WHAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM FORGIVING YOUR SPOUSE?

Are you having a tough time, at the moment, trying to forgive your spouse of some hurtful offense, or maybe a string of conflicts that have continued unresolved in your marriage?  Forgiveness is one very important key to resolving these conflicts.  But, do you know why we forgive and how to actually do it?  If you will apply the principles you are about to learn, your relationship can be restored to experience the oneness and companionship you once knew.  Let’s begin by looking at why you must forgive. Why should you forgive?

1. Because it is God’s command. This is an essential place to begin in your thinking.  Many couples think that somehow forgiveness is merely an option they have available to them; something they can take or leave.  However, this is not the case.  The Word of God declares that you must forgive any and all who offend you.  This command would, of course, include your spouse.  Jesus said, “... if you have anything against anyone, forgive him...”(Mark 11:25).  Paul the Apostle also declared this imperative when he commanded the believers at Colosse to forgive.  He encouraged them to bear with one another and forgive one another,“...if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do” (Col. 3:13 underline added).  Therefore, it is clear that forgiveness is not an option, but a definite command and responsibility for every believer who has been offended.  You must forgive, even as Christ forgave you.  This is your calling as a Christian.Jesus said, “If you love Me, keep My commandments” (John 14:15).  Ultimately, forgiveness is an expression of your love for the Lord; an act of obedience to God because you desire to please Him above all others, even yourself.  Please Him now by obeying His command to forgive.

2. Unless you forgive, you have no right to ask God to forgive you. In the Lord’s prayer Jesus made it clear that you must forgive just as you expect God to forgive you.  Jesus taught His disciples to pray, “...forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors” (Matt. 6:12).  Jesus assumed that we would make the connection that if we were going to ask for His forgiveness we would naturally forgive others in the same manner.  In fact, Jesus made it clear that “if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses” (Mark 11:26).  You may think this is a harsh statement by Jesus, but it reveals just how much importance He places on your obedience to forgive others. Therefore, you have no right to ask for His forgiveness or to expect to be forgiven if you are refusing to forgive your spouse.  You must see the very real consequences of  your refusal to forgive and see also how God views these actions if you are ever to change.

3. Unless you forgive, you will be the real loser. What do you lose when you refuse to forgive?  First, you lose the fellowship and closeness in your own relationship with the Lord.  As we saw from the previous point, when you choose not to forgive, God refuses to forgive you.  This creates an immediate distance between you and the Father due to your disobedience.  Within a very short time you will begin to sense a dryness within your spirit.  This is God’s chastening hand seeking to bring you back to Himself.  Unforgiveness simply robs you of the peace and joy God intends for your life.  Many times the only person you are hurting by your unforgiveness is yourself.  This is a simple equation: you can’t be happy and be unforgiving at the same time.  It doesn’t work that way.  Solomon noted this truth when he declared, “The merciful man does good for his own soul, but he who is cruel troubles his own flesh” (Prov. 11:17).  Are you troubling your own flesh because you are refusing to forgive?  If you want to be happy in your own life, you must be merciful and forgive your spouse just as you want to be forgiven.Second, unforgiveness robs you of the oneness in your relationship with your spouse.  You can’t be in love and have the real intimacy you desire while at the same time holding resentment.  The Apostle Peter revealed the means of how two people were to find the oneness needed for a real relationship.  He said, “be of one mind, having compassion one for another” (1 Peter 3:8).  If you refuse to show compassion and forgiveness toward one another, the oneness you long for will never be found.How do you actually forgive one another?

1. Ask God to open your eyes to your own sin. This is a truth that I personally have found to help me forgive quickly.  Many times the real problem with unforgiveness is that of self-righteousness.  We think, “How could he or she have ever done this to me?” forgetting that we also have sinned against our spouse many times.  We can’t see the plank in our own eye which definitely distorts the view of our husband’s or wife’s sin.  Jesus said, “First, remove the plank from you own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:5).Therefore, the quickest way to become a person who forgives easily is to ask God to reveal to you your own sin as well as His abundant forgiveness toward you.  Once you have seen the plank in your own eye, your attitude toward your mate will change dramatically. This is how Jesus taught Peter to forgive seventy times seven.  He told Peter a story of a man who was required by his lord to repay an impossible debt.  He asked his lord if he would have patience so that he could repay everything.  But his lord, instead, was moved with compassion and chose to release him by forgiving the entire debt.  This servant who had been forgiven then went out and refused to forgive another man a very small debt.  His lord returned and asked him, “Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?” (Matt. 18:33).This is a good question to ask yourself.  If you truly see how much God has forgiven you, should you not show the same compassion toward your spouse?  Ask God to open your eyes to your own sin and the magnitude of His forgiveness in your own life.  This will give you a more tender heart towards your mate.  The Apostle Paul also associates tenderness of heart with the understanding that you also have been forgiven.  He said, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you” (Eph. 4:32 underline added).  Tenderness in your heart will always come as you consider God’s forgiveness in your life.  Stop right now and think about how much God has forgiven you.  However, don’t let this be a one-time reflection, but make it the daily meditation of your heart.With these practical guidelines, I am assuming that you have already received the forgiveness of Christ in your own life.  If you have not yet received the forgiveness offered by Jesus, this is where you must begin.  Without first receiving the Father’s forgiveness, you will have no access to God’s power to enable you to take the actions described here.  God loves you and wants to help you reconcile your marriage, but you must first be reconciled to Him.  Before you read any further, please consider your own need of God.  Humble yourself before Him and ask Him to forgive your sins and take over your life.  Scripture says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).  The Apostle John said of Jesus, “as many as receive Him, to them He gave the right to become the children of God, to those who believed in His name” (John 1:12).

2. Ask God for a willing heart. Many times this is one of the simplest reasons why you refuse to forgive.  It’s that you just don’t want to forgive; you would rather nurse the resentment and punish your spouse for his or her offense.  This is especially true with long-term conflicts that surface over and over again.  Your heart grows harder, and your willingness to forgive decreases with each occurrence.Once you see your own sin, you now need to ask God for a willing heart to forgive.  He will give it to you if you will just ask.  Remember, “...it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Phil. 2:13).  It is God’s good pleasure that you forgive your spouse, so ask Him to begin His work to make you willing.  Don’t wait any longer, it will never be any easier than it is right now.

3. Choose to obey His command. Now that you are tender-hearted and willing to forgive, it only remains that you make the choice to do it.  Jesus commanded that every one us must forgive “from his heart” (Matt. 18:35).  This is where the choice is made.  Before you ever come to seek reconciliation with your mate, you must first deal with it at the heart level.  Once you have chosen to forgive in your heart, then you are ready to talk about the offense with your husband or wife.This choice within your heart does not depend upon whether you feel like forgiving your mate.  In fact, your choice to forgive will probably be contrary to your feelings.  Personally, I have never felt like forgiving anybody, but I do so because I know I am commanded to forgive.  Knowing that forgiveness is God’s command encourages me to ask for the willingness, and enables me to make the choice to actually do it.Be sure of this one thing: if you are waiting for some overwhelming feeling of forgiveness before you actually make the choice to forgive, you will never do it.  The feelings of forgiveness come after you have made the choice to forgive, not before.  These feelings of love and forgiveness are the result of reconciling with your spouse.  Think of the times you have reconciled with your mate in the past.  After you forgave one another, didn’t the anger and resentment melt in your heart?  The tears began to flow and the joy and love returned to your relationship.  This was the result of taking the correct action before you felt like it.  People struggle with this concept of action-before-feeling because our culture is so feeling-oriented.  People today only want to do what feels good.  However, Jesus taught that we should do just the opposite when it comes to forgiveness.To prove this, you need to read the entire passage of Luke 17:1-10 in context.  There, Jesus taught His disciples to forgive even if someone should sin against them seven times in one day.  The disciples, seeing great difficulty in forgiving this many times, asked the Lord to increase their faith.  He told them that this wasn’t necessary; all they needed was to use the faith they already possessed.  Then Jesus told them a story to illustrate how they could exercise their mustard-seed faith and choose to forgive without the feelings.  The story was of a servant who came home one day tired from plowing the fields and tending his master’s sheep.  This servant obviously didn’t feel like serving anymore that day.  But, the master requested his servant to go and prepare his dinner and serve him before sitting down himself.  In the story Jesus declared that the servant did what his master wanted because he was commanded to do so.  In other words, this servant took actions that were against his feelings simply because he was commanded to by his master.  Jesus told His disciples, “So likewise you, when you have done all those things which you are commanded, say, ‘We are unprofitable servants. We have done what was our duty to do.’” (Luke 17:10).The point of this story is that you have been commanded to forgive by your Master, and it’s not an option to refuse this command.  You must make the choice to forgive no matter how you feel simply because you know this pleases God.  Once you have done what you have been commanded to do, then you can sit down and enjoy the feast of a heart satisfied that you have done what was your duty to do.4. Determine to make a promise. When God forgives, He makes a very important promise to you that you must also make when you forgive your spouse.  God says, “I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more” (Heb. 8:12).  The Greek word translated remember means to hold in a mental grasp, to recollect, or to dwell upon in order to use at a later time to punish.  The Hebrew word for remember means to mention or recount again.  The promise God makes here is very important.  He is promising that when He forgives you, He will never recount or mention your sin to you ever again.  He doesn’t hold your sins in a mental grasp to use at a later time.  It’s not that He forgets your sin, He can’t do that because He is omniscient and knows all things.  He simply chooses not to remember it against you or bring it up to you again in order to condemn or punish you.  What a glorious promise!  When God forgives, He promises never to throw your sin up in your face ever again.When you forgive, you must have the same heart of forgiveness because Scripture commands you to forgive “just as God in Christ also forgave you” (Eph. 4:32).  Here are three specific ways you should emulate God’s promise to forgive: 

