Saturday, January 31, 2015

"DOES GOD EXPECT ALL OF US TO HAVE CHILDREN?"

It’s really not a matter of whether God “expects” us to have children, since He is sovereign and omniscient and knows who will and who won’t have children. The question is really one of whether or not having children is a requirement for Christians and whether or not we can have a fulfilled, obedient life in Christ without children.

The Bible does tell us that children are a blessing from God.Psalm 127:3-5says, “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” God blesses parents with years of enjoyment with their children that can hardly be compared to anything else. God declares that children are a blessing. But this does not mean that God withholds blessings from those without children. It simply means children are to be looked upon as a blessing, not an inconvenience.

There are times when God deliberately keeps someone from having children, no matter how desperately she wants them. Hannah longed for a child, but the Lord had “closed her womb” until such time as He saw fit to allow her to conceive Samuel, the Lord’s prophet (1 Samuel 1:1-2:21). Sarah, too, was forced to wait many years (she was 90!) before God blessed her with Isaac (Genesis 15:15-17;21:1-7). From these and many other examples, we can see that God is in sovereign control of all circumstances of life, including the birth of children.

Even though God has declared children to be a blessing from Him, there is nothing in the Bible that states every married couple must have children. Perhaps the best course of action for those who don’t want children, at least at the moment, is for the couple to examine their motives for their decision. Only the couple can say for sure whether their motives and attitudes are unacceptable in God’s sight. Selfish motives, for example, would certainly not be pleasing to Him. Neither would putting careers and the pursuit of worldly gain ahead of having a family be pleasing. The only way we can really displease God with our decision about children is by an ungodly attitude—not trusting Him to take care of our situation. We must place our faith in Him and rely on Him to guide us through all situations and decisions that arise in life.

If the question is whether or not to have children because of career dreams, the biblical answer is to put the family (including having children) before careers. A woman’s priority should be her home and family, although working outside the home is certainly acceptable, as long as home and family take precedence over outside pursuits. TheProverbs 31woman certainly had outside interests, including real estate and agriculture (vs. 16). But her home and family were always cared for in an exemplary fashion. She rose early, stayed up late and did whatever was necessary to see they were well-fed and well-clothed. She was a woman whose children and husband praised her. Taking her example, women are not to forgo having children merely to pursue a career.

In the end, the decision to have or not have children rests with the couple and God and is one that should be carefully and prayerfully considered, especially before a couple takes any irreversible steps to permanently prevent childbearing. There is no biblical injunction that requires anyone to have children, so although children are a gift from God, He can and does bless those who walk with Him by faith, whether or not they are parents.

WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR WIFE HER WAY

“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife provides many romantic gestures which go unnoticed by her husband, because it wasn’t romantic to him. The husband can spend precious time doing what he thinks will bless and romance his wife only to discover she didn’t appreciate it at all.

“What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The spouse is simply not romancing their spouse in a way that is romantic to them!

“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to them? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” 

Discuss this list with your wife. Ask her to check the ones meaningful to her, and then have her tell you the order she considers most important. Use this list to learn what speaks “love” to her. It’s likely very different from what speaks “love” to you. Your relationship can be strengthened by using this as a guideline —but keep in mind that these are onlySUGGESTIONS —not all or any of them have to be used, if they won’t work for your marriage.

(There’s also a list under the “Romantic Ideas” topic which gives wives  ideas, as well, titled "Ways Your Can Love Your Husband His Way"

