PRACTICING ACTIVE LISTENING CAN IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Often partners are convinced that they are excellent listeners. However, when asked, many partners are unable to give an adequate summary of what their partner was saying. Partners aren’t always conscious of their tendency to plan what they are going to say next.

Some partners are busy preparing a defense if the other partner is listing complaints or has been very upset. Here, the inability to listen redirects the focus away from the talking partner toward the listener, and the conversation becomes more about the listener’s point of view instead of the partner talking about his or her problem. Often this development will cause the initiator to get even more upset, and the conversation can easily develop into a back-and-forth, escalating argument about who is right and wrong and what the point of the discussion is.

In this article, I am going to highlight what active listening entails. If you find yourself thinking you and your partner have communication problems, and aren’t quite sure about how to fix them, I want you to know that practicing active listening can greatly improve how you communicate and will ultimately help your relationship.

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Listening is arelationship skill most of us haven’t learned. Active listening is, if practiced and mastered, the best gift you can give your partner.

Listening is an activity where you are not just waiting for your turn to speak. This kind of listening means you are concentrating on and making an effort to understand your partner’s point of view and how she/he is thinking and feeling.

Listening is an emotional skill that is a lot harder than engaging in counter-complaints when your partner lists her/his complaints. My best advice is to be aware of your best intentions and why the relationship is important to you.

Listening shows you are engaged and interestedin what your partner has to say.

Listening also entails paying attention to your own and your partner’s body language. Eye contact is especially important to show you care. Reading your partner’s body language can give you clues as to how she/he feels.

Listening shows you can manage your emotionsand wait for your turn. Practice calming yourself by reminding yourself that this is more about your partner than about you. This is the ultimate gift you can give your partner when she/he is distressed. This should be combined with eye contact to show your partner that her/his opinions and emotions are important to you.

Asking questions is a better listening tool than explaining what you think about your partner’s problem. A good listener knows the value of asking clarifying questions, thus helping your partner talk more about her/his problem.Giving a summary or recap of what your partner just said is an excellent way to show your genuine willingness to understand your partner.When you listen to your partner talking about her/his distress, you might feel a strong urge to fix your partner’s problem right away. However, offering a solution isn’t always the best thing to do before you have heard your partner out. We all know the frustrations when we are met with, “Why don’t you …” remarks before we are done explaining. This can show that the listener finds it hard to witness the partner’s distress, ultimately disincentivizing the partner from talking about her/his problem.

As an effective listener, you are able to help your partner discover her/his feelings about a particular problem she/he is having. When you are able to set your own emotions aside for the time being, you can rest assured that the probability of your partner being able to listen, when you have something to talk about later, will be a lot higher.

COMMUNICATION TOOLS THAT SAVED MY MARRIAGE.

If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse.

The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.

1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel it's okay to strike at someone verbally because, "He is picking a fight with me." You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

The implications of following Jesus' example were huge. My wife's sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Catherine free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.

2. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.

A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.

You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it's a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it's your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.

During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Catherine's legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.)

As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I'm certain you'll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting.

This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.

3. The Principle of Proper Timing: 

The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.

The book of Proverbs tells us, "A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!" (15:23).

Typically, the first opportunity Catherine and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation.

So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Catherine, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness.

Let's look at a couple of scenarios where we're more likely to fail.

Catherine  is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let's say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She's been thinking through this for weeks and she's now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I'm watching a football game.

I'm also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Catherine  and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Catherine  is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, "What do you think God is doing with the children?" This is a question Catherine  would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she's ready for bed—not an extensive discussion.

There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we're up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations.

4. The Principle of Mirroring:

Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, "Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge."

Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you're not sure if your spouse is getting what you're talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: "What do you mean by that?"

Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said.

As we learned this principle, I often didn't like Catherine's negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn't like how they exposed me.

The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

5. The Principle of Prayer: 

Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We've become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by.

No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage.

We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God's intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation?

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing.

We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you'll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

The transformation never ends

As a result of God's grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of marriage. It's not that you don't still mess up—you will do. Thankfully, God He will continues to work on your marriage.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we're willing to apply some intentional principles. We've all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

What do couples talk about?

Time Together/Apart. Both the quantity and quality of time we spend together influence the well-being of our marital friendships. Spending time apart participating in other activities also influences the well-being of our relationships.

Money. How we think and talk about money, our spending habits, and our ability to budget, invest, and plan for the future impact couple financial management processes and practices.

Health. Couples must talk about many health-related issues, including nutrition, exercise, illness, disease, accidents, health care, mortality, and death.

Men/Women. Because men tend to be more task-oriented in their communication styles and women tend to be more process-oriented, men tend to want to solve issues immediately, while women tend to want to talk about them more and come to a consensus about what should be done.

Children. How children develop physically, socially, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually are often topics of discussion. Focusing on the best ways to consistently meet children's needs is considered being child-centered.

Family/In-Laws/Friends. Couples often talk about situations and circumstances surrounding the interactions they have with their closest relationships.

What do couples communicate when they are communicating?

Commitment. How we "hang in there" and contribute to our marital friendship, even when things aren't going particularly well, is a sign of how committed we are to our relationship. Loyalty and fidelity are aspects of commitment and trust.

Trust. Trusting relationships are relationships in which both partners are dependable, available to support each other, and responsive to each other's needs. An ability to negotiate conflict and a positive outlook about the future of the relationship are also components of trust.

Intimacy. The social, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical connections we make with each other determine the levels of intimacy we experience in our relationships.

What do couples argue about?

Because the items listed above are some of the major topics couples talk about, it follows that they are also the same topics that can spur disagreements. For instance, it is a familiar joke that people can have difficulties in their relationships with in-laws. Take for example, “What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Answer: One is 'Wanted!'” Sayings such as these underscore the importance of knowing how your relationships with others can affect your marriage and could potentially become the topic of a marital conflict.

Control and Power. Control and power are highly associated with the topics couples argue about. Indeed, control and power issues are the foundation of most conflicts. Typically, one person (or each person) is bent on having his or her own way. The saying "my way or the highway" is a common phrase used by someone with an inflexible perspective. If we see an issue one way and expect everyone else to see it the same way we do, then we are more likely to try to exert power and control over others and sway them to our perspective. Attempting to exert control and power over our partner typically results in win/lose or lose/lose outcomes for our marital friendships.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING

Ashish and Alka Mehra are both doctors but could not cure their ailing marriage when it snowballed into routine fights and infidelity. Though divorce seemed inevitable, the couple decided to approach me for help. A 4 months of counseling, the Mehras' marriage is on its way to recovery. The first sign is communication breakdown. At that stage, no argument seems to work.

"When you feel that you are saying something and your partner is hearing something else, it means there is a problem," In fact, most extramarital affairs are nothing but a manifestation of a crisis in marriage that has gone unaddressed.

One another case Mrs. Pallavi Parikh saved her marriage this way. Her husband was unwilling to have any counselling or coaching. She was desperate to get some help as they had already been separated before. She had several complaints about her husband. Through co aching, she learned various ways of communicating with him. She also learned about some of her own issues. Having worked on her relationship through the coaching process; she has saved her marriage. Her children are happier and her own self-confidence has grown.

Whatever your situation, your intention to improve your relationship will make your counseling powerful. You will find new solutions and your self-esteem will grow. I will help you focus on the future and heal the past. You will improve your relationship with yourself first of all and then be able to create the relationship you have always longed for. Give it a go! you will be amazed at the results!