(1) When you forgive, you should see this as a promise to never condemn your spouse again with his or her past faults.  To bring these issues up again would mean you have broken your promise to forgive. 
(2) When you forgive, you should see this as a promise not to recount or mention his or her failures to anyone else; this would constitute gossip. 
(3) When you forgive, you should see this as a promise not to ever recount or brood over these issues in your own mind.  If you dwell on these offenses in your thought life, the anger and resentment will return. 

This is the practical meaning of the promise; not to mention these issues ever again to your spouse, to others, or to yourself.  If you fail to do this, you are breaking your promise of forgiveness toward your mate.  If you keep your promise in this manner, the past will truly be past, and your relationship will be able to grow, even blossom.What should you do when you realize you have broken your promise to forgive?  First, go back to God and ask His forgiveness.  Then, choose again in your heart to forgive your spouse.  Often, this choice must be made several times in a day, simply because you are battling your own will that wants to take revenge.  If you continue to make the choice to forgive, while at the same time asking God for his power to work in you the total willingness to forgive, you will overcome the resentment.  Just surrender your desire for revenge and ask for the love of God to fill your heart.What forgiveness does not mean.1. Forgiveness does not mean that reconciliation is automatic. Just because you forgive your spouse in your heart does not mean that everything is reconciled between you.  Choosing to forgive in your heart is only where the process begins.  You now need to speak to your spouse and tell him or her that you are hurt and offended.  Jesus said, “...if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone” (Matt. 18:15).  Your mate may already know there is a breach between you, but if not, you need to verbalize it with the motivation of seeking reconciliation.  Jesus also said in another place that once you have spoken to the person who has offended you, “...if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3).This is a second aspect of forgiveness; the verbal granting of forgiveness to the offending party.  This should only be given when your spouse acknowledges his or her fault and asks for your forgiveness.  Then you can verbally declare to him or her, “I forgive you.”  You are only able to verbally grant this forgiveness because you have already forgiven in your heart.Notice, the Scripture doesn’t require someone to merely say, “I’m sorry.”  Being sorry is only half of the reconciliation process.  A person can be sorry that the problem has occurred, but sorrow must be coupled with a request for forgiveness and repentance.  When you ask for a person’s forgiveness you are asking this individual to make a choice to obey God’s command and to make the same promise to you as I described above.  This is much more than a simple acknowledgment that you are sorry.But, you ask, “What happens when your husband or wife refuses to acknowledge his or her fault?”  Should you still verbally tell your mate that you forgive him or her?  Absolutely not; simply because the offense is not reconciled.  Even though you have forgiven from the heart, there cannot be complete reconciliation until your spouse acknowledges his or her fault.  Save any verbal granting of forgiveness until this occurs.  Let me give you an example of why this is the biblical response.Consider for a moment the redemption of the world through the death of Jesus Christ.  When Jesus was being put to death He prayed, “...Father, forgive them for they do not know what they do” (Luke 23:34).  There upon the cross Jesus purchased the means of forgiveness for the whole world.  Through the shedding of His blood Christ “obtained eternal redemption” (Heb. 9:12).  “God was in Christ reconciling the world unto Himself” (2 Cor. 5:19).  But, does this mean that all men are actually forgiven and reconciled with God?  Surely not.  For complete reconciliation to occur between man and God, a person must acknowledge and repent of his sin and ask God’s forgiveness.  Only then does God grant the forgiveness He has already determined in His heart.  The same thing will be true in your marriage relationship.  Forgiveness cannot be verbally granted until there is an honest acknowledgment of fault and a request for pardon.

2. Forgiveness is never deserved. No one deserves forgiveness.  You didn’t deserve God’s forgiveness when He pardoned you, nor can you ever deserve it by any good work you do in the future.  God completely canceled your debt simply because of His mercy, erasing it from your account forever.Likewise, you must not wait until you believe that your spouse deserves your forgiveness before you grant it.  He or she will never be perfect nor never fail in the future anymore than you will be flawless.  Don’t set up a standard that he or she can never reach before you think complete forgiveness is deserved.  You are required to “be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful” (Luke 6:36).  You can never deserve mercy.  It’s a gift given freely from the heart.  Therefore, cultivate mercy and you will learn to fully and freely forgive.

3. Forgiveness does not mean you condone what your spouse has done.  Many think that when they repeatedly forgive an offense that they are communicating to their spouse that the transgressions are excusable or all right.  Is this true?  Of course not.  If this were true, then, when God forgives you over and over again, it would mean that He also condones sin, and this is definitely not the case.  When God forgives you repeatedly, He is communicating to you His love and commitment to show mercy.  Yet, God also hates sin.  It repulses and offends Him, but He still forgives it.  This is why Jesus asked the woman taken in the act of adultery to “go and sin no more”(John 8:11).  God expects a change of lifestyle when He forgives, because this is what true repentance is all about.  If He didn’t require a change of attitude and action from us, God would be condoning our sin.Therefore, in your martial conflicts if you hate what has occurred between you, forgive, and then require changes that will keep this problem from happening again.  This is what Paul called the “works befitting repentance” (Acts 26:20). 

To see these changes will entail some serious conversations in which you should discuss practical solutions.  You also may need to get some counseling from your pastor.  There are solutions to every conflict that divides you and your spouse, if you are willing to search them out.  Refusing to forgive and holding resentment in your heart is not part of any solution and will only create more problems. 

Forgiveness is the first step to seeing these changes become a reality.  So, don’t miss the blessings God has in store for your marriage by being unforgiving.  “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy” (Matt. 5:7).

HOW DO YOU RESOLVE CONFLICTS IN A BIBLICAL WAY?

Is your marriage struggling with multiple conflicts that seem to never get resolved? Are you sick and tired of arguing about the same things over and over again? Are you wondering if there is a way to ever solve these problems? If you are, then this publication is exactly what you are looking for. There is a way to resolve conflicts with your spouse. If there is anyone who knows how to solve marital problems it's the One who created marriage. The One who created you has revealed this plan in His Word. How do you do it? What is needed to resolve the conflicts in your marriage?

First, you must be willing to resolve the conflicts. The willingness to actually do something about the conflicts between you and your mate is the most important place to start. In marriage counseling, this is the first question I usually ask a couple: "Are you willing to do whatever the Bible requires to resolve this conflict?" The answer to this question reveals very quickly whether anything will be accomplished in our time together.

