WHEN YOU BECOME UPSET OR DISAPPOINTED WITH YOUR IMPERFECT PARTNER, FOUR THINGS OFTEN HAPPEN: 3, 4

1. You blame your partner for your unhappiness. You judge your partner’s behavior as wrong, unfair or unjust. 
2. You fail to see your contribution to the problem. In many, but not all cases, your attitudes or behaviors have played some role in the occurrence and persistence of the problem. 
3. You attempt to get your partner to change his or her behavior. 
4. Your partner becomes defensive and resists change. 
Consider this example. Tshepo and Mpho have been married eight years and have three children, ages two, four, and seven. Tshepo comes home and feels overwhelmed by the apparent disorder and confusion. He thinks to himself, “What has Mpho been doing all day? I can’t handle this mess everyday.” Tshepo wants to eat and relax, and he blames his wife for not providing a calm and orderly home. He fails to understand that Mpho is worn out, and that he usually does little to help with the house work and kids. Without really seeing beyond his own view, Tshepo criticizes his wife, and Mpho feels accused of laziness and incompetence. She gets defensive and blames him for not helping her more. 
In many conflict situations such as this, little is accomplished because the focus of change is on the spouse. The spouse, however, is not likely to alter his habits or personality just because you want him to. No matter how hard you try to squeeze change out of your partner, he or she will change only when the person wants to change.

5 But if you can’t change your partner, how can you solve the relationship problem? One answer is this: you can effect some change in the relationship if you are willing to CHANGE YOURSELF! The focus of change becomes you, NOT YOUR PARTNER.
 
In most cases [of interpersonal conflict], both people have made some mistakes in dealing with each other. But the other person’s mistakes are not your concern. When you want to improve a relationship...you improve yourself and make your behavior the best possible. You cannot force another individual to change and be the way you want­that is up to him or her…. Correct your behavior so the responsibility for this [problem] becomes as little your fault as possible… hoping perhaps that the other person will change, but not demanding it as an outcome of your efforts.

6Thus, one way to improve your marriage is to modify your attitudes and your actions.7 It is a process of turning your attention inward to see what you can do—not what your spouse should do! 
The goal is to become a more loving person. The most cherished definition of love  is recorded by the Apostle Paul in the 13th chapter of Corinthians in the New Testament.

Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil…beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

when the satisfaction and security of another person becomes as significant to one as one’s own satisfaction and security.9 love is less a feeling and more a commitment to the growth of another person.10 Now note: In all three of these definitions, love is an action undertaken to benefit another person. Thus one of the keys to improving an intimate relationship is to give more and demand less from the partner.11 If you want to improve your marriage, you must be willing to improve yourself. To help you focus inward (at self) instead of outward (at your partner), I present three principles for your consideration.