For adults, divorce can be one of life’s most stressful life events. The decision to divorce often is met with ambivalence and uncertainty about the future. If children are involved, they may experience negative effects such as denial, feelings of abandonment, anger, blame, guilt, preoccupation with reconciliation, and acting out.

People have understood the importance of marital counseling. many people get angry when told that there is no problem with the marriage but it is their individual difficulties that are causing the problems," The problem mainly lies in the unrealistic expectations and aims troubled couples have from counseling. "Often they come in thinking that they want to fix their spouse or that someone will tell them where exactly thing are going wrong or that the counselor will do the dirty work of conveying the bad news to the partner.

When couples encounter following problems it is appropriate to seek marriage counseling.

Communication has become negative.When one or both partners consider having an affairWhen the partners do not know how to resolve their differences.When the only resolution appears to be separation.When a couple is staying together for the sake of the children

Marriage counseling therapy Short term counseling may be between 1 to 3 sessions whereas long term couples therapy may be between 12 and 24 sessions. Couples therapy is more about seemingly intractable problems with a relationship history, where emotions are the target.

Basic principles of Marriage counseling therapy

Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in a failure to function optimally and produce self-reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. - negative interaction cycles." There are many possible reasons for this, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem solving, ill health, third parties and so on. Changes in situations like financial state, physical health, and the influence of other family members can have a profound influence on the conduct, responses and actions of the individuals in a relationship.

A viable solution to the problem and setting these relationships back on track may be due to individuals' perceptions and emotions - how one looks at or responds to situations and feels about them. Perceptions of and emotional responses to a relationship are contained within mental map of the relationship. The core values can then be understood and changed when no longer appropriate. This implies that each person takes equal responsibility for awareness of the problem as it arises, awareness of their own contribution to the problem and making some fundamental changes in thought and feeling.

The partners are alternately mutually dependent on each other and has the need for intimacy and for autonomy and satisfaction in the relationship and stability. But it depends on the specific developing duties of each partner in every life phase and maturity".

Method of Marriage counseling therapy

This focus primarily on the process of communicating. The most commonly used method is active listening, couples should learn a method of communicating designed to create a safe environment for each partner to express and hear feelings.

Active listening did a better job creating a safe environment. and therefore the listener is trained in-depth with mental exercises and methods to interpret as love what might otherwise feel abusive. 
Often healthy couples almost never listen and echo each other's feelings naturally. Exercise itself didn't help couples to improve their marriages. It was a clinical dead end.

Emotions bring the past alive in rigid interaction patterns, which create and reflect absorbing emotional states. These forget about learning how to argue better, analysing your early childhood, making grand romantic gestures, or experimenting with new sexual positions. Instead, recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection.

Aim of Marriage counseling therapy:

To identify the repetitive, negative interaction cycle - understand the source of reactive emotions.- re-organize key emotional responses in the relationship - facilitate a shift in partners' interaction to new patterns of interaction. - create new and positively bonding emotional events in the relationship - foster a secure attachment between partners and maintain a sense of intimacy. Develop - Respect - Empathy - Tact - Consent - Confidentiality - Accountability - Expertisen - Evidence based - ongoing training

Exercises In Marriage Counseling Therapy - I evaluates the couple's personal and relationship story as it is narrated, interrupts wisely, facilitates both de-escalation of unhelpful conflict and the development of realistic, practical solutions. Individualistic approaches to couple problems can cause harm. The counselor or therapist encourages the participants to give their best efforts to reorienting their relationship with each other. One of the challenges here is for each person to change their own responses to their partner's behaviour. Other challenges to the process are disclosing controversial or shameful events and revealing closely guarded secrets. Not all couples put all of their cards on the table at first. This can take time.

 

What to expect in Marriage counseling

Marriage counseling can help you decide what the future might hold for each one of you, and for you as a couple. In marriage counselling you're encouraged and supported to:

... explain your hopes, dreams and concerns... understand each other better - one of the greatest benefits of couple counselling... manage differences of opinion... improve relationship communication... explore whether there's still hope, or whether to end the relationship... talk more - and more helpfully - to improve marital harmony... learn problem solving strategies... identify your ’wants’ and needs... identify what works well in your relationship or marriage -– there are always things that are going well!... process and move on from the disappointments, hurts and anger... identify your own innate and acquired individual resources... identify your resources as a couple... explore the impact of ending your relationship - positive and negative... cope and manage you losses if it's your decision to end your relationship/marriage... come to terms with, heal and move on when dealing with infidelity... get to know yourself better.

Often one of the partners doesn't want to go for couple counselling - for whatever reason. Very often it's the male partner. If you really think that relationship or marriage counselling can help and your husband or wife won't go - then you can start by yourself. Your partner may decide to join you at a later stage.

Marriage counseling therapy can help you to:

1. Feel happier, lighter and more energetic
2. Understand why you were depressed and how to prevent it
3. Feel calmer
4. Find relief from (traumatic) stress symptoms
5. Feel better - recover from fears and phobias or heal trauma
6. Find relief from previously ‘bottled up’ feelings
7. Enhance your social skills if needed
8. Meet your essential emotional needs more in balance
9. Increase your awareness of your innate and acquired resources
10. Increase your confidence and self esteem

Marriage counseling process.

make counselling/therapy as painless as possiblenot dwell on the past unnecessarilyaim to help you to feel better after every consultation.give information and advice if neededexplain how your brain works with regards to emotion.help you to access the same relaxed state as when you dreamincrease your knowledge without jargon or ‘psychobabble’use a variety of techniques as appropriatecalm high levels of emotions as soon as possibleencourage new understandings and solutions.adapt the therapy flexibly and uniquely for youavoid using a ’preferred’ theory regardless of your problemssupport you when difficult feelings emerge without dwelling on thembe aware of research in psychology, neurobiology and counsellinghelp you overcome your problems in as few sessions as possibleconsider the effects of counselling on the people close to youteach you to relax deeply.

If you're facing a divorce, you may feel that your partner is pulling all the strings. This might leave you feeling out of control and frightened.

Life after a separation often resembles a roller-coaster ride with all its foreseeable (and unforeseeable) ups and downs. There are nearly always many twists and turns before the final Decree Nisi.

I can't tell you how important it is to keep the channels of communication open.

The right divorce advice from appropriate professionals can save your sanity and will ensure that you're coping with your divorce the best you can.

Communicating effectively when you're both emotional can seem at times impossible. However, remaining at the very least polite and co-operative is vital if you have children.

You may be splitting up, but you are going to be parents for the rest of your lives.

What if you want divorce

The partner who wants to end the marriage wants distance. They're often afraid that any show sympathy may be seen as a sign of hope that separation or divorce can be averted. The other desperately needs the comfort of a close attachment. They need to be able to ask questions, and they want answers, commitment, and reassurance.

The right kind of divorce advice is vital.

For advice about making the process as painless as possible, do have a look at my Divorce Tips.

12 ways divorce advice and counselling can help with 'how to get divorced'

understand normal reactions to stress and lossexplore the possible reasons for the break-upunderstand what might be going on for you and your partner nowcommunicate effectively with your partnerexplore sources of supportadvise you of appropriate servicesidentify and access your own personal resourcescommunicate with the most important people in your lifeadvise you on how to support the childrenfacilitate re-engagement with each other if there is a glimmer of hopere-engage with life and find new meaning if there isn't'normalise' feelings, thoughts and behaviours during this time of crisis, so that you feel better able to cope with your divorce

Divorce or separation can be really, really tough - I so understand this. And the prospect of actually surviving divorce and moving on with your life might seem impossible to you right now.