Before you read this article, you must determine the same thing. Are you willing to resolve the conflicts between you and your spouse? Are you willing to take the Biblical steps that God requires of you?With two willing hearts there is no problem that can't be solved. God promises in His Word that all He is looking for is a willing heart to obey Him, and His blessings will flow out to you. He promised His people, "If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat of the good of the land"(Is. 1:19). Then He warned them, "But if you refuse and rebel, you shall be devoured by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken"(Is. 1:20). Notice the importance God has placed on this one attitude of the heart. Start here brothers and sisters. Ask God to give you a willing heart to resolve the conflicts. You may even have to start with asking God to give you a willingness to be made willing. He can do this too!Second, you must be willing to ask God for help. Jesus said to His disciples, "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matt. 26:41). Even though Jesus knew that His disciples had a willingness to follow Him, He also knew the weakness of their flesh. This is why He encouraged them to pray. He knew that only the power of the Holy Spirit could rule over the weakness of the flesh.Do you realize how weak and insufficient you are in your own strength to do what God requires? If you do, ask Him now to empower you with His Spirit to help you to lovingly seek reconciliation with your mate. Where you are weak, He will make you strong (2 Cor. 12:9,10)!If you are not a Christian or you have not been walking with Him, He still loves you and wants to help you turn your marriage around. Yet, you must have a personal relationship with Him to enlist His aid. You can't ask for His benefits and resources and have nothing to do with Him. You wouldn't want mere acquaintances to come and ask you for money and help if they weren't your friends, and the same is true of God. If you want God's help you have to be more than His acquaintance; you need a love relationship with Him. Then, He will give you His life inside your soul to enable you to do what He commands.This change of relationship with Jesus also entails willingness. Jesus said of many in His day, "But you are not willing to come to Me that you may have life" (John 5:40). Are you willing to come to Him, to turn from your life of independence to one of trusting Him? Are you willing to turn from your sin and rebellion to follow Him? He died to forgive you and longs to pardon you right now. Ask Him to come in and take over your heart and life. As you reconcile with Him, you will be able to reconcile with your spouse.Third, you must be willing to please God. This is essential before you begin to try to take any practical action in the process of reconciliation. The desire to please God will instantly motivate you to action that you would never ordinarily take. When Paul the Apostle wrote to the Thessalonian church he urged them regarding how they "ought to walk and to please God" (1 Thess. 4:1). Notice, he associated their correct walk with the desire to please God.This attitude is so important because the basic problem in every marriage is that desire to please self. Many conflicts are simply the result of selfishness, self-will, or self-righteousness. According to James, self is the root of every conflict and evil that occurs in any relationship, "Where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing will be there" (James 3:16). Therefore, to deal with your selfish desires you need a higher motivation, that of pleasing the Father.When you choose to please God, you strike at the root of your problems. If you obey God's Word, you can't help but please Him in every way. With this attitude, a willing heart, and the power of the Holy Spirit, you are now ready to take these practical steps:

1. You must restrain your anger. This is a choice you must make with every conflict that occurs because explosive anger is the primary reason that nothing gets resolved. Many have said to me, "Steve, I just can't control my temper." Yet, this statement is in direct contradiction to what Scripture declares. When Paul was in prison for false charges made against him, he could have been very angry and depressed; but instead, he said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:13). Controlling his emotions and his anger were undoubtedly some of the "all things" he refers to in this text. You can control your anger too, if you will ask God for His help. He has the strength you need to do what you find impossible. Solomon said, "It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel" (Prov. 20:3). Also, "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city" (Prov. 16:32). Restraining your anger is one way to stop a quarrel from ever starting in the first place. Likewise, once an argument has started, you still have the choice to stop it. You must rule your own spirit instead of letting your spirit rule you. This takes greater spiritual might and strength than it does to take a city in war.

But how can you restrain your anger? Where do you get this greater might to control your spirit? By a choice to ask God for help and by your personal surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit. You make the choice to please God by stopping the escalation of your anger. Take a five minute time out for prayer so you can calm down. Remember, it's not by your might or by your power, but by His Spirit (Zech. 4:6). Your anger is a powerful force, but His Spirit is even more powerful. Have you experienced His greater power? It's there for you.2. You must listen instead of trying to only prove your point. This skill is only possible when your anger is under the control of the Holy Spirit.When your mate tells you something he or she is upset about, do you interrupt? Do you try to answer your loved one's concerns before he or she has even finished talking? Are you really listening, or merely thinking about how to answer? These are all signs that you aren't listening. If you aren't a good listener, you won't be a very good communicator because you haven't really understood what your spouse has said. If you constantly hear your mate declare, "No, that's not what I mean," or, "You don't understand what I'm saying," you probably don't! If you don't understand what your spouse is saying, how can you resolve anything?The Scripture commands you to be "swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19). The more you listen, the slower you will speak. The slower you speak, the easier it will be to restrain your wrath and anger. Try it! The next argument you have, try listening and waiting until your spouse is completely finished, then respond. You'll be amazed at how your anger will be controlled.

3. You must confess your faults instead of blameshifting. When there is a conflict between you and your mate, first determine your part in the disagreement. Is it your attitude, your tone of voice, your actions, or your choice of words that started the conflict? You should confess these things sincerely before you ever discuss your mate's faults. Jesus said, "Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?...Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brothers eye" (Matt. 7:3,5).Honesty is the fastest way to resolve any conflict. Why? Because when you first humbly acknowledge your faults, your spouse doesn't have to spend all that time trying to convince you what you've done wrong. Plus, it's hypocritical of you to blame your spouse for the whole problem when you can't even see your own faults. Notice the hypocrisy of Adam and Eve when they shifted the blame for their own sin. "The woman you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate." Eve also shifted the blame when she declared, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate" (Gen. 3:12,13). We can see blameshifting easily in others, why is it we can't see our own? Ask God to search your heart, right now, that you may first see your own faults. Then, as James says, "Confess your trespasses to one another and pray one for another..." (James 5:16), and you will be amazed at how easily you can resolve your marital conflicts.

4. Take action quickly. Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly..." (Matt. 5:25). There are many reasons why this is an essential aspect in conflict resolution.

First, as time passes the facts get distorted. It isn't long before you can't remember who did or said what. Then the argument may shift to fighting over distorted facts. This solves nothing. The best time to solve a conflict is today!

Also, the longer you wait to resolve a conflict, the harder your heart can get. This is why the author of Hebrews said with urgency, "Today if you will hear His voice, do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion..." (Heb. 3:7,8). Paul also knew this tendency of man's heart to harden over time and commanded, "Do not let the sun go down on your wrath..." (Eph. 4:26). In other words, don't let even one day pass when anger is in your heart. Don't go to bed that way! Resentment and anger in your heart will only harden you more and more, and ultimately will hinder you from solving even the simplest problems. Don't be the person who allows weeks, months, or even years to go by without resolving conflicts. You will always be the loser.

5. Ask forgiveness for your sin. To forgive is not an option; it is a command. Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses" (Mark 11:25,26). This statement is all-inclusive; "anything against anyone" would include all that is happening with you and your spouse right now.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling; a choice to please and obey God. You will never feel like forgiving anyone. The feeling of forgiveness only comes after you choose to forgive. No one deserves to be forgiven anymore than you do. Therefore, "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you" (Eph. 4:32).Make the choice right now! Choose to show mercy and forgive. Then ask God to forgive you for holding resentment against your mate. This will enable you to find the solutions you are looking for in your marriage.

6. Tell your partner with the proper attitude and motive what action or attitude has offended you. After you have taken the above steps, you may now state your case if your spouse has not already confessed his or her own faults. This must be done with gentle words as opposed to harsh words. "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Prov. 15:1).The last thing you want to do at this point is to stir up more anger. Come with soft words of reconciliation as you discuss how your mate has offended you. There are always two sides to a conflict.

Both sides must be dealt with completely.When Jesus taught His disciples about resolving conflicts, He gave them a goal. He said, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother" (Matt. 18:15). The goal is to gain your brother, and this means you must come with that attitude and desire. If you come with yelling, finger-pointing, and accusations, merely venting your own frustrations, the results will be far from profitable, and you won't gain a right relationship with your spouse.7. Find agreement through compromise. The goal on the vertical plane is to please God; the goal on the horizontal plane is to find an agreement. Remember the command of Jesus we looked at earlier to "agree with your adversary" (Matt. 5:25)?

Agreement is found as you choose to give in and compromise in areas in which you have been stubbornly selfish. This will please God and demonstrate love toward your mate.The Prophet Amos asked the question, "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3). Amos was reproving God's people for their disobedience and unwillingness to agree with God about their sin. The Apostle John believed the same. He said, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins..." (1 John 1:9) The word "confess" means to "agree with." When you confess your sins, you are agreeing with God, and this enables you to walk with Him. God will never force His will upon you. He waits for you to come into agreement with Him.The same thing is true with your spouse. When you both confess your faults, you find immediate agreement together. This agreement is what enables you to find a lasting compromise where you have previously demanded your own way. Compromise is loving agreement to give, not demand. Forcing and imposing your will, is nothing but pride and selfishness on your part. This will reconcile nothing between you!