1. Start and/or end each day by holding hands and praying together with your wife.
2. Pray for her every day and make it a point to pray with her when she is troubled.
3. Communicate with her instead of talking AT her or shutting her out emotionally.
4. Talk to her respectfully without demeaning her or hurting her feelings.
5. Compliment her for the giftedness you see in her. Be specific.
6. Show interest in her friends,and  if they are trustworthy, give her time to be with them.
7. Do something active together to lift her spirit —even taking a walk hand-in-hand.
8. Express to her that you need and value her.
9. Show enthusiasm for the things that she’s excited about—let your actions show it.
10. Find something that makes you laugh together.
11. Put your arms around her when she needs comfort, holding her silently.
12. Surprise her by doing something you think she would want done before she asks.
13. Try not to make sudden changes without discussing them with her first.
14. Show interest in that which she values as important in her life.
15. Allow your wife to teach you things without being defensive.
16. When you feel you must correct her, be gentle —speak the truth in LOVE.
17. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. 
18. Show her that she matters more to you than any one you could be with, that threatens her security in your marriage.
19. Be a good listener. Show her you value what she says.
20. Plan a mini-honeymoon, where the two of you can spend quality time together.
21. Go shopping with her and don’t sigh or look at what time it is even once.
22. Take her out to breakfast or make her breakfast (cleaning up afterward).
23. Make the time to set specific goals with her to achieve together for each year.
24. Give her grace when she offends you and forgive (even as you want to be forgiven).
25. Find ways to help her know you are her partner in all areas life.
26. Be polite, courteous, and mannerly with her—not taking her for granted.
27. Exhibit humility, admit your mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. She’ll appreciate that!
28. Defend her to others—especially to your family.
29. Don’t belittle her intelligence.
30. Scratch her back, rub her feet, or her rub her neck—whatever she’d prefer.
31. Get up in the middle of the night (let her stay in bed) to take care of your upset child.
32. Be especially helpful when she is not feeling well.
33. When she asks how your day went, don’t just say “fine” —actually give her details.
34. Thank God for her by name when the two of you are praying together.
35. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
36. Don’t embarrass her by arguing with her in front of others.
37. Lead your family in their spiritual relationship with God. This is important to her.
38. Make eye contact when she is talking to you and when you are talking with her.
39. Show her that you prefer her to others—give her your attention whenever possible.
40. Relate what happened at work or whatever you did apart from her.
41. Keep away from anything that gives you sexual gratification, other than your wife.
42. Be helpful, both before and during the time you have visitors in your home. (If you’re not sure of what to do, ask your wife “What can I do that would help the most?”)
43. Brag about her to others, both in front of her and when she is not with you.
44. Surprise her from time-to-time with a card and flowers or a little gift.
45. Remember to tell her or call her as soon as you know you are going to be late.
46. Give her your undivided attention when she wants to talk.
47. Guard your tongue from saying “unwholesome words” or down-grading her.
48. Refuse to compare her unfavorably with others.
49. Encourage her to relax in some way while you clean up after dinner.
50. Be an involved partner in helping with the children and spending time together.
51. Maintain good grooming habits so you look and smell good. It shows you care.
52. Be supportive. Help her to finish her education and goals that are important to her.
53. View and treat her as if God put a sign over her that said, “Make me feel special.”
54. Run errands without complaining.
55. Give her the love gift of being thoughtful and considerate to her relatives.
56. Don’t negatively compare her relatives with yours.
57. Sit close to her —even when you are just watching television.
58. Be verbally supportive and honor her in front of the children.
59. Do not making plans without her agreeing with them (unless it’s a surprise).
60. Pro-actively do things that makes her feel cherished as a woman and as a wife.
61. Keep her trust at all costs. Leave no gray area when it comes to other female relationships, money and your word.
62. Ask for a list of 3 things she’d like done in the home. Priortize to do them ASAP.
63. Ask her and then listen to what makes her fearful and insecure (without judging).
64. Pray about and act upon what you can do to alleviate those fears.
65. Find out what her sexual needs are (and then try to fulfill them).
66. Surprise her with a 15 second kiss (with no expectations to go any further).
67. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so she’s especially proud to be with you.
68. Make it a point to write a mission statement together for your marriage and family.
69. Take the time to touch every day—even if it’s only for a minute or two.
70. Be polite and kind. (Often we’re kinder to strangers than we are to our spouse.)
71. Be sensitive enough to ask her if you offend or hurt her sexually in any way.
72. Go out of your way to help her feel valued over everyone else.
73. Consider her as your marital partner in how you spend money.
74. You dated your wife before marriage, and fell in love. Date her now to STAY in love.
75. Be careful to choose your words, especially when angry.
76. Show affection for her in front of friends.
77. Make sure your children speak to her and treat her in respectful ways.
78. Make a point of honoring anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions.
79. Make sure she has money to spend any way she would choose.
80. Hold her close and verbally express your love when she is hurt or discouraged.
81. Surprise her by giving her a special gift from time to time.
82. Share the responsibilities around the house (without looking for special recognition).
83. Don’t tease and belittle her, saying “I was just joking” when she doesn’t find it funny.
84. Allow her to express herself freely, without fear of being called illogical or dumb.
85. Don’t forget to hold her hand in public like you used to when you dated her.
86. Don’t criticize her in front of others—keeping her dignity in tact.
87. Don’t focus on the physical features of another woman (It dishonors your wife).
88. Be sensitive to her needs—looking for ways to bless her.
89. Let her know you want to spend special time with her and the children.
90. Fix dinner for her sometimes.
91. Be sympathetic when she’s sick—and help her however you can.
92. Let her sleep in sometimes and you get the children ready for the day.
93. Honor her by not disagreeing with her in front of the children.
94. Don’t ignore the small things that bother her and let them build into bigger issues.
95. Surprise her by doing some things around the house that she’s wanted done.
96. Tell her (and show her) you love her often.
97. Call, email or text her when you’re apart so she knows you are thinking of her.
98. Surprise her by suggesting a marriage seminar or weekend retreat you can attend together.
99. Express your love and appreciation for her in a love note which you give to her.
100. Show her affection without sexual intentions.