At the end of the day the goal is happiness, and behaving in ways that benefit you will help you achieve that goal much more efficiently than finding ways to hurt your spouse.

Revenge cannot repair losses or compensate for betrayal. Revenge is a sign of weakness. It is clear that the revenge-seeker has been hurt badly and that they are unable to cope. You don't want to give your spouse the opportunity to thrive on your weakness and misery. Demonstrating that you are strong and able to live happily despite what they have done to hurt you.

FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING

If you have logged on to my web site and are now reading this particular page, it is possible that you are experiencing a relationship or family problem. If this is the case, I hope that you will be able to find some guidance, either here on my site or elsewhere. 

I am sure that it is needless to say that relationship and family problems are more common than perhaps ever before, I say perhaps, because some would say that problems have always existed but were not spoken about in days gone by. Whilst I agree with that point of view to a certain degree, I personally believe that family life is taking strain and it is not always easy to navigate the various stressors placed upon the modern family. 

The media, television, magazines, movies, all sell versions of how the modern person and modern family should be and many of us take our cues accordingly. Divorce has become an easy option, and even though there are obviously many marriages which need to end in divorce, I feel certain that many could be saved if couples become open to re-committing to one another and doing the work necessary when embarking upon couple counselling/coaching. As well as the media, there are may other factors which can put strain on the family, some of them are listed below:

Dual career lifestyles. With most families having both mother and father working, many problems can arise, for instance; (a) Disputes over the division of labour in the household. (b) differences which arise because of differing incomes and power balances which can come about. (c) Problems concerning how money is spent. (d)Differing ideas on child care arrangements while both parties are working and who should manage the children during times of illness and during school holidays.

Financial Pressure. Financial problems can come about in the most balanced family, even those who have taken great endeavours to plan their finances carefully. Financial problems create enormous worry and stress, and in turn these factors can take there toll on the family. There is usually no easy fix to financial problems if they get out of hand, but there are steps which can be taken which will help the family move back into a place of control and reduce the stress surrounding the issue. Debt counselling can be very beneficial if finances are completely out of control and there seems no way to meet the monthly expenditures.

Infidelity. Despite the fact that infidelity is very difficult to deal with, I have worked with couples who have managed to save their marriages and move on to have close and fullfilling relationships. For some it was far from easy, and took a fair amount of time, but I believe that for them it was worth it. This is not to say that all couples will be able to manoeuvre infidelity, when trust is broken it takes a lot to have it restored. The party who committed the adultery needs to be able to say sorry, and mean it and the injured party needs to be able to forgive and mean it. Also, what needs to be examined is the possibility that there could have been some other aspect in the marriage which may have had some bearing on the infidelity. In saying this I am not saying that sometimes people do not simply fall prey to temptation, because I believe that sometimes they do, but there are at times other factors involved in infidelity, which if brought to light can be worked through by the couple if they are willing and open enough to do the work.

Communication problems. Good communication is probably the most important aspect in any relationship and the same is true within the family. So often in the work that I do with couples, or families, the main component of the problem is miscommunication resulting in misunderstandings and a lot of unneccessary pain. I truly wish that communication skills could be taught in schools. We cannot not communicate! Every moment of every day, we are communicating something, whether to someone else or to ourselves. We communicate using words, sentences, tone of voice, pitch, by our body language, our facial expressions, our clothes and of course most importantly by our actions. Communication also includes listening. Have you ever felt that you have not been heard? I am sure that most of you reading this will know how it feels, and yet often as humans we don't listen. Often during counselling we will do exercises which involve 'active listening', this is listening with intent, intent to hear and to understand what the other is saying. Agreement is not always necessary, mostly people want to feel that they have been heard. Communication skills can be learned, either in Counselling/Coaching sessions  it can greatly improve family dynamics.

Alchohol and Drugs. The problems which can be brought about because of the misuse of alcohol and drugs are too numerous to mention. Also the scale of the problem of Alcohol and Drug problems is immense. Where the problem lies, can either be with the parents, or with the kids, wherever the problem it can have devastating results and bring intense misery to all members of the family. Too often families struggle on alone trying to solve their problems, or hoping they will go away. My advice in this instance is to seek help as soon as you suspect a member of your family is misusing alcohol or using drugs. When I speak of drugs I include weed or marajuana. The reason I do this is that in many circles these days weed is seen as an acceptable part of socialising and relaxation. Children tell their parents “but everyone uses weed these days” and some parents believe them and do nothing. Intervention is needed early! If you are experiencing an alcohol or drug problem in your family there are likely to be other problems too. There are many avenues available for help, a qualified counsellor or coach will be able to guide you as to where to find the help best suited for you and your family.

There are of course many other problems which can create disharmony in the family. There is always a way forward, no matter how severe the problem may seem.

"Determination is the wake up call to the human will."
                 Wiza Ngwira

REVELATION, CHAPTER 18

This will begin by giving you the scripture from the King James Version of the Bible, then will go into our description of what the verses mean. You will be able to read various additional information contained in more specific files under "Research Materials".

To skip the Introduction for Revelation chapter 18, Chapter 18 Scripture Begins Here

Revelation chapter 18 - Commercial, Political Babylon is now in view - The destruction of religious Babylon described in Rev. 17 and commercial Babylon in chapter 18 will decisively rid the world of the major evils that have plagued the human race for about 5000 years. We have already seen the destruction to be unleashed on ecclesiastical or religious Babylon in the middle of the Tribulation period.

But the destruction of the commercial and governmental systems will not take place, however, until the end of the Tribulation. Some Bible scholars do not distinguish between the destruction of chapter 17 and that of chapter 18, but mold them altogether. The following six reasons establish that they are not the same.

"After these things" (Rev 18 v.1) This expression indicates that the events described in chapter 18 will not take place until after the events of chapter 17 have been fulfilled.

"I saw another angel coming down from heaven" Events of chapter 17 were introduced by "one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls" (Rev 17 v.1). The angel referred to in chapter 18 is obviously not the same as the one who introduced the events of chapter 17. Therefore, we can expect the same sequence of events that have happened throughout the book of Revelation: When an angel fulfills his responsibility, another distinct judgment takes place on the earth.

The names in the 2 chapters are different. The name in chapter 18 is simply "Babylon the Great". (Rev. 18 v.2) True, the Babylon destroyed in chapter 17 has the name, "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Prostitutes and of the Abominations of the whole Earth", (Rev. 17 v.5) but the only similarity is the location, Babylon. When both titles are used fully, the contrast of these two Babylons is clearly seen.

Babylon the prostitute of chapter 17 will be destroyed by the kings of the earth. (Rev. 17 v.16) The Babylon of chapter 18 will be destroyed by the cataclysmic judgments of God.

The kings who destroy the Babylon of chapter 17 rejoice. In the Babylon of chapter 18, the kings and merchants lament and weep for her (Rev. 18 v.9-15).

If chapter 17 and 18 take place during the last days of the Tribulation, there will be no place for the Antichrist and the False Prophet to do away with all religions and substitute the worship of the Antichrist's image as described in chapter 13.

Chapter 18

18:1 And after these things I saw another angel come down from heaven, having great power; and the earth was lightened with his glory.

Then John saw another angel coming down from heaven. Whether "another angel" is one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls we are not told. But it seems doubtful, for this angel is distinctive, with such "great authority" that he lights the earth with his glory.