8. Take action even if your spouse will not. This is what God did with you. He demonstrated "His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom. 5:8). Christ took the action of love even when we were still in rebellion against Him. If we are to love others as He has loved us, then we must do the same (John 13:34).When you take action to love and change what you're doing wrong, this brings powerful encouragement to provoke your spouse to love you and to change too (Heb. 10:24). Jesus said, "Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them..." (Matt. 7:12). Apply this principle to your marriage. How do you want your spouse to act toward you? Take this action toward him or her. Take this action today!

9. What should you do if your spouse doesn't respond? Be patient, pray, and don't give up! Some people take longer to respond than others. This, again, is the posture that God has taken toward you. He is "longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9). So also, "you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise" (Heb. 10:36).You must be patient because most heated arguments are not resolved by just one conversation. If you wait and pray and there is still no response after a short time, go again and ask your mate to consider the issues you have previously discussed. Continue to pray that God would cause your loved one to yield to the truth and take action. If your partner brings other issues to you in which you have been offending, follow the above steps again.

Remember God's love continually seeks reconciliation with man. His love in you will do the same! Seek reconciliation!If you need further help in resolving any of these issues, don't wait; see your pastor as soon as possible.

OVERCOMING JEALOUSY IN YOUR MARRIAGE

Are you a jealous spouse, or are you suffering from your mate’s jealous behavior? No matter on which side of this dilemma you find yourself this publication will greatly help you. First, I would like to address the jealous spouse and attempt to explain why you are jealous and how to deal with this problem. Second, I would like to encourage the spouse who must deal with the jealousy of their mate. There are always two sides to any issue and jealousy is no different. If you are reading this publication right now, I know you are probably thoroughly frustrated regarding this issue. There are solutions to this problem! But, first you must understand what causes jealousy, and what God’s Word declares is the answer to this problem. Are you the jealous spouse?

1. Understanding jealousy. If you want to overcome your jealousy you must first understand this issue biblically. As you study Scripture on this topic you quickly realize that there is a good form of jealousy and an evil form of jealousy. How can I say this? Consider first that God is a jealous God (Ex. 34:14). The word jealousy used in this passage means to zealously pursue what is right and good. God does not want you to have any other god before Him and therefore He zealously pursues you. However, God in His love will never force, control, or manipulate a person to follow Him. He gives you the choice to even reject Him. Jesus noted this freedom of choice when He said to the Pharisees, “You are not willing to come to Me that you may have life” (John 5:40).Men and women can also have a godly jealousy toward another individual. This truth was revealed when Paul said to the Corinthian church, “For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” (2 Cor 11:2). Therefore, it is only natural that your spouse would want you to remain completely faithful to him or her. But, what is so grievous about human jealousy is that it usually crosses the line by attempting to force a person to love or be faithful. God will never do that in His jealousy. In fact, it is impossible to force anyone to love you or be faithful. Love and faithfulness must be chosen by a person’s own free will.In contrast, evil jealousy is actually what the Bible calls a work of your flesh, or that which has its motivation in your sinful nature. Selfishness is what causes a person to pressure, force, and manipulate another. When Paul listed these works of your sinful nature in Galatians 5:20, he used the word “emulation” which actually means jealousy. Contentious rivalry and hatred will always result from selfish jealousy and will surely destroy the love within a marriage (Gal. 5:20). In addition, the words translated “indignation” in Acts 5:17 and “envy” in Acts 13:45 also are the same Greek words for jealousy.As you can see, jealousy is not always wrong or evil; it is a question of motivation or your behavior. If you are displaying anger, contention, and envy toward your spouse or you are trying to manipulate your mate, then you definitely have the wrong kind of jealousy. Your jealousy does not have godly motivation which is tempered by love and freedom.

2. Why are you jealous? Identifying why you are jealous is the next step in getting free from this contentious behavior. There are many things you can become jealous over, but these are not why you are a jealous person. For example, you can become jealous over a person's wealth, possessions, beauty, athletic ability, their relationship with others, educational achievement, or their success in life. In other words, you can become jealous over just about anything.However, the above mentioned things are not the reason you are jealous. Identifying the cause of your jealous feelings is sometimes more difficult because it requires honest introspection. What are some of the basic causes of the jealous feelings that may dominate you? Jealousy can result from comparing yourself with others, failure to trust people, personal insecurity, competition with others, or the fear of your mate replacing you with another. Sometimes the source of your jealousy may be all of the above. The only way to get free from these causes of jealousy is by aggressively dealing with the issues in your life. You cannot expect that your jealous behavior will just miraculously disappear on its own just because you desire it to do so. You must apply the solutions found in God’s Word if you ever hope to find the freedom you desire. Where do you begin?

3. Stop comparing yourself. Comparing yourself with others is one of the most basic causes of jealousy. It is also a common sin of the flesh and therefore, must be put off. Paul identified comparison as one of the central issues that caused the Corinthian church to self-destruct. He warned them, “For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves.

But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise” (2 Cor. 10:12). Just as the people in this church destroyed the love and harmony of their fellowship, so you will destroy your relationship with anyone if you allow comparison to dominate your heart.Why is comparison so destructive in your life? When you compare yourself with another person it will cause you to take one of two positions. You will either consider yourself superior or inferior to that person. Either attitude is sinful pride (Rom. 12:3). Pride will always cause strife and drive people apart (Prov. 28:25). This is why comparing yourself with others is so unwise.The only solution to this problem of comparison is to stop looking at yourself as better or worse than others. The reality is that you are equal to others. Can you look someone in the face that you think is popular, successful, or more spiritual and believe that you are totally equal to them in the sight of God? Do you truly believe that God sees you as absolutely the same? If not, then you have a comparison problem that is contrary to the truth of God’s Word.Scripture states that there is no difference between people in God’s eyes. Paul declared that all believers come to God and walk before Him on an equal basis. The Father gives His righteousness, “through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference” (Rom. 3:22). God sees us all under sin. Therefore, when anyone comes to faith in Christ they stand on an equal footing with all other sinners in the righteousness of God.God gives to all a “like precious faith” through the grace of God (2 Peter 1:2). The English words like precious are actually one Greek word that refers to something that is similar to or of equal value. This word was used in Peter’s day of foreigners who had been granted the privileges of citizenship which made them equal to those who were born as citizens. Peter believed that those he wrote to were equal to himself because they had received this same precious faith from a God who saw them as no different than any others. What an encouraging and humble statement by the apostle! Now, will you allow God to conform your thinking to His?

4. Resolve the trust issues. Another fundamental reason for jealousy is not trusting people. Have you been hurt by someone close to you or in a previous relationship or marriage? If you have, then this issue must be resolved in your heart. Do you think that everyone who is close to you will possibly hurt you? If so, this is the problem.The solution to trust issues is to believe that God is love and He puts His love in others that will not hurt you. Not everyone is unfaithful, untrustworthy, or consumed with themselves. But, if you think all people are like this then you will put up a barrier around you and you will not let anyone become close to you. You will attempt to control and manipulate people around you and this will drive them away. You must stop blaming your spouse for what someone else did to you. This is not fair! Stop it today and deal with your spouse on the basis of who they are today.

Paul had to deal with all kinds of people who hurt him. He referred to Alexander the coppersmith who, “did me much harm” (2 Tim. 4:14). He also said that people had forsaken him (2 Tim. 4:16). But, Paul also found that there were scores of people that had the same heart as his. Read his commendation of all those who co-labored with him in Romans chapter 16. You should be able to find people like this too. As you find people you can trust; commit yourself to them, stop doubting their commitment to you, and you will grow through this issue. The person you are married to wants to be a person like this to you. How can you be sure? It is very simple; your spouse married you and committed his or her life to being with you. That should be plenty of reason to trust them. Why not start today!

5. Deal with your insecurity. To battle with insecurity is one of the great struggles within the human heart. People usually struggle in three different areas of security. These are spiritual security (your relationship with God), relational security (your relationship with people), and physical security (your relationship with your surroundings). Each of these issues are addressed in the Bible. A person can find a correct relationship with each so that they can find the security they long for. However, this security requires a person to listen to the voice of the Lord and obey His specific commands. God has clearly promised, “Whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil” (Prov. 1:33). How does listening to the Lord help you conquer your insecurities? Growing in your relationship with God is central to the solution to any problem in your life. Let’s consider the ways to deal with your insecurity.

