (The Result of Bitterness)
The scripture passage above says in a final word that people who are bitter will be defiled and that the defilement in most cases spreads over into the lives of others. This is ever so clear. Can one spouse be bitter and the other not be influenced by it?Clamor speaks of raging words.Malice is the evil that is finally carried out.Anger is the means disposition in which he expresses his displeasure.Wrath is the volatile anger that erupts like a volcano.Bitterness springs sort all sorts of trouble.And to make things worse, those who are the victims of such acts, often get bitter themselves.Instead of being a means that God uses to extend His grace and mercy to others, this person has become an instrument through which Satan carries out his diabolical work. Anyone who plays in mud gets muddy. Those who play with muddy people get muddied. Anyone who plays in the field of hatred and scorn, will be defiled.
Summary
Let’s think about these things from the perspective of marriage. People get married to have a loving relationship and all the good fruits that come from such a relationship. When bitterness implants itself in either of the spouse’s heart, they end up with terrible troubles.The problems go way beyond the simple disappointment of not having a loving relationship. The difficulties can be so overwhelming that life together becomes intolerable.The seed (the offense) must first be planted. Roots grow. If we allow the seed to sprout and take root, then the plant of bitterness will grow and affect increasing areas of life.On the other hand, we can pull out that root. If we exercise a little resolve here or there we can put some small offenses aside. In such cases, we will forget that the root is still buried in the ground.By God’s grace we need to dig the dirt away from the root to expose it. Then the root can be easily pulled out. Let’s go on and see how to do this. Meanwhile, don’t let the bitter seed be planted! Avoid taking offense by always forgiving one another.
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