In the last lesson we saw that the beast, and his system, and the great whore were revealed.  Here in chapter 18, we will see the judgment that comes from God poured out on them. This "angel" in V-1 was sent from heaven.  This "power" spoken of here is power that God has endowed on this angel for the execution of this punishment. This "angel" has been in close association with the Light. We see here that this powerful Light of Jesus, even though second hand through the angel, still lightens the earth.

18:2 And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.

The message of this angel who cries with a "mighty voice" is this: "Fallen! Fallen is Babylon the Great!" Since chapter 18 seems to describe the destruction of a literal commercial city, the governmental capital of the world during the Tribulation, we naturally ask ourselves the question, "Where is that city?" Again, Bible prophecy students are not in agreement. Some suggest the city of Rome, and some years ago suggested New York City because he felt it was the commercial center of the world. Some who believe we should take the Scriptures literally whenever possible are inclined to believe that the city of Babylon will be rebuilt.

In chapter 18 verses 10, 16, 18, 19, and 21 you find reference to this Babylon being a city. In verse 2 the angel cried mightily and said "Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen". The literal interpretation would dictate that indeed this Babylon is a city.

I do not believe this is so! If you read Rev. 17 v.18 you see: "And the woman which thou sawest is that great city, which reigneth over the Kings of the earth." In reality the "woman" was the corrupt religious system and not a city. The same applies here. Commercial Babylon is a corrupt commercial, social and political system that will be destroyed at the end of the Tribulation.

18:3 For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.

Remember in chapter 16 we saw the actual destruction of commercial Babylon. At the end of this chapter I will show it  to you again so you can make sense of what is taking place.

The corruption may have had its beginnings at the city of Babylon, but believe me it has spread to every corner of the earth. It will not be until the earth is totally destroyed that this evil will be no more. Those who mourn are those who are loosing their ability to deceive the nations any longer.

Looking ahead at what it says in chapter 18 verse 23: "for thy merchants were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived", so you see this is not a city but a very corrupt system that is being destroyed by God by his Judgment to prepare for the coming Kingdom of our Lord Jesus Christ.

18:4 And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues.

Come out of her, my people. This is a call for God's people to disentangle themselves from the world system. It may also be an evangelistic call to God's elect to come to faith in Christ and come out of Satan's kingdom. In both cases, the message is to abandon the system.

Read 2 Cor. 6 v-14-17 for a good example of this

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in [them]; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean [thing]; and I will receive you,

You see, even though you are not committing sin, as such. You are committing sin by association. The Bible tells us over and over not to be unequally yoked with those of unbelief. If you do not remove yourself, you are guilty of her sin. In this verse, we read that her plagues will come to those people as well.

The righteous God of the universe has not overlooked the sins of the elite power brokers who have used commerce and government for centuries to live luxuriously at the expense of others. The commercial, social and political systems of the Antichrist will receive double judgment for their sins.

18:5 For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities.

Babylon's sins will pile up like a new Tower of Babel, but unlike the ancient tower, her sins will reach as high as heaven.

Then an angel states that God has remembered her sins. He will take note of them as He did that earlier monument to man's sinful, arrogant, prideful rebellion at Babel.

18:6 Reward her even as she rewarded you, and double unto her double according to her works: in the cup which she hath filled fill to her double.

This reward her simple means will recompense or repay commercial Babylon according to her works. All of those who are involved and are guilty will suffer double judgment as the cup is filled twice for her for what she has done to the Saints.

She will reap what she sowed.

18:7 How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow.

This is describing 3 sins she is guilty of.

(1)   "She has glorified herself" meaning she was proud.

(2)   "She lived Deliciously" meaning she pursued self gratification, and

(3)   "I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow" meaning she was not only proud but boastful.

That proud boast echoes that of ancient Babylon who said "I will be a queen forever" and I will not sit as a widow, nor know loss of children. Now read that boast in Isaiah 47 verses 7-8:

"And thou saidst, I shall be a lady for ever: [so] that thou didst not lay these [things] to thy heart, neither didst remember the latter end of it." "Therefore hear now this, [thou that art] given to pleasures, that dwellest carelessly, that sayest in thine heart, I [am], and none else beside me; I shall not sit [as] a widow, neither shall I know the loss of children."

18:8 Therefore shall her plagues come in one day, death, and mourning, and famine; and she shall be utterly burned with fire: for strong [is] the Lord God who judgeth her.

But these two [things] shall come to thee in a moment in one day, the loss of children, and widowhood: they shall come upon thee in their perfection for the multitude of thy sorceries, [and] for the great abundance of thine enchantments. (Isaiah 47 v.9)

This is saying that Babylon's destruction will not be progressive. The wicked city (system) will be instantly destroyed. Daniel 5 records a similar fate that befell ancient Babylon; the city fell the very night that God wrote its doom on the wall of the king's palace.

Babylon's doom is certain and cannot be avoided. No one can change God's plans or keep Him from accomplishing what He purposed to do as Nebuchadnezzar discovered above in Daniel. Or in this case his grandson.

18:9 And the kings of the earth, who have committed fornication and lived deliciously with her, shall bewail her, and lament for her, when they shall see the smoke of her burning,

This will no doubt include the 10 kings of the earth who rule Antichrist's kingdom under his authority as well as the rest of the world's leaders.

The destruction of the Antichrist's political and economic power will strike a fatal blow to his empire. The fall of Babylon will be a symbol of the fall of the entire evil world system.

And again Babylon is pictured as a harlot whose death causes her lovers to weep and lament over her.

18:10 Standing afar off for the fear of her torment, saying, Alas, alas, that great city Babylon, that mighty city! for in one hour is thy judgment come.

This "standing afar off", could mean those who heeded and came out of her. It really doesn't matter where. It may be all of these cities and many more, or it might not be a literal city at all.  I really believe this is both an evil system and many evil cities, as well, being destroyed.

The one hour simply means the judgment will happen rapidly just as verse 8 predicted.

18:11 And the merchants of the earth shall weep and mourn over her; for no man buyeth their merchandise any more:

These mourners are the merchants of the earth who will weep and mourn over Babylon because no one will be able to buy their goods anymore.

Whatever economy there had been will end and so will any semblance of normalcy on this devastated planet that was already in serious trouble brought on by the divine judgments of God.

18:12-13 "The merchandise of gold, and silver, and precious stones, and of pearls, and fine linen, and purple, and silk, and scarlet, and all thyine wood, and all manner vessels of ivory, and all manner vessels of most precious wood, and of brass, and iron, and marble," "And cinnamon, and odours, and ointments, and frankincense, and wine, and oil, and fine flour, and wheat, and beasts, and sheep, and horses, and chariots, and slaves, and souls of men".

It appears that these are classed in several types:

  1.  Personal items of jewelry

  2.  Articles used for furniture

  3.  Nice smelling and tasting things

  4.  Food

  5.  Animals

  6.  Souls of men

What significance this has, I do not know; unless, it means worldly things. Most of these are things a person could do without if hard times came and you had to, even maybe the food for awhile.

This "souls of men", is one of the more interesting. In the days of the old Roman Empire, they sold people as you would animals. Perhaps that is what is meant there.  They thought no more about selling a person than they did a pair of shoes.

It appears to me, in all of this that trade has just about ceased, period. Probably, all the plagues and wars have just about stopped everything.

18:14 And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee, and all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou shalt find them no more at all.

And the merchandise that was available before are now gone and will never ever be available again. The commercial system is completely shut down and that reality is about to be made manifest.

It will probably be a time when it will be next to impossible to even find enough to feed your family. Even if you did find enough for them to eat, it would probably take all you could possibly make just to have even bread for your family.