6. Grow in security with God. How does a person grow in their security with God? It all begins with you believing that He loves you and wants to do the best for you. Confidence in God’s love will always bring security to your heart. God has declared: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you” (Jer. 31:3). Do you believe that? If you don’t believe God loves you and wants the best for you then how can you trust Him for anything else? The greatest proof that God truly does love you is the fact that He sent His Son to communicate with mankind, to take our punishment for sin, and to die on the cross for us. The apostle John said, “We have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him” (1 John 4:16).If you have a relationship with a God who has loved you from eternity past, and who has sacrificed His most precious possession, His Son; how could you not be secure in Him and not believe He wants the best for you (Rom. 8:32)? If you want your relationship to change in this area, you must humbly ask forgiveness for doubting His love.  Begin to trust that you are secure in His love forever.

7.  Grow in relational security. How can you grow in relational security with others? Just as you must believe in the love of God you must also trust that people truly love you too.

Because of King Saul’s insecurity he did not believe David loved him and you can see the alienation that resulted in their relationship. But, did David really love Saul? It is clear from Scripture that David did sincerely care about Saul and wanted to serve his king in any way he could. Scripture states: “So David came to Saul and stood before him. And he loved him greatly, and he became his armorbearer” (1 Sam. 16:21). The only problem was that Saul did not believe that David loved him. Therefore, Saul persecuted and abused David and put himself into competition with him. As a result, Saul ruined his relationship with David and literally drove him away. The sad thing is that I have watched countless husbands and wives do this same thing to one another because of insecurity.To find security in your relationships you must do several things. First, make sure that you are you not creating your own problem. Determine why it seems that people do not love you.

Examine your behavior to determine if you are offensive to others by your attitude, speech, or actions. If you are behaving offensively, this is an issue that must be repented of in your life. Offensive or obnoxious behavior will always cause others to reject you. However, notice that the opposite result was experienced by David because he behaved wisely and the people accepted him. Samuel declared: “So David went out wherever Saul sent him, and behaved wisely. And Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul's servants” (1 Sam. 18:5). Does your behavior cause people to accept or reject you?Second, determine what some of these offensive behaviors are that cause people to reject you. Do you force yourself upon others and become overbearing in your relationships? Are you controlling, clingy, obnoxious, or seek attention from others? Do you manipulate others to be your friend by giving gifts, dominate their time or your conversations with them? When someone rejects you, do you plead or beg for their love attempting to force them to stay in the relationship?

Are you more concerned with people’s acceptance than you are with your own self-respect? Do you get resentful when a person or group that you consider as the “in crowd” does not include you? Do you turn and reject that person or group for slighting you? If any of these behaviors apply to you, then be assured, you are insecure. All these behaviors must be acknowledged as sinful and be repented of before God. Put off these sinful behaviors and put on godly ones (Col. 3:12-14). As your behavior changes you will begin to make real friends, and with each new friend you will be adding to your sense of relational security.The third thing you should do in order to find security in your relationships is to become others-centered, by choosing to love and serve others before you expect them to serve you. True maturity is revealed when you become others-centered instead of being self-centered. Selfishness is the most obvious fruit of immaturity.

Don’t you feel really good inside and very secure about yourself and your relationships when you are loving and serving others without any strings attached? This is what Paul taught should be the goal of our growth in Christ: “Fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Phil. 2:2-4). Notice that coming to a place of one accord with others is the result of taking the focus off you and humbly seeking to serve others. Loving in this manner will always result in lasting relationships with others.

8. Grow in physical security. The greatest single cause of physical insecurity for a person is that people have hurt you in the past. Physical insecurity is simply the fear this will happen to you again.

I have met people who have been physically and sexually abused as children who battle daily with the fears that someone may do this again to them or to their children. Others have been traumatized by a home invasion, or robbed at gunpoint, and worry constantly that life is unsure. These experiences have destroyed this person’s sense of physical security and they do not know if they will ever feel safe again. If this is your struggle, you must address these fears God’s way instead of attempting to run away from trying circumstances or difficult relationships to feel safe. A safe place by itself cannot bring you the sense of security and safety that you are seeking. What should you do to conqueror your fears and rest in physical security? Here are several ways to resolve your fears and insecurity.

First, you must understand how to conquer your fears by making a study of the Word of God on this subject. Use the topical index in your Bible and find out what God has promised to you concerning fear. You must understand how fear paralyzes you and the ways God has declared to conquer it. Physical insecurity and fear are directly related and only by conquering your fears will you be able to find physical security and a place of safety in your life.

Second, understand how to control your thought life.

You must understand how your fears work together with your thought life. Controlling your thoughts of fear will be essential to your sense of God’s security. Most of the physical insecurity you struggle with originates in your mind and there is where you must win the battle.Third, believe that God is your defender and protector. If you live in fear of your physical surroundings, then be assured that you do not believe the Lord to be your defender and protector. When you trust in God’s ability to protect you, then you will be joyful and not fearful. David declared this truth: “Let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You” (Ps. 5:11). Fear and trust cannot abide together. One must yield to the other. 

9. Give up your possessiveness. Possessiveness is at the root of your jealousy. You must understand that possessiveness is primarily a selfish desire to control your spouse. Selfishness is ruling and controlling you because Christ is not on the throne of your life. The only way you can reverse this situation, and give up your possessiveness, is to give up the throne of your life and make Christ preeminent. He must fully possess you and be given the preeminence over you so you can be set free from this jealousy. Paul said that Jesus “Is the head of the body, the church … that in all things He may have the preeminence” (Col. 1:18). Is He truly your Lord and Master? If He is Lord over you then jealousy can not rule over you. Deny yourself and begin following Him fully in all areas of your life (Matt. 16:24). Give Him this place as Lord in your life right now!

10. Deal with your flesh. If you want to stop being so jealous then you must put off your fleshly nature that rules inside of you. Remember I stated at the beginning of this publication that jealousy was a work of the flesh. Your comparison with others, your fears, and your insecurity are proof that you are controlled by your fleshly nature. What should you do? You need to do three things:

(1) Realize that God has already conquered your old sinful fleshly nature by crucifying it on the cross of Christ. Regarding this truth Paul said: “Knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be  slaves of sin” (Rom. 6:6).

(2) Then you must reckon (account by faith) that this action was taken by Jesus for you when He died on the cross. Paul encouraged the Roman Christians to “Reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts” (Rom. 6:11-12).

(3) Then Paul taught them to yield up their lives, surrender themselves to God, and allow the Spirit to reign inside them. He encouraged: “And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Rom. 6:13).This is how to gain control over yourself and the power of your fleshly nature that wants to dominate you and produce jealousy within. If you want a more extensive explanation of these truths go to our website www.calvaryag.org and click on Bible Studies/New Testament and read the studies on Romans chapters 6, 7, and 8. These studies will be extremely helpful to you.

11. Ask forgiveness. Now that you understand why you are a jealous person admit your jealousy and ask your mate to forgive you for your possessiveness, distrust, and insecurity. Why is this so important? The Bible declares that, “Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent, but who is able to stand before jealousy?” (Prov. 27:4). You need to ask forgiveness because you have treated your spouse in a cruel way. Not trusting them, interrogating and attempting to control their decisions, or exploding with anger is destructive to your relationship. Go today and confess your faults to your spouse (James 5:16).By making this confession you are taking responsibility for your actions and not shifting the blame to your mate. In fact, if you have been shifting the blame for your jealousy to your mate this is all the more reason forconfessing your fault.

12. Find a counselor. A good counselor would also be helpful in sorting through all these issues in your life. He or she can help you see how God’s Word applies to your situation and motivate you to further action. Remember, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise” (Prov. 12:15). Make the call today!Are you the victim of Jealousy?

1. Are you provoking your spouse? You may think that this counsel is contradictory to my last point but it is not. Usually the primary reason for jealousy is within the jealous person, but in some cases you can be doing things that may provoke jealousy in your spouse. You must examine your own behavior and be sure that you do not have any provoking behavior that might stir up jealousy within your mate.Did you realize that the Scripture teaches that you can provoke God to jealousy by your behavior? Scripture teaches: “Now Judah did evil in the sight of the Lord, and they provoked Him to jealousy with their sins which they committed, more than all that their fathers had done” (1 Kings 14:22). If you can provoke Him to jealousy it is surely possible to provoke a human to jealousy.Over what actions could you provoke your mate to jealousy? Flirting with someone of the opposite sex, meeting with a person of the opposite sex without your mate present, inappropriate touching or hugging someone that is not your spouse. You must avoid these or any behavior that even gives the appearance of evil whereby you may stumble your spouse (1 Thess. 5:22 KJV).

