If you have logged on to my web site and are now reading this particular page, it is possible that you are experiencing a relationship or family problem. If this is the case, I hope that you will be able to find some guidance, either here on my site or elsewhere.
I am sure that it is needless to say that relationship and family problems are more common than perhaps ever before, I say perhaps, because some would say that problems have always existed but were not spoken about in days gone by. Whilst I agree with that point of view to a certain degree, I personally believe that family life is taking strain and it is not always easy to navigate the various stressors placed upon the modern family.
The media, television, magazines, movies, all sell versions of how the modern person and modern family should be and many of us take our cues accordingly. Divorce has become an easy option, and even though there are obviously many marriages which need to end in divorce, I feel certain that many could be saved if couples become open to re-committing to one another and doing the work necessary when embarking upon couple counselling/coaching. As well as the media, there are may other factors which can put strain on the family, some of them are listed below:
Dual career lifestyles. With most families having both mother and father working, many problems can arise, for instance; (a) Disputes over the division of labour in the household. (b) differences which arise because of differing incomes and power balances which can come about. (c) Problems concerning how money is spent. (d)Differing ideas on child care arrangements while both parties are working and who should manage the children during times of illness and during school holidays.
Financial Pressure. Financial problems can come about in the most balanced family, even those who have taken great endeavours to plan their finances carefully. Financial problems create enormous worry and stress, and in turn these factors can take there toll on the family. There is usually no easy fix to financial problems if they get out of hand, but there are steps which can be taken which will help the family move back into a place of control and reduce the stress surrounding the issue. Debt counselling can be very beneficial if finances are completely out of control and there seems no way to meet the monthly expenditures.
Infidelity. Despite the fact that infidelity is very difficult to deal with, I have worked with couples who have managed to save their marriages and move on to have close and fullfilling relationships. For some it was far from easy, and took a fair amount of time, but I believe that for them it was worth it. This is not to say that all couples will be able to manoeuvre infidelity, when trust is broken it takes a lot to have it restored. The party who committed the adultery needs to be able to say sorry, and mean it and the injured party needs to be able to forgive and mean it. Also, what needs to be examined is the possibility that there could have been some other aspect in the marriage which may have had some bearing on the infidelity. In saying this I am not saying that sometimes people do not simply fall prey to temptation, because I believe that sometimes they do, but there are at times other factors involved in infidelity, which if brought to light can be worked through by the couple if they are willing and open enough to do the work.
Communication problems. Good communication is probably the most important aspect in any relationship and the same is true within the family. So often in the work that I do with couples, or families, the main component of the problem is miscommunication resulting in misunderstandings and a lot of unneccessary pain. I truly wish that communication skills could be taught in schools. We cannot not communicate! Every moment of every day, we are communicating something, whether to someone else or to ourselves. We communicate using words, sentences, tone of voice, pitch, by our body language, our facial expressions, our clothes and of course most importantly by our actions. Communication also includes listening. Have you ever felt that you have not been heard? I am sure that most of you reading this will know how it feels, and yet often as humans we don't listen. Often during counselling we will do exercises which involve 'active listening', this is listening with intent, intent to hear and to understand what the other is saying. Agreement is not always necessary, mostly people want to feel that they have been heard. Communication skills can be learned, either in Counselling/Coaching sessions it can greatly improve family dynamics.
Alchohol and Drugs. The problems which can be brought about because of the misuse of alcohol and drugs are too numerous to mention. Also the scale of the problem of Alcohol and Drug problems is immense. Where the problem lies, can either be with the parents, or with the kids, wherever the problem it can have devastating results and bring intense misery to all members of the family. Too often families struggle on alone trying to solve their problems, or hoping they will go away. My advice in this instance is to seek help as soon as you suspect a member of your family is misusing alcohol or using drugs. When I speak of drugs I include weed or marajuana. The reason I do this is that in many circles these days weed is seen as an acceptable part of socialising and relaxation. Children tell their parents “but everyone uses weed these days” and some parents believe them and do nothing. Intervention is needed early! If you are experiencing an alcohol or drug problem in your family there are likely to be other problems too. There are many avenues available for help, a qualified counsellor or coach will be able to guide you as to where to find the help best suited for you and your family.
There are of course many other problems which can create disharmony in the family. There is always a way forward, no matter how severe the problem may seem.
"Determination is the wake up call to the human will."
Wiza Ngwira
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