This is probably the time when a loaf of bread would cost a whole day's wages.  There will be no money at all left for niceties.

Even if you have a tremendous amount of money, there will be great shortages of real items necessary to live on not to mention the things the rich consume will be entirely unavailable.

18:15 The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing,

Here, we see such great fear from these merchants who used to sell their merchandise at tremendous, outrageous profits. Like today when many get rich from oil by taking advantage of those who can't afford the inflated prices. And that includes the government who adds very high taxes to every gallon of gas. When this horrible punishment comes, it will put the fear of God on those looking on. It is about time that someone begins to fear.

These merchants weep because their materialistic passions can no longer be fulfilled. The weeping that begins then will last for eternity in hell.

These greedy merchants are a classic illustration of those in all times who gain the whole world only to end up forfeiting their own souls.

18:16 And saying, Alas, alas, that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious stones, and pearls!

These items were common commodities in the ancient world and were the source of great immense financial gain. Those materialistic, unrepentant people mourn as God brings His judgment against Babylon, knowing these items will never be found again.

18:17 For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as trade by sea, stood afar off,

In one Hour: The destruction will come suddenly and quickly. The world's pagan economic system will collapse. They cast dust on their heads as a sign of mourning and sorrow (v.19; Job. 2:12; lam. 2:10; Ezek. 27:30). God hath avenged you on her: God at last judges the Babylonian system for its treatment of God's people, particularly those who are martyred during the Tribulation (Rev. 6:9-11).

18:18 And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What [city is] like unto this great city!

The people cry and are amazed as they see this destruction taking place before their eyes.

18:19 And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, that great city, wherein were made rich all that had ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made desolate.

Casting dust on their heads is a typical ancient expression of grief. These last few scriptures state sailors, but could mean any system of transportation and delivery systems of today such as planes, trains, trucks ect. All of these services would be immediately shut down if the commercial system was destroyed including banking and computers.

Consider what would happen if there was no more electrical system available.

18:20 Rejoice over her, [thou] heaven, and [ye] holy apostles and prophets; for God hath avenged you on her.

God has taken vengeance on the ones who killed his prophets and apostles and even his blessed Son.  Finally, all of those martyred by these have been avenged.

The long awaited moment of vindication, retribution and vengeance for which the martyred tribulation believers had prayed for in chapter 6 verses 9 -10 and for which all the redeemed have hoped, that time has arrived.

These final verses picture from within the results of the collapse of the Babylonian system. The finality of its destruction is shown by the six fold repetition of the phrase "no more at all". The stone cast into the sea depicts the violence and permanence of the destruction. The Babylonian system began in Genesis 10, and has continued uninterrupted in one form or another to the present day. But one day it will suddenly "sink," never to return.

In verses 23b, 24, three reasons are given for the destruction of Babylon:  (1) its arrogance, (2) Its deception of the nations, and (3) its persecution and martyrdom of God's people.

18:21 And a mighty angel took up a stone like a great millstone, and cast [it] into the sea, saying, Thus with violence shall that great city Babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all.

"sea" sometimes means masses of people but I do not believe that is the meaning here. Whether this is only a real city, (rebuilt Babylon) or a sinful commercial, social and political system that corrupts the entire world which is being destroyed here, this is speaking of total destruction. More than likely both this is speaking of both as the two can be easily associated. This millstone here is similar to the one spoken of as being around a neck and thrown into the sea.

In the light of this Scripture, this is a really bad punishment. I believe this illustration is to show the finality of this judgment of God. We must remember Babylon is destroyed by God Himself, not by the devil.

18:22 And the voice of harpers, and musicians, and of pipers, and trumpeters, shall be heard no more at all in thee; and no craftsman, of whatsoever craft [he be], shall be found any more in thee; and the sound of a millstone shall be heard no more at all in thee;

Literally everything grinds to a halt everywhere. Babylon will be completely and so thoroughly destroyed that it will never rise again as predicted by the Old Testament prophets. Isaiah in Chapter 13 verses 19-21: "And Babylon, the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldees' excellency, shall be as when God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah." "It shall never be inhabited, neither shall it be dwelt in from generation to generation: neither shall the Arabian pitch tent there; neither shall the shepherds make their fold there." "But wild beasts of the desert shall lie there; and their houses shall be full of doleful creatures; and owls shall dwell there, and satyrs shall dance there." Babylon Destroyed

18:23-24 "And the light of a candle shall shine no more at all in thee; and the voice of the bridegroom and of the bride shall be heard no more at all in thee: for thy merchants were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived." "And in her was found the blood of prophets, and of saints, and of all that were slain upon the earth."

Three final reasons are given for Babylon's judgment. Notice that the merchants are mentioned as the great men of the earth. That's why this is talking of a commercial system as well as a political system. They are not from the city of Babylon, but from all parts of the earth.

First, they use their wealth to ascent to positions of power, prominence and influence. The abuses of the proud, arrogant rich are well documented in scripture. James, Isaiah and Amos condemned the rich for their self aggrandizement and maltreatment of the poor.

Second is all the nations were deceived by her sorcery. Sorcery is from pharmakeia, the root word of the English words "pharmacy" and "pharmaceuticals". The word is used in the New Testament to refer to magic and occult practices. (Gal. 5 v.20)

Babylon's hold on the world will not be entirely due to her military and economic power, but also to her occult influence.

A final reason given for Babylon's judgment is her murderous slaughter of God's people.

Now let's go back and read the end of chapter 16 starting with verse 17 through verse 21.

This is starting when the Angel pours our the seventh vial or bowl judgment which is the last of the 21 plaques of Revelation right before the second coming of Jesus and the battle of Armageddon.

16:17 And the seventh angel poured out his vial into the air; and there came a great voice out of the temple of heaven, from the throne, saying, It is done.

16:18 And there were voices, and thunders, and lightnings; and there was a great earthquake, such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, [and] so great.

16:19 And the great city was divided into three parts, and the cities of the nations fell: and great Babylon came in remembrance before God, to give unto her the cup of the wine of the fierceness of his wrath.

16:20 And every island fled away, and the mountains were not found.

16:21 And there fell upon men a great hail out of heaven, [every stone] about the weight of a talent: and men blasphemed God because of the plague of the hail; for the plague thereof was exceeding great.

Notice that not only Babylon fell, but also the cities of the nations as well, v.19.

Also don't forget the earth is already reeling from the thunders and lightings not to mention the biggest earthquake the world has even know.

Then the great hail that weight about a talent each (100 pounds each). This hail is totally capable of destroying cities with no problem at all.

And verse 20 tells us that every island fled away and the mountains were no longer found. This is the worst plague of the 21 by far as it completely destroys the political, commercial system called Babylon the Great from off the earth. Not to mention that this is the end of the earth as we have known it as it now has been completely leveled and is ready for the renewal process that's coming.

SIGNS YOU'RE DISRESPECTING YOURSELF

The relationship rules that exist are just as important for the relationship we create with ourselves as it is for our relationships with others. Trusting, listening, communicating and most of all respecting ourselves is important to living in our truth.

You can’t be the best version of you without giving yourself the same respect we demand of others. The problem is that we don’t often see how we treat ourselves as either respectful or disrespectful. These signs will certainly help:

YOU MAY BE DISRESPECTING YOURSELF IF. . .1. YOU’RE SAYING YES TO THINGS THAT ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO YOU OR THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TIME FOR.

Respect your time and energy by spending it on projects and with people that matter most. We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by over scheduling our days and taking time away from the necessary self-care that makes us whole.