2. Build trust. Building trust again with your loved one is not easy to do. Solomon declared that “A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a castle” (Prov. 18:19). So, be assured that there will be hard work ahead for both of you to restore this relationship. The bars that separate you and your spouse must be removed if fellowship and trusting companionship are to be restored. It can be done if you will work at it.I would encourage you to pursue open communication about your fears and hopes for a closer relationship with your spouse. Express your desire to be completely trustworthy and to be trusted. But, remember that only in an atmosphere of love can you ever hope to build trust (1 Cor. 13:4-7). Choose to love your spouse and be thankful for the good times you have had in the past and trust God that He will bring these times again. For a complete look at building trust     in your relationship go to www.covenantkeepers.org and read the article entitled “Re-establishing Trust in Your Relationship.”

3. Pray for your spouse. Praying for your mate who struggles with jealousy is so important because he or she is battling greatly within their mind. Insecurity, comparison, and trust issues are not easy to deal with. Usually these issues have taken years to develop in a person’s thinking and are not going to be resolved overnight. Your prayers will be very effective and encouraging to them. Remember, “The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:16). Don’t give up, but persevere in prayer.

WHAT CAUSES COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN?

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse that ended without anything being accomplished? You talk over an issue for hours, and it still ends in an uncomfortable stalemate. You walk away and wonder, What went wrong? Why couldn’t we resolve this problem? If you’ve had one of these conversations, then you know what a frustrating experience it can be. However, what is even more frustrating is when couples regularly communicate this way over the majority of issues in their marriages. Over time, this communication breakdown will lead a couple to conclude that nothing can be resolved by talking together. Consequently, this couple will slowly drift apart. If you sense this despair in your relationship with your spouse, then I would encourage you to read on very carefully. You need to identify what is causing your communication breakdown and change it before you sink any deeper into this hopelessness.

Don’t miss this opportunity to grow in your communication skills. Doing so will add so much to your intimacy and companionship with your spouse. Solomon’s wife said that her husband’s voice was sweet to her and she longed to be with him (Song of Solomon 2:14). Can you say that to each other? Do you consider it a sweet thing to talk with your loved one?If not, please consider some of the following reasons why communication can go sour in your relationship.

More important, what can you do to solve these problems?Identify the areas that hinder communication1. Stubbornness Communication always begins with a willingness to exchange ideas on a topic in an attitude of openness and love. However, when a conflict arises with your spouse, do you dig in your heels and refuse to communicate? Do you insist upon your way, or your viewpoint? Stubbornness is like a wall that you set up between you and your mate. This obstacle inhibits intimacy and hardens your hearts in the midst of conflict. The wall of stubbornness must come down if communication is ever to become effective in your relationship.

Stubbornness is what made it impossible for Paul and Barnabas to work out a compromise concerning their relationship with John Mark. On their first missionary journey John Mark went home before the trip was over. Consequently, when Paul and Barnabas decided to take their second missionary journey, they argued over whether John Mark should be allowed to come again. Scripture tells us that Barnabas was "determined" to take John Mark, and Paul "insisted" that they wouldn’t (Acts 15:37-38). The contention was so sharp that they parted company and went their separate ways. This communication breakdown was caused by two stubborn wills clashing with each other. Does this sound like your household?This communication breakdown could have been resolved if there had been a little more flexibility and compromise on both sides. Both men were stubbornly defending their positions and were unwilling to see the other’s point of view. This is why God asks both husbands and wives to submit themselves to one another in the fear of God (Eph. 5:21). Most of the time a submissive demeanor will make a solution possible. Unfortunately, this is not the way we usually respond. God acknowledged this characteristic of man’s nature when He called the children of Israel a "stiff-necked people" (Ex. 32:9).Are you stiff-necked and stubborn when you speak to your spouse? If your communication seems to accomplish very little, this attitude would be the first thing to check within your own heart. Won’t you ask God to give you a tender heart and make you willing to look for a mutually agreed upon solution?

2. When you are not willing to admit your fault One of the primary ways you reveal your stubbornness is by being unwilling to acknowledge your own personal faults. When both of you are offended by the others’ behavior, nothing will be accomplished until someone acknowledges his or her own personal fault. It is usually not just one person’s problem. In most cases it takes two people to cause a conflict. You may be responsible for 10% of the problem, or 90% of the problem, it makes no difference. You must take responsibility for your part of the problem. Jesus said, "First, take the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye" (Matt. 7:5).

Consequently, stop the "blame game" and the finger-pointing and start taking some responsibility for your part in the conflict. Admitting that you are at least partially at fault is the quickest and easiest way to solve any communication breakdown. Why not give it a try when the next conflict occurs?

3. Comparison Something else that hinders effective communication is comparison. If you say things like, "You are just like your mother," or "Why can’t you act like your father?" you are making a serious mistake.

Comparing your spouse with others will always bring your conversation to a dead end. Your mate will consider this a personal put-down and will immediately move into a defensive posture. Comparison is a sword that cuts right to the heart. Your mate will think you are being unfair because he is not precisely like any other person. You have made a gross generalization that you and your spouse will now waste time arguing about.

Scripture warns us against comparing. "For we dare not… compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise" (2 Cor. 10:12). Paul teaches that measuring yourself by yourself or by others is unwise. You really shouldn’t worry about being like or unlike someone else. However, if you really want to compare yourself to someone, do it with Jesus. And then ask Him to conform you into His image, not someone else’s.Therefore, instead of comparing your spouse with others, why not try dealing with the specific issues that are driving you apart and destroying your relationship? This would be the best use of your time and effort in communication.

4. Bringing up the past Many times in my counseling, couples have come in with horrendous stories of how past failures have been used as a club to beat the other into submission. An intense argument has ensued, and in the end, nothing was accomplished. The only result was more anger, frustration, and, of course, greater distance between the two.

Personally, I look at the past as something that you can’t do much about. The two things you can do with past sins and failures is to reconcile them and then forget them and go forward. Paul looked at life this way and encouraged us to do the same. Whether it was his failures or his successes he declared, "But one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead" (Phil. 3:13).

However, to forget the things which are behind you, you must first forgive and reconcile them. To gain this forgiveness, go and discuss these unresolved issues with your mate and resolve them once and for all.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are always the first steps toward putting an issue behind you and to opening the door to a closer relationship (Mark 11:25-26).Then, determine that you will never bring that issue up again to use as a weapon against your spouse. Deal only with the present. This will keep you out of trouble and make your communication productive.

5. Attacking your spouse Have you ever had a conversation where you and your spouse spend the entire time attacking each other? One charge after another is made while the actual issue that started the conflict is forgotten. When couples are in the attack mode it is usually because they have not resolved past issues which they are not willing to forgive (Eph. 4:31-32).If you are ever going to effectively communicate and resolve issues, you must begin to attack the problem instead of the person. This is fundamental to solving any conflict. But, how can you stop attacking each other and start attacking the problem?

First, you must examine your own heart and acknowledge what your contribution is to the conflict. This will really help you identify the problem. It is especially important to identify what kind of communication problems you are having (i.e. Not listening, talking too much, not talking enough, interrupting, sentence finishing, blameshifting, or explosive anger).

Second, you must acknowledge your fault without trying to attack your spouse with condemning comments. Most of the time if you will approach your spouse with a humble and soft answer, it will keep your spouse from becoming defensive (Prov. 15:1-2).

Finally, resolve the problem by asking his or her forgiveness. Lovingly seek a long-term solution so that the same problem won’t erupt again. When you take these actions there will be no need to attack each other.

6. Exaggeration Have you ever had a conversation where your spouse said to you, "You always do this" or "You never do what I ask" or "Every time you come home this happens!"? What goes through your mind when you hear these words? Don’t you immediately think of at least one circumstance when you took the action you are now being charged with never doing? You then respond, "I don’t always do that." Your spouse thinks, He doesn’t believe he ever does this. Then your mate proceeds to give you another example of your failure. This conversation then quickly descends to charges and counter charges.

The only way to defuse this kind of dead end communication is to stop exaggerating. The words always, never, or every time, work like gasoline on the fire of an argument. These words will cause an angry explosion because your spouse can always think of at least one time he or she did do what you say never occurs. The only solution to exaggeration is "...speaking the truth in love..." (Eph. 4:15). The truth may be that your spouse many times or rarely does this or that, as opposed to always or never. Therefore, be fair and honest as you speak with your loved one. The fruit will be rewarding.