WAYS YOU CAN LOVE YOUR HUSBAND HIS WAY

“A husband considers romance to be one way and the wife considers it to be another. The wife provides many romantic gestures which go unnoticed by her husband, because it wasn’t romantic to him. The husband can spend precious time doing what he thinks will bless and romance his wife only to discover she didn’t appreciate it at all.

“What is wrong? Are the gestures extended not romantic or thoughtful? No. Are the recipients ungrateful and self-absorbed? No. The spouse is simply not romancing their spouse in a way that is romantic to them!

“This is a great truth that once practiced is sure to produce lasting fruit. Study your spouse. Find out what romance means to them? It may surprise you! But if you do your homework you will become the master of what really turns your spouse on!” 

Discuss the following list with your husband. Ask him to check the ones most meaningful and then arrange them in order of importance to him. Use this list as a basis for learning his views. Your relationship can be greatly strengthened as you use the suggestions, which work for your marriage —but keep in mind that these are ONLY SUGGESTIONS —not all or any of them have to be used.

(If interested, there’s a list in the “Romantic Ideas” topic which gives husbands  ideas, titled,  Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way

1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. 
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. 
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. When confronting him, realize he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion, giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. The first minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. Try to make that time a positive experience. (Ease into the negative.)
17. Give him time to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable.
18. Don’t allow family members to treat him disrespectfully. Defend him to anyone that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to achieve together to feel closer as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Love protects (1 Cor. 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Keep conversations brief when he’s tired—so he isn’t “flooded” by too many words.
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. “Look straight into the eyes of your husband when he talks to you or if you’re speaking to him. This will make him feel that you are interested in what he wants to say.”
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him (you can go back to bed afterward, if possible —it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Participate in shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie and such) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead:“Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him—let him sleep in, bring him coffee, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind (despite your thinking he should— extend grace).
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff, when possible.
83. Put effort in to keep yourself in good shape so he’s especially proud to be with you.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you when you’re out together.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

"WHAT CAN WE LEARN FROM JESUS ’ FEEDING OF THE 5,000?"

 Aside from the resurrection, the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 is the only miracle recorded in all four Gospels. Obviously, the Gospel writers considered this a significant miracle. When Christ fed the masses that day, He began with only “five barley loaves and two fish,” borrowed from a boy’s lunch (John 6:9). To feed 5,000 people with five loaves and two fish is indeed miraculous, but the Greek term used inMatthew 14:21specifies males, and Matthew further emphasizes the point by adding, “Besides women and children.” Many Bible scholars believe the actual number fed that day could have been 15,000—20,000 people.