2. YOU PRESENT YOURSELF AS SOMETHING YOU’RE NOT IN ORDER TO GAIN FAVOR.

We’ve all felt the need to give our life a bit of a facelift in order to impress someone. We also know that we shouldn’t have to do it and yet, we do it anyway. It’s the ultimate sign of disrespect to ourselves to think who we are isn’t good enough. And if we aren’t good enough for them, the real truth is they aren’t good enough for us.

3. YOU OFTEN AGREE WITH WHAT SOMEONE SAYS ONLY BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO OFFEND THEM.

Our opinions matter and when we don’t express them, we are basically saying to ourselves and everyone around us that they don’t. If someone is offended by our honest and thoughtful opinions, then they weren’t really seeking advice, they were seeking a “yes” man. Show respect for you and others by expressing how you feel honestly and with kindness.

4. BY PUTTING YOUR NEEDS BEHIND THE NEEDS OF OTHERS.

We aren’t do anyone any favors by ignoring what we need in terms of rest, relaxation and overall self-care. We operate better, are more productive and emotionally stable when we are taking care of ourselves.

5. WHEN YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR DOING WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU EVEN IF IT GOES AGAINST THE ADVICE YOU’VE RECEIVED.

Seeking advice has a place in our lives for sure, but it’s important to remember it’s only advice. Whether we are giving or receiving it, there shouldn’t be a personal affront when it isn’t followed. It only means it wasn’t quite right at that time. Don’t feel guilty for going against the advice you received and making a decision that feels right to you.

6. YOU DON’T DEFEND YOURSELF BY SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

Nobody thrives on conflict and sometimes it is easier to just let things go. We have to balance that with defending ourselves. In order to respect ourselves, it’s important that people know the truth about us and the role we play in certain situations. Sometimes it’s correcting a wrong and other times it’s correcting a right. Either way, painting a clear and accurate picture is the ultimate sign of respect.

7. YOU REGULARLY HIDE HOW YOU’RE FEELING.

We are creatures of feelings and emotions, but society has taught us to keep them hidden so as to not make others uncomfortable. You are disrespecting yourself everytime you say things are fine when they aren’t. Be true to who you are and more importantly how you’re feeling.

8. YOU OVERTLY SEEK OUTSIDE ATTENTION.

The only attention that truly matters is the attention we give ourselves. When we seek attention from others, we are simply looking for outside validation of something we probably already know. If you find yourself seeking the approval of someone else, look within and figure out what’s missing. Then go to work on filling the gap.

9. YOU CONSTANTLY TRY TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY, ESSENTIALLY BECOMING THEIR DOORMAT.

We only have the ability to affect our own happiness and when we are happy, we want others to be happy too. The problem with trying to make others happier is that is we usually end up leaving them wanting, and as a result, we create a greater void on the inside. We can affect the greatest change by focusing on ourselves. As Mahatma Gandhi says, “be the change we want to see in the world.”

10. BY SURROUNDING YOURSELF WITH BAD COMPANY.

It is hard to be our authentic selves when we are hanging out with people who do not appreciate and share beliefs and values that help promote our true self. Take the time to find and grow with like-minded people that support who you are. It’s hard not to respect yourself when you are loved and supported.

Nobody sets out to be disrespectful to themselves, but so many automatic behaviors end up doing just that. Automatic responses to how we feel, not speaking our minds to avoid hurting feelings, and seeking validation from an outside source instead of within while seemingly harmless are forms of disrespect.

You don’t have to take the path to least resistance by ignoring your own wants and needs. Stand up for who you are and what you believe in a kind, but firm manner. That is the ultimate sign of respecting yourself.

EVILNESS IS A JUDGMENT

“Evilness” is a judgment.

When you label people as “evil” or as “bad,” you block your ability to see that they come from the same source that created you. Removing judgment allows you to extend compassion not only to them, but also to yourself. Through compassion, you can heal.

You can choose not to give power to so-called evil people.

You might have given the evildoers starring roles in your life drama, but to them, you might just be someone who got in their way. They pursued their goal without considering the damage caused by their actions.

They probably rationalized what they did in a way that made them feel they weren’t doing anything wrong, or that they had no option but to do what they did.

By realizing this, taking the actions of others less personally, and changing your thoughts about these actions, you can choose not to give your power away to other people. You can lessen the negative impact that hurtful actions have on your emotional state.

“Bad” people can become your greatest teachers.

My adult-life taught me to deal with adversity like no one else. Whoever has come into your life has done so for a reason. Ask yourself what lesson you can learn from the negative behavior of other people.

It’s okay to reject “evil.” 

Once the worst of my situation was over, I learned I had the choice to simply not let myself be bothered by what anyone had done to me.

“If you have a gift to give a friend, but the friend refuses to accept the gift, who then does the gift belong to?”

Limit your time with those who tend to bring negativity into your life and choose not to place your attention on the detrimental actions of others.

“Evil” dissolves when you bring light into it. 

If I had just turned on the light in my room when I was little, the monsters in my closet would’ve disappeared.

Usually, when others attack you, they are subconsciously seeking to bring up negative emotions in you. Their pain needs to feed on your pain to continue existing. If you decide to not give in to the negative emotions, they’ll have less incentive to attack. Light nullifies darkness.

Bring the light of your love and kindness to everyone around you, and watch the “bad” people in your life retreat or even change their actions.

“Evil” people don’t know better.

People who hurt you act out of ignorance. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.

Also, people who harm others are usually in dreadful emotional states. They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness.

There are no evil people.

However, the world is filled with people thinking evil thoughts. If you become prey of anger and hatred, you’ll join the ranks.

Send love to everyone around you, including those who’ve hurt you. Love will open the door for goodness to come into your life, and will close the door to those evil monsters in the closet who are people just like you and me, doing what they think it’s best at a certain moment in their lives.

RESIST THE DEVIL AND HE'LL FLEE ( CONTEXT PLEASE!

Resist the devil and he'll flee (Exposing a misinterpretation)

James 4:7, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

A lot of people claim that this is proof that a Christian never needs a deliverance. They claim that all we have to do is draw near to God and resist the devil and he's quickly on his way.

What an ear tickling message to say the least. So why isn't it working with so many countless believers who are being tormented and harassed by demonic spirits? They can try to resist the devil and draw near to God with everything they've got, and still the harassment and torment doesn't stop. Many pastors are known for writing the people off and saying that they aren't trying hard enough, but these people can try with everything they've got and still have no progress! What's wrong?

Quite frankly, James chapter 4 is not speaking of demonic harassment or torment... no, it's speaking of how to deal with the temptation that the devil sends our way!

This verse has been taken out of context to make it say something that it never said.

It's like the saying goes, "Never read a verse in the Bible again, always read a chapter!"

Furthermore, it's not telling us that the devil will come out of us, it's telling us that the devil will flee, which gives us a good indication that this is speaking of spiritual warfare where we are resisting the temptations of the devil from the outside.

Now let's take a look at some stories found in the Bible on how to deal with demonic torment or harassment.

An example of how demonic problems were addressed:

In Luke 13:11, there stood a woman with a spirit of infirmity:

"And, behold, there was a woman which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself."

How did Jesus handle her? Did He walk upto her and say, "Thou woman, you aren't resisting the devil and drawing near to God! If you would just do that, your demon would depart from you!"

No, that's not what happened. Jesus gave us a clear indication that she was a precious and sincere child of God when He said...