7. Lying For communication to be effective, you must be truthful. When you discuss issues with your mate, do you twist the facts to suit yourself? Do you change the story when your spouse catches you with an inconsistency in your facts? When you are convicted of some failure, do you just change the subject to get the spotlight off you? If you do any of these things, you are not dealing honestly with your partner. Eventually, your spouse will realize your lack of honesty, which will result in a complete communication breakdown. Ultimately, your mate will question nearly everything you say, even when you are telling the truth. This lack of trust will cause you to become defensive.

Real fellowship and communion in your relationship will cease.It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know when you are being lied to or when someone is not being completely honest. Remember that a believer also has the Holy Spirit to help him discern truth. He is called the "Spirit of Truth" for a very good reason (John 14:17). The Spirit resides within every believer to give them the added ability to discern the truth (John 16:13).Therefore, if you want your spouse to believe you when you speak, and you want the Holy Spirit to bear witness to your words, then, start telling the truth.

Paul exhorted us: "Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another" (Eph. 4:25.) Remember, you and your spouse are truly members one of another. You are one flesh. However, think for a moment what would happen if your own physical members lied to you when they were injured? How long would you survive if you severely cut yourself and you felt no pain? The same is true in reference to your marriage. How can your marriage survive if you lie to each other about the issues between you?

It may be difficult at first to change a pattern of lying, especially if it has been your habit. But, you must start somewhere. If you have lied to your spouse recently, why not go back and tell the truth today. This would be an excellent way to prove the sincerity of your repentance and a good first step toward restoring your marriage relationship. After that, look up as many Scriptures as possible on the subject of lying. Write these Bible verses down on a piece of paper and read them daily so that God’s encouragement and conviction may constantly occupy your thoughts and heart. Paul said that the Word was profitable to teach, convict, and correct us that we might be disciplined to righteousness (2 Tim. 3:15-17).

Finally, ask God to put a guard before your lips so that before you speak a lie, God’s Spirit within will convict and keep you from sin (Ps. 141:3).8. Harsh words What is your first response when your spouse snaps at you with harsh words? Don’t you want to snap right back? Solomon explained that "Harsh words stirs up strife" (Prov. 15:1). Haven’t you proved this to be true? When you speak harsh words you are just beginning another fruitless conversation. This is because the wrath of man will never work the righteousness of God (James 1:20).Instead, Solomon explained how we should persuade one another. "By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone" (Prov. 25:15).

Notice, that a gentle word with patience is the better way to communicate your views on any subject. In other words, don’t force but rather go easy. Speak softly with honest and balanced words. This will enable you to communicate effectively and give you the best opportunity to persuade your spouse.Therefore, if you aren’t accomplishing much in your conversations, reconsider how you communicate.

Do you harshly condemn or gently persuade? Does your tongue influence your mate with love or insist with pressure and intimidation? The quality of your conversations will answer these questions. David said in Psalm 39:1, "I will guard my ways, lest I sin with my tongue; I will restrain my mouth with a muzzle." This decision to restrain your tongue is what enables the servant of the Lord to be gentle in all things (2 Tim. 2:24).

9. Explosive anger One of the most dangerous ingredients in each of these communication problems is anger. Mix explosive anger into any of the previous issues and your communication will become even more futile. Scripture warns us many times that an angry man never solves problems. He only creates more problems. Proverbs 29:22 warns us, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression." Is there transgression abounding in your marriage? Explosive anger may be at the root of it. Have you ever felt like you would rather live by yourself than with your mate? Solomon knew the reason. "Better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman" (Prov. 21:19). This text could also easily be applied to a contentious and angry man.

In your relationship, are you the person with an explosive temper? If this is your weakness, are you willing to admit it and deal with this deficiency? If you will learn to control your explosive temper many of your communication problems will automatically disappear. Are you wondering, How can I learn to control my anger?

You must begin by understanding that anger itself is not evil or sinful. Scripture commands us to "Be angry and sin not" (Eph. 4:26). Therefore, it is possible to be angry and not sin against God or your mate. Jesus was angry and, of course, did not sin (Mark 3:5). It is important to remember that it is only the way you express your anger that causes you to sin.

Anger can be expressed in a constructive way or a destructive way, it’s your choice. Controlling your anger and allowing it to motivate you to constructive action can be done several ways.First, you must make a choice. Choose to "not let sin reign in your mortal body, that you should obey it in its lusts" (Rom. 6:12). When you allow sinful anger and resentment to smolder in your heart, an explosion is inevitable. Therefore, make this choice today: my anger will not continue to dominate me anymore.

Next, choose to surrender yourself to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to quench the fire of anger inside with a big bucket of His living water (John 7:37-39). His Spirit is more powerful than the passions of sinful anger. He can control you if you will just surrender to Him.To aid in your control, be sure to deal with the small issues before they build resentment in your heart. Jesus said that we should deal with conflict "quickly" before it gets out of control (Matt. 5:25). Paul also taught that we should solve each problem before the sun goes down every day (Eph. 4:26). Dealing with the little issues promptly helps you to stop the boiling volcanic eruptions of rage, before they occur.Finally, choose to listen before you speak. Most of us need to grow in our listening skills.

Usually we are more ready to speak than we are to hear what others are saying. Notice the connection that the apostle James makes between listening, speaking, and wrath. "So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (James 1:19).

How willing are you to hear and understand what your spouse has to say before you speak? If you don’t want to explode in anger, ask God to help you to "zip" your lips and listen. When you are slow to speak you will be slow to wrath.

If you would like to study some examples of constructive actions which were motivated by anger consider these passages: Numbers 16:15; Nehemiah 5:6-7; 1 Samuel 11:6.Beloved, communication is the key to your marriage relationship.

Don’t miss the great blessing God has in store for you and your spouse as you enjoy sweet communion with each other. Deal with those issues which can destroy your oneness and take every opportunity to draw near to one another.
                     May God bless you.

DEVELOPING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

How effective is your communication with your spouse when there is a serious problem in your marriage? Can you discuss it constructively or do the lines of communication immediately get cut? This is a question that should be answered before the need arises so that steps can be taken to strengthen your connection with each other. Your ability to communicate with your spouse is fundamental to the deepening of your relationship and ultimately to the success of your marriage. Every failed marriage can be traced to one or both partners’ failure to communicate. If two people have no way to communicate, they can’t resolve conflicts. Consequently, their marriage will become a lonely standoff or the relationship will dissolve altogether. Likewise, every enjoyable and satisfying marriage is directly related to that couple’s skill and effectiveness in the art of communication.If you truly desire greater intimacy and companionship with your mate, then your ability to communicate must grow. How do you do this? Here are some simple steps.

1. Are you willing? Here is where all effective communication begins. Change in any area of your life requires a willing heart. God will not force you to communicate anymore than He would force you into a relationship with Himself. Remember what Jesus said to the religious leaders of His day: "How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing" (Matthew 23:37)? How often a spouse will say this same thing to me in counseling.

"I want a close relationship and intimacy, but he (she) is simply unwilling." In this passage Jesus points out that willingness is the key to any relationship. In most cases when communication is suffering in a marriage, it’s not a question of a person’s lack of ability to communicate, but simply their unwillingness to do so.

Therefore, how willing are you to spend the time necessary to build your communication skills? Are you ready and willing to ask forgiveness for any failure in this area of your relationship? Are you also eager to learn new ways of becoming a better communicator?

2. Give up your excuses. If you are truly willing to allow God to improve your ability to communicate, first you must give up any excuses you have established in your mind. An excuse is any reason you use to evade your responsibility to communicate with your spouse.What are some of these excuses? Some have said to me, "It’s my parents’ fault that I don’t communicate. I never had a good example in my family as I was growing up." Usually people think this is an excellent excuse. However, I remind them that they do have a good example now, Jesus Christ. He is the best example that anyone could have of an effective communicator (John 13:15).Or, people will tell me, "It’s my spouse’s fault for the way I communicate.

If he or she wouldn’t be so _____ I wouldn’t respond the way I do." But, this is simply not taking personal responsibility for your own actions. It is shifting the blame to someone else.Let me give you an example of the ultimate excuse and God’s ultimate solution. Moses possessed a seemingly legitimate excuse for his unwillingness to speak for God. He complained, "O my Lord, I am not eloquent, .... but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." (Ex. 4:10). It appears that Moses had great insecurity about his ability to talk because of some kind of speech impediment. However, the most important question is, did the Lord accept his speech problem as a valid excuse? No! God responded by asking Moses, "Who has made man's mouth? …Therefore, go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall say" (Ex. 4:11-12). God’s answer to Moses was to give him a promise that He would help him and teach him what he should say. Did the Lord keep His promise? All you have to do is read the books of Exodus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy to see how well Moses did as he spoke to the people.Therefore, give up your excuses! Instead, start asking God for His help and instruction concerning how to become a better communicator. God will be with your mouth as He was with Moses.