Jesus’ disciples had wanted to send the people away because evening was approaching and they were in a remote place (Matthew 14:15). They knew the people needed to reach surrounding villages soon to buy food, find lodging, etc., or they would likely go hungry (Mark 6:36). But Christ had a better idea: “You give them something to eat” (Matthew 14:16). At this point, the disciples should have recalled the many miracles they had seen Jesus do. Perhaps some of them did, but Andrew asked, “What are [five loaves and two fish] for so many?” (John 6:9). And Philip exclaimed, ““It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!” (verse 7).

Jesus called for the bread and fish to be brought to Him (Matthew 14:18). He then gave thanks for the meal, broke the bread, and gave it to His disciples to give to the crowd. Amazingly, the entire multitude was fed with that small meal. Jesus provided “as much as they wanted” (John 6:11), and “they all ate and were satisfied” (Matthew 14:20). Christ did not just meet the need; He lavished them with so much food that there were “twelve baskets full of broken pieces and of the fish” left over (Mark 6:43).

God will shatter the pint-sized expectations of what His followers can do if they would learn to bring Him what they have already been given. “Little is much when God is in it.” When Christians are willing to offer their lives sacrificially, relinquishing their hold on whatever God has given them in terms of time, money, talents, etc., God will use these ordinary things to create extraordinary things. Christians must never believe their resources are too little to serve God. God delights in taking a humble, seemingly insignificant person and using him or her for His glory (see 1 Corinthians 1:27).

Philip’s mind immediately ran to the cost of the project. He quickly calculated how many man-hours of work it would take to feed all those people; he saw the task as impossible because he approached it as if everything depended on his own work. Jesus’ approach was different. Jesus bypassed all human effort and did the impossible. It’s “‘not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty” (Zechariah 4:6).

It is noteworthy that Jesus fed the people through the agency of His disciples. He could have simply snapped His fingers and caused everyone present to have a meal, but He didn’t. Instead, He “gave . . . to his disciples to distribute to the people” (Mark 6:41). In this way, the disciples had to trust the Lord for everything they distributed. They could only give as they received. Philip, Andrew, and the rest were put in a position of total dependence upon the Lord for the supply. God still uses people the same way today.

Christians should also be reminded that their problems are never too large (the “many” of John 6:9) for God to handle. Surely, Andrew was wondering, “What good are we going to do with only five loaves and two fish?” Of course, theoretically, believers know God can easily multiply whatever He wants, to feed as many people as He wants—He is God. The problem comes when we are faced with a practical outworking of the theory; we tend to doubt that God willwant to meet ourneed.

There is a foreshadowing of Christ’s miracle in the life of Elisha in 2 Kings. Elisha told his servant to feed the people gathered there, although there was not enough food for the hundred men. One of the men said, “How can I set this before a hundred men?”(2 Kings 4:42–43) In the end, however, the men not only had enough to eat, but “they ate and had some left” (2 Kings 4:44). Isn’t that just like God? He says He will do more than provide for His people; He will give an abundance (Psalm 132:15).

Christians must bring their lives to God in a spirit of obedience and sacrifice, no matter how insignificant they may think their gifts or talents are (Romans 12:1). When doing so, expect God to do far beyond what can be imagined (Ephesians 3:20). Also, Christians should trust that God not only wants to meet the needs of His children, but He wants to lavish His children with spiritual blessings, even to overflowing (Psalm 23:5).

Sunday, January 25, 2015

GOOD SIGNS YOU ’RE IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP

It’s not always where you are in life,
but who you have by your side that matters.

“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”

“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”

Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well.  So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:

1.  No games are being played.

Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be.  The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution.  Stop running!  Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.

And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.

2.  Everyone is on the same page.

If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship.  If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward.  The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want.  Don’t beat around the bush.  If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway.

3.  The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.

You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations.  It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.

Listen without defending and speak without offending.  Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.  Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues.  So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always.  

4.  Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.

Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis.  Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care.  Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.

Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t.  If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.  It’s as simple as that.  And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.

5.  Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.

Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.

Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Give them a chance to show you.  When you stop expecting the people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are.  What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.