Luke 13:16, "And ought not this woman, being a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan hath bound, lo, these eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the sabbath day?"

Obviously this women didn't need to draw near to God and resist the devil, she needed to be set free from her demonic bondage! That's exactly how Jesus did for her in verse 12:

"And when Jesus saw her, he called her to him, and said unto her, Woman, thou art loosed from thine infirmity."

For those who insist that this woman was not a believer, I encourage you to read the following teaching, which will present an irrefutable case that she was indeed a believer, and she indeed had a demon: The Daughtor of Abraham

Another example of how demonic problems were addressed:

In Acts 19:12, we find where Paul was sending out prayer cloths to those in need of healings and deliverances.

"So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them."

Now Paul was known for teaching and guiding the believers in the ways of the Lord. After all, he wrote a very large percentage of the New Testament! He was continually instructing them on how to grow in the Lord. Now if those requesting prayer cloths could have solved their problems by simply drawing near to God and resisting the devil; why would Paul have been trying to give them a quick fix to get rid of their demons?

It makes no sense! After all, he was the one who was so diligent in teaching them the ways of the Lord and how to successfully do spiritual battle!

Let me put it bluntly, if all we had to do was resist the devil, then honestly, what would be the point in casting out demons? Would that not be a quick fix so we wouldn't have to draw near to God and resist the devil?

Did you know that Jesus never told us to fight or struggle against demonic oppression?

How was demonic oppression solved in the Bible? It was certainly not something the people did on their own, it was something that Jesus did for them as they came to Him. Acts 10:38 tells us...

"How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him."

The word healed means to make a person whole. There were other times when Jesus was said to heal a person of an unclean spirit, which involved casting it out. A good example of this is found in Matthew 12:22...

"Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him, insomuch that the blind and dumb both spake and saw."

What do we find just a couple verses down the page? We find out how Jesus healed the man...

"But when the Pharisees heard it, they said, This fellow doth not cast out devils, but by Beelzebub the prince of the devils." (v.24)

So if all the people had to do was draw near to God and resist the devil, why would Jesus be going around taking so many 'shortcuts'? Why wasn't Jesus teaching them to draw near to God and resist the devil? I'm sure these people would have done ANYTHING to be freed from their condition!

In a nutshell

I encourage you to go read James 4, then tell me, is it speaking about dealing with demonic harassment, possession, bondages and being vexed by demons? Is it speaking of getting people set free from demons? No, it is not! It's telling you how to overcome the temptations that the devil throws our way in this world!

The Bible is also clear on how we are to go about handling demons that need to be driven out:

Matthew 10:8, "Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give."

Mark 16:17, "And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils..."

Now if all we had to do was draw near to God and resist the devil, there would be no point in casting out demons, would there? Would not Jesus and His disciples have been wasting their time, along with the early church? Would they have not been giving people 'quick fixes' to problems that they ought to be drawing near to God and resisting the devil to solve?

While it is true that we should always resist the devil and draw near to God, it is not the Biblical solution to solving problems that are demonic in a person's life.

FORGIVING YOURSELF

This is an excellent companion to a couple teachings I published entitled, "It's vital to love yourself" and "The forgiveness of sins". If you look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes but you don't like the person you see, then you need to forgive yourself and learn how to love the person that God has made in you! This is what we call a stronghold, or an incorrect thinking pattern that needs to be torn down in your mind. If you have repented of your sins, and taken them before the Lord, then you are forgiven... and now you need to come to realize the power of that. You need to stop associating your failures with your "new creation" image, for God's Word says...

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Can you honestly look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I love you" and mean it with your heart? I'm not talking about a prideful way, but a humble means of accepting who God has formed in you. We need to love and accept the person that Christ has made in us, and forgive ourselves as Christ has forgiven us!

The importance of forgiving yourself

When you look inside, you hate yourself, you could kick yourself over and over for your past failures and choices. You've came to Jesus and repented, but you haven't really accepted the truth about what Jesus has done for you yet. You still feel ashamed and guilty over your past and you keep holding it against yourself. The way you see yourself is not an accurate picture of what Christ has done for you. It is basically denying the work that Jesus accomplished for you on the cross! If your sins are forgiven, then you need to see yourself as separated from your sins... but no, the enemy will try diligently to remind you of your past and continue to beat you up over sins that were supposed to be nailed to the cross. You are wrapped up in guilt and condemnation my friend... and you NEED to forgive yourself. You can go through deliverance, but if you don't forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, you won't experience the breakthrough that you need to be totally set free.

When the recipient of a gift receives it gladly and with joy, the giver is glorified. But when the recipient receives the gift, but ignores it, the giver is mocked, belittled and feels unappreciated. When we fail to forgive ourselves, we are like a child who is given a trip to Disney World for Christmas, yet he keeps complaining that he can't go... even after his parents have already packed the car and are waiting on him to get in! How would would you feel if you were that child's parents? Wouldn't you feel sick inside, knowing that you spend all that money on this trip, the tickets, the hotel reservations, etc., and your son refuses to go because he doesn't believe that what you gave him was real? Think how your heavenly Father feels when He looks down and sees His children walking around beating themselves up over things that He shed His blood so that they could be forgiven and set free from?

I believe it is clear that failing to forgive ourselves from our past mistakes is denying the work of the cross and the shed Blood of Christ in our live. When God's Word tells us that we've been washed clean with the Blood of Christ, and our sins are removed through the atoning work that Jesus did for us... yet we still "could kick ourselves" for our mistakes, then we are basically saying, "I don't care what the Blood of Jesus has done, I still hate myself for what I've done!" It's stagging to think such a thing, but that is what really happens when we refuse to forgive ourselves.

If you don't see yourself as a new creature in Christ, then you have a serious problem. You will be hindered and held back from freely and confidently living out who you really are in Christ! You will be hesitant and feel unworthy to approach your Heavenly Father, because you feel you're a failure and unworthy... this is why it is vital for your conscience to be cleansed of dead works (your past failures)...

Hebrews 9:14, "How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?"

Failing to forgive yourself will put blinders on your spiritual eyesight quickly. It will cause you to see things through the eyes of guilt, shame and condemnation. It will ruin your faith, and cause you to go blind spiritually:

2 Peter 1:9, "But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins."

In the following verse, we are told to forgive one another, but did you know that the root word for the phrase "one another" actually includes yourself? The Greek root word Heautou refers not only to others, but also to ourselves!

Colossians 3:13, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Unforgiveness is a known door opener to torment from demonic spirits. Matthew 18:23-35 tells us how the unforgiving person is turned over into the hands of tormenters (that is, tormenting spirits). If we are unforgiving towards ourself, we open that door for tormenting spirits to come against us because we are not really accepting the work that Christ did for us on the cross. Another key to the demonic is bitterness, and when we become bitter with ourselves, we become defiled spiritually:

Hebrews 12:15, "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."

God's Word tells us that Jesus purged (that is, removed) our sin (Hebrews 1:3, "...when he had by himself purged our sins..."), but if we fail to forgive ourselves, we are in essence, calling God's Word a liar! We are saying, "I hate myself because I did that sin... I won't forgive myself of it!" when God's Word tells us that the sin has been PURGED or REMOVED from us... who are we to say that it is still part of our past? We are in essence, calling God's Word a LIE!

I can't tell you how important it is to realize that when the recipient of a gift (you and I) receives a gift (of Jesus' shed blood for the forgiveness of our sins) with joy and enjoys it to the fullness, the giver of that gift (that is Jesus) is glorified! Failing to forgive ourselves is denying or rejecting the gift of God and brings no glory (actually dishonor and humiliation) to what Jesus did for us.

