HEALTH RELATIONSHIP

AM I IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

Communication is a key part to building a healthy relationship. Communication means that you are able to share things about yourself and your feelings. It also means that you listen to what the other person shares. In doing so, you learn whether you both want and expect the same things--being on the same page is very important. The following tips can help you create and maintain a healthy relationship:

 

Speak Up. In a healthy relationship, if something is bothering you, it's best to talk about it instead of holding it in. Stay calm and talk about how you feel without attacking or blaming.

Respect Your Partner. Your partner's wishes and feelings have value. Let your significant other know you are making an effort to keep their ideas in mind. Mutual respect is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.

Compromise. Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it's important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something. Try to solve conflict in a fair and rational way. In a healthy relationship, negotiation and compromise are always present.

Be Supportive. Offer reassurance and encouragement to your partner. Also, let your partner know when you need their support. Healthy relationships are about building each other up, not putting each other down.

Respect Each Other's Privacy. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you have to share everything and constantly be together. Healthy relationships require space.

 

WHAT IS AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?

Relationships that are not healthy are based on power and control, not equality and respect. In the early stages of an abusive relationship, you may not think the unhealthy behaviors are a big deal. However, possessiveness, insults, jealous accusations, yelling, humiliation, pulling hair, pushing or other negative, abusive behaviors, are--at their root--exertions of power and control. Remember that abuse is always a choice and you deserve to be respected. There is no excuse for abuse of any kind.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself--it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

 get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?

 criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?

 keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?

 want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?

 ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?

 try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of the world, or harm you physically or sexually, then it is time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced, into anything he or she doesn't want to do.

 

DO NOT forget about YOU!

If you think your relationship is unhealthy, it's important to think about your safety now. Consider these points as you move forward.

Understand that a person can only change if they want to. You can't force your partner to alter their behavior if they don't believe they're wrong.

Focus on your own needs. Are you taking care of yourself? Your wellness is always important. Watch your stress levels, take time to be with friends, get enough sleep. If you find that your relationship is draining you, consider ending it.

Connect with your support systems. Often, abusers try to isolate their partners. Talk to your friends, family members, teachers and others to make sure you're getting the emotional support you need. Remember, our advocates are always ready to talk if you need a listening ear.

Think about breaking up. Remember that you deserve to feel safe and accepted in your relationship. Even though you cannot change your partner, you can make changes in your own life to stay safe. Consider leaving your partner before the abuse gets worse.