6.  Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.

Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.

So open yourself up.  BE with the person you love.  Allow yourself to experience them authentically.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.  This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being.  

7.  There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.

Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us.  We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave.  And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship.  In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist.  Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.

Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork.  And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway.  You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them.  It really is a full circle.  The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.

And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time.  You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that.  So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa.  It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less.

8.  Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.

It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in.  When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself.  In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.

When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad.  No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.  

9.  Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.

Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.  So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you.  If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else.

You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it.  Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people.  It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you.  You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.

The floor is yours…

In your experience, what are some good signs you’re in the right relationship?  Any other relationship tips you’d like to share?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts

Saturday, January 24, 2015

MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE DURING SEX

When it comes to a couple’s sex life, there are many things that will cause it to ebb and flow. Everyday stresses with work, kids, schedules, and household tasks are bound to take its toll on sex. With all the things that can preclude intimate moments together with your lover, let’s tackle some of the issues that may come up during the encounters.

Last week I took on my own gender and the mistakes men can make during sex. Now it’s the ladies turn.

And another word of warning, this post continues the “gutsy” approach to the topic by addressing things honestly. Adults only please.

1. Trading in hot momma for mommy. Motherhood does not make you celibate. Unless that is your conscious choice. While the rigors of being a mom can impact your sexual desires, it most likely doesn’t extinguish it. You need to nurture your sex life. Leave him and yourself little notes to discover during the day. Wear something sexy under your normal childcare uniform or business attire. Do something that helps you remember you are a sexual goddess.

Research has found that a happy and healthy marriage is the best thing you can do for your children.

2. Unresponsiveness in the sack. Sex with a corpse is not a good thing. Don’t just lie there. Get involved. Move. Make some noise. If sex isn’t pleasurable for you, what’s missing? Try different positions, or locations throughout the house. Whatever ignites things for you.

3. Not speaking up or being direct. Similar to men, women can fall victim to the idea that your partner will know or sense what’s going on with you. If something is going on you don’t enjoy, speak up. While it may dampen the mood, when you’re honest and communicate your needs, you get the chance to experience even more during sex together.Also, if he inquires about sex, be honest. There’s a big difference between saying flat out “no” and “not at the moment, but I could be enticed.”

4. Not owning your own body.What most men find as a lasting turn-on more than anything is how a woman carries herself. Her confidence. If you are always down on your body, you can do something about it by working out if you want. But one thing you can for sure do is learn to embrace the skin you’re in. Walk around naked. Have sex with the lights on. When you own your own body, you can flaunt one of your biggest assets, you!

5. Forgetting your feminine side. There are many roles women have thrust upon them today. Caretaker, mother, business woman, boss, manager, chauffeur, nurturer. One of the main roles sometimes lost in our society is that of Eve. The last of God’s creations! The manifestation of God’s beauty! Women are beautifully and wonderfully made. Don’t forget that Eve is the beauty in the story of life. Carry yourself as such, and don’t settle for being seen as less.

6. Insecurity towards other women. Similar to not owning your own body, being constantly threatened by other women is not attractive. Remember your husband chose you, so focus your energies on keeping his eyes on you. Learn to seduce him, tease him, tempt him.

7. Fear of your erotic nature.Many women may fear if they are erotic, they’ll come across as slutty or cheap. That may be just what he wants at times! Have the courage to let go once in a while. Be erotic. Play to his visual nature. Make him notice you. Get on top during sex. Take charge. As the Usher song states, be “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.”

A common thought is that men are led by two brains. Don’t forget about his northern brain.

8. Not going down. There are some couples who fear oral sex. If you don’t like going down on your husband and he wants you to, have you talked about it? Share your thoughts, listen to his. Are there other things you could do? Sure there are, but blindly hoping they happen usually isn’t good for both of you. Speak up.

Incidentally, if you do go down, no teeth please!

9. Failure to initiate. The number one complaint I hear from men is this issue of their wife not initiating sexual encounters. Perhaps this is due to some of the other points previously made, or something different. When you’re interested in sex, let it be known. Even if he’s at work, send him an email disclosing what’s on your mind.