3. Acknowledge your failures. The next step in becoming an effective communicator is to acknowledge your failures in communication. This means you must humbly and honestly consider where you are failing before God, and then confess it to your mate.If you are thinking, But what if I don’t know where my failures are? Stop and take a moment to think. Do you stubbornly refuse to acknowledge your faults when conflicts arise? When you are confronted, do you simply turn and walk away refusing to communicate? Or, do you viciously attack your mate with angry and harsh criticism when you disagree over an issue? Do you rudely interrupt your spouse simply because you are impatient? When your mate finds out that you have done something he or she considers wrong, do you lie to cover yourself? Or, do you exaggerate the facts to make yourself look better? If you struggle with any of these failures in your relationship, resolve them by first acknowledging them and asking your mate to forgive you. In addition, you should also humbly ask God for His conviction and instruction concerning how to change in these areas

4. Make time. Many times couples say to me that they just don’t have time to develop better communication. Personally, I believe this is just another good sounding excuse. I say this because we all had plenty of time to communicate when we were dating each other; why not now? The problem is not needing more time, but making better use of the time we have. I tell people almost every week, "You will never find the time to communicate, you must make the time to talk to one another." You always make time to do what is most important to you. If you want to see a basketball game don’t you set the time aside to go? Once you’ve made the time, don’t you refuse the other invitations you receive? Likewise, making the time for each other is a similar choice to do something you consider important. The Father made a choice to communicate His love all throughout history by sending His prophets and angels. Ultimately, "in the fullness of time" God sent His Son as a testimony that you were important to Him and so you would know that He truly cared (Gal. 4:4). Therefore, when you choose to make time to communicate, you are demonstrating your desire to love. Communication is, therefore, simply a choice to love.Are you making this choice to love your mate on a daily basis? Do you take the time to sit down with your spouse and talk about how your day went? If you do, your behavior is telling your partner that he or she is very important to you. If you fail to make time for fellowship you are communicating just the opposite message.

5..Reduce your distractions. In order to make more time to communicate, you must also determine what things are consuming your time. What are the things that distract you from communication with your spouse?What kind of distractions am I referring to? There are many. Some individuals have the TV on day and night. Why not try turning it off for just one hour after dinner so you can sit and talk to each other? Try it and you will find that even the kids will come in and sit with you.For the workaholics who come home late or bring work home, why not set several nights aside where you choose to come home on time and leave all the work at the office? Wouldn’t it be great to have dinner together with your mate and children?If you are distracted by nightly commitments to sports or hobbies for yourself or even your children, why not reduce those commitments, or drop the children off one night and go out with your loved one for a date? Whatever distraction is keeping you from communicating with your mate, change it! If you want to establish and maintain real communication and friendship this is what it will take. Remember, your number one priority must be to enjoy oneness and companionship with your spouse (Gen. 2:18). This is the biblical priority. Don’t let other things distract you from what is most important!

6. Dates and recreation. Can you remember back to when you first dated each other and the hours you spent together doing fun things? What was the fruit of that time together? Didn’t you naturally grow in your friendship and ultimately your romantic desire for each other? Why did this occur? Wasn’t it because during those times together you shared your common ideas, which built up a strong bond between you? Communication is always the fruit of dating and recreation time together.The best biblical example of this truth is found in the Song of Solomon. As you read this story it is quite obvious that Solomon and his wife had a very open, intimate, and expressive communication with each other. The question is, how did they get this kind of relationship? The answer is found as you read the account; they did many things together. Solomon visited his wife while she was away in the mountains (Song of S. 2:8-9). They also went on trips together to Lebanon and other villages (4:8; 7:11). They would take walks together to smell the flowers (2:10-14). In this passage note how they talked while they were together. Solomon’s wife declared, "Let me see your countenance, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your countenance is lovely" (v 14). Enjoyable communication was the result of these special times together.When is the last time you went off alone with your spouse for a drive together or a walk around your neighborhood for some exercise? If you want to develop your communication here is one way to do it. Why not set time aside for a date this week or a night away by yourselves? Try it and see how it improves your communication.

7. Prayer together. Prayer is another very important tool in encouraging deeper communication within a marriage. You may be thinking, How could prayer affect our communication? It’s very simple. When you pray with your spouse, you communicate the things that are most important to you. You will say things to the Lord in prayer that you won’t ordinarily say in normal conversation with your spouse. When you share your most intimate secrets with your most intimate partner you can’t help but be drawn closer together. Honesty and openness like this will naturally stir up more communication.When King David described his prayer life he said, "Out of the depths I have cried to You, O LORD" (Psalm 130:1). The Psalms are a powerful example of a man sharing his honest hopes, fears, and troubles with a God that he knew loved him. What is your reaction as you come into contact with the depth of David’s heart? Don’t you identify with his struggles and aren’t you drawn to love this man? Similarly, if you will pray together and pour out your heart to God in the presence of your spouse, you will also be drawn together into a deep sense of understanding and love.Don’t let your fear, pride, or self-sufficiency keep you from joining your mate in prayer. Seek out your loved one and invite him or her to come and wait upon the Lord with you. As you do, your communication will surely grow.

8. Meaningful content. If you desire to truly enhance your communication, you must also develop the content of your conversations. You must not allow your fellowship to remain superficial, but you must share the most important things in your life. Meaningful communication is always fulfilling and edifying and will encourage you to come back for more. How can you develop a more meaningful content?First, there must be something meaningful happening in your life. What do I mean? The most meaningful thing that can possibly happen in your life is what is occurring in your relationship with the Lord. When God is at work in people’s lives and they are filled with the Holy Spirit, it is worth communicating. David declared the joy of this abundant life when he said, "Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will declare what He has done for my soul" (Psalm 66:16).The disciples experienced the same thing after they were transformed by the infilling of the Holy Spirit on the day of Pentecost. Peter said, "For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard." (Acts 4:20).Therefore, ask God to begin stirring you up spiritually and fill you with His living water. Seek God in His Word and then share what you’ve learned and what God is doing in your soul. The more you share spiritual things with your mate, the greater will be the depth of your relationship.In addition, meaningful conversation consists of the important things that happen to you each day; your joys, struggles, and accomplishments. These are the important things in life. When you discuss them with your mate, he or she will sense that your relationship is becoming more meaningful. This will open up even more communication.Therefore, tonight, why don’t you purpose to share with your spouse one thing that happened to you today and how you felt about it. Then communicate one thing you learned from God’s Word and how the Holy Spirit applied this truth to your life. As you take these steps, your fellowship will surely become more meaningful.

9. Be more encouraging. One of the easiest ways to enhance your communication is to simply be more encouraging by regularly declaring your appreciation for each other. It is so easy to verbalize your criticism and to find fault; it seems to come forth with no effort at all. But, why is it that encouragement and praise for a job well done seem to get stuck in our throat?Scripture teaches that praise and encouragement are a valid and necessary part of good communication. We are told to "encourage one another daily" (Heb. 3:13). Solomon taught that "a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised" (Prov. 31:30). Even the Father will one day say to His faithful ones, "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).I am sure that your spouse has done something today that is worthy of appreciation and praise. Have you declared it? Does your husband or wife fear God and faithfully serve the Lord? Consider all the things your spouse does every day to benefit you and your family. Why not mention how blessed you feel to have him or her as your partner?What will happen when you begin to become more encouraging in your communication? Your entire relationship will be strengthened because your spouse will sense your love and care.

10. Make Christ your example. Jesus said, "Come… learn from Me" (Matt. 11:28-29). This command is especially applicable in the area of communication. Jesus is the supreme example of an effective communicator. He always maintained perfect balance in every situation. To the religious hypocrites He could speak the stern rebuke that was needed. In the very next moment, He could speak tender words to a child or a repentant sinner. He felt comfortable communicating His deepest emotions. He expressed His sorrow, His grief, even to the point of weeping over the city of Jerusalem (Matt. 26:38; Luke 19:41). To His disciples He could also express His grand hopes and goals for their lives and future ministries (John 17).Will you follow His example and allow God to start transforming you? If you are willing, He can make you an effective and well-balanced communicator. All He requires is your surrender to His full control and Lordship (Rom. 12:1-2). As you yield, God will also make you an example to your spouse and to your children of an effective communicator. Let God begin the work today and you will begin to enjoy your marriage relationship like you never have before!