What Hebrews chapter 10 has to say...

Hebrews 10:1-22, "For the law having a shadow of good things to come, and not the very image of the things, can never with those sacrifices which they offered year by year continually make the comers thereunto perfect. For then would they not have ceased to be offered? because that the worshipers once purged should have had no more conscience of sins. But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins. Wherefore when he cometh into the world, he saith, Sacrifice and offering thou wouldest not, but a body hast thou prepared me: In burnt offerings and sacrifices for sin thou hast had no pleasure. Then said I, Lo, I come (in the volume of the book it is written of me,) to do thy will, O God. Above when he said, Sacrifice and offering and burnt offerings and offering for sin thou wouldest not, neither hadst pleasure therein; which are offered by the law; Then said he, Lo, I come to do thy will, O God. He taketh away the first, that he may establish the second. By the which will we are sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. And every priest standeth daily ministering and offering oftentimes the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins: But this man, after he had offered one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down on the right hand of God; From henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering he hath perfected forever them that are sanctified. Whereof the Holy Ghost also is a witness to us: for after that he had said before, This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin. Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the blood of Jesus, By a new and living way, which he hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to say, his flesh; And having a high priest over the house of God; Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water."

Step #1, be honest with yourself

Realize that down deep inside, you're not happy with the person of your past. If you are in denial, then forget trying to treat the root of your problem. You need to see the problem before you can apply the solution. It might even be helpful to list all of the things that you hate about your past, and one-by-one, give them to the Lord and release yourself from each failure.

Step #2, you need to realize that your debt has been PAID

The only way that you can beat yourself up, after Jesus has paid your debt, is if you aren't accepting the gift that He has given you. If He's paid the debt, and you keep denying that fact, then you are rejecting the very gift that God has given you! You need to accept what Jesus has done for you by faith.

Galatians 2:16, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified."

The blood of Jesus was shed for the payment of your sins:

Matthew 26:28, "For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins."

Because of the powerful work that Christ did for us on the cross, God's Word tells us to come boldly unto the throne of grace, so that we can obtain mercy:

Hebrews 4:16, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."

The price for your redemption has been paid in full. It's up to you receive it and realize that the blood of Jesus actually removes the sin from your record. Now you need to see yourself as being forgiven and justified (which means, "just as if you've never sinned").

In Luke 7, Jesus took a very sinful woman (likely a prostitute) and freely washed her clean without hesitation...

Luke 7:47, "Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little."

The above verse is just one example of how freely Jesus would forgive a person of their sins. It is true that if we take our sin to Jesus, He will freely forgive us without hesitation:

Romans 3:24, "Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:"

There is also no sin that you can take to Jesus, which He will not forgive... for the Bible tells us that He is prepared to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness if we will turn to Him with our failures!

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Step #3, allow the Holy Spirit to heal your soul

You need to let God heal you... as long as you keep holding something against yourself, you are blocking the Holy Spirit's power from entering and healing that area of your mind and life! You need to open up your heart, and allow the light of Christ to shine into the darkness of your soul.

Step #4, begin to see the "new creature" of Christ within you

You are not seeing yourself as you really are. If you've repented of your past, and sought God's forgiveness, then you are forgiven or justified (which means "just as if I've never sinned"). It's not that you should try to forget what happened (don't remind yourself of it either though), but the important key is to see your past through the Blood of Jesus. You need to see your past as "paid in full" by the work that Christ did for you on the cross! Seeing things with this perspective changes everything! You need to begin seeing yourself through the blood of Jesus.

One day, when the enemy was trying to beat me up over my past, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to me and said, "You need to KNOW that you're clean... your faith depends upon it!"

Some Bible verses to meditate on

I encourage you to repeat these scriptures out loud, for there is indeed power in the spoken confession of God's truth. Do this on a regular (daily) bases and it will begin to renew your mind according to the truth found in God's Word.

2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Say to yourself, "I am a new creation in Christ, old things have passed away and all things become new."

1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Say to yourself, "When I confess my sin, He is faithful and just and will forgive me it, regardless what kind of unrighteousness I may have committed."

Colossians 3:13, "Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye."

Say to yourself, "I will love and forgive myself, as Christ has forgiven me."

Psalms 103:12, "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us."

Say to yourself, "My sins are not simply covered, but they are removed from me... taken so far from me, that there is no way that they can be considered a part of me anymore!"

Revelations 1:5, "And from Jesus Christ, who... washed us from our sins in his own blood."

Say to yourself, "I am washed from my sins by the Blood of Christ Jesus Himself."

Matthew 26:28, "For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins." (The NT Greek tells us that the word 'remission' here means, "Forgiveness or pardon, of sins (letting them go as if they had never been committed), remission of the penalty.")

Say to yourself, "Because the Blood of Christ was shed for me, I am let go as if I have never sinned."

Romans 5:1, "Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."

Say to yourself, "I have been justified (made right, as if I have never sinned) by faith and have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ."

Galatians 2:16, "Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified."

Say to yourself, "I cannot be justified by works of the law or acts of righteousness, but by my faith in Christ Jesus."

Romans 3:22, "Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference."

Say to yourself, "Because I believe, the righteousness of God is upon me."

Romans 4:3-8, "For what saith the Scripture? Abraham believed God, and it was counted unto him for righteousness. Now to him that worketh is the reward not reckoned of grace, but of debt. But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness. Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works, Saying, Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not impute sin."

Say to yourself, "The righteousness of God is upon me, not as a result of works of the law, but through faith in Christ Jesus, and the grace of God. I did not earn it, yet He gave it to me, and I receive it by faith in Christ Jesus."

Galatians 2:20, "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Romans 6:4, "Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life."

Say to yourself, "The old me has been crucified and my old man has been buried with Christ. Now my life is in Christ as I have been raised to life with Him and I am free to walk in the newness of life."

Isaiah 43:25, "I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins."

Say to yourself, "My Heavenly Father chose to forget my past sins for HIS sake. When He looks at me, He doesn't want to see my sin... He wants to see His precious creation which was purchased and justified with the Blood of His Son Jesus Christ."

Hebrews 9:14, "How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God, purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?"

Say to yourself, "Because of the Blood of Christ, my conscience can be purged of dead works (your past failures) so that I can serve the Living God."

Hebrews 10:22, "...draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water."

Say to yourself, "Not only did God chose to forget my sins, but He also wants me to forget them as well. He wants me to draw near to Him with a true heart, in full assurance of faith, being sprinkled clean from an evil conscience."

Romans 8:1, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."

Say to yourself, "I am in Christ Jesus, and therefore free from condemnation."

Closing thoughts

Failing to see yourself as God's Word sees you is denying the very work that Jesus did for us when He suffered and died on our behalf. Don't let this continue in your life another day... accept the free gift of God and begin to see yourself as a new creation in Christ Jesus, who's past failures have been purchased with the precious Blood of Jesus!

If you hate the person that you are, but God's Word tells us that you are a new creation that's been washed clean with the Blood of Christ, who "past" has been purchased with the work that Christ did for us on the cross... do you hate that person? Do you hate the new creation that God's made you? Or are you still a sinner in need of salvation? Are you in Christ or not?

Romans 8:1, "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."

Do you want to bring glory and honor to Jesus? Then accept His gift with great joy, and begin to see yourself as that new creation... begin to see your past failures as being "paid in full" by the great sacrifice that Christ made for you. Begin to see you the same way that your Heavenly Father sees you!