10. Slow down. Just like the advice for the men, slow down. Take your time together. Enjoy the moments you have together

5 MISTAKES MEN MAKE IN BED

There are a lot of misconceptions about sex and sexuality, particularly when it comes to women. Understandably, men might be confused, and end up misinformed about how to please their female partners.

Many women endure unsatisfying sex lives without speaking up. And, in fairness to all the great men out there, if women don't start talking, how are men supposed to know what to do?

I know there are many great lovers out there and there are no rules that apply to everyone. But there are some basic ground rules that apply to most women.

So, just in case you may or may not know, here are the top five mistakes men make in bed - and what you can do differently:

1. Assuming that women do not have the same sex drive as men.Don't believe for a minute that women don't like sex or want sex as much as men. While there are certainly individual differences with both genders, women love sex and want sex.

Here’s the thing: They just don't want bad sex.

So if your girlfriend or wife is turning you down, the first thing to ask is how can you make it better for her, not how you can get her to take better care of satisfying your sexual needs.

2. Heading straight for her genitals. A woman enjoys the pleasure of her entire body being touched and caressed. She enjoys being kissed and seduced. She especially enjoys feeling the anticipation of finally arriving "down there." Take the time to work your way slowly down a woman's entire body.

By the time you reach her clitoris, she will be in heaven. Don't rush foreplay. Make sure you enjoy the journey as well; a woman knows when her man loves and appreciates every inch of her body. Nothing turns on a woman more than knowing her man is turned on by touching, caressing and kissing her everywhere.

 3. Treating her clitoris like a penis. A woman's body is different from that of a man – okay, I know you know THAT. But here’s the deal, chuckles - don't try to treat her genitals like you treat your own. Find out what kinds of touch feel best. Take your time so she does not feel rushed. Don't move on to intercourse too quickly.

Most women enjoy orgasms via clitoral stimulation before vaginal penetration. Of course, that does not mean a woman can't enjoy another orgasm during intercourse — but remember, every woman is different — some have vaginal orgasms and some don't.

For more on how to give all types of women great sexual experiences, check out my audio program “Sex and Seduction – The Perfect Date Volume 2.”  It’s full of moves, tips and secrets, and includes advice from females.

4. Beginning and ending foreplay as quickly as possible in the bedroom. Foreplay goes on 24/7 for a woman. The more attentive you are to her overall, the more connected she feels. The more connected she feels, the more responsive she will be to sexual advances.

So if your mate is tired from a long day and you are in the mood for sex, run a nice hot bath for her, put the kids to bed and I promise, that tired "leave me alone" mood will shift. Nurturing your woman is the best aphrodisiac you can find. Be a great partner to your mate and your mate will be a great lover in return.

5. Doing sex "your way." Most men take the lead in sexual encounters. And for some, even when a woman does take the initiative to do sex differently (her way), she is redirected to how he wants it. Sometimes this can be a match and sometimes it is not. Don't assume just because you saw a woman moan on a porn site that this is what your woman will enjoy.

Women don't want to feel like they have to look and act like porn stars. They may love what you love and they may prefer something different. Women tend to have their own preferences on how they like to have sex. Make sure you find out what pleases your mate.

Let her run the show from time to time. Make sure her needs are being met. Create a safe space from which to try different things and create an intimate connection. Hot sex, tender sex and anything in-between is all great sex when it comes from a place of love and intimacy.

Monday, January 19, 2015

WHY IS FINDING TRUE LOVE IS SO DIFFICULT?

We all have a desire to love and be loved. We experience different levels of love from parents, siblings, friends, and others. But most of us also want to find that special someone we can share a deeper level of love with. Finding true love can seem incredibly difficult, and it’s often hard to understand why. A big question to consider first is, “what is my definition of true love?” Understanding what we mean by “true love” can help us see what we’re really seeking and why or why not it’s working.

The world tosses around the word love very loosely. Love is often associated with intense feelings that, in truth, are self-centered and noncommittal. In so many movies and TV shows, we see characters who follow their hormones and have sex before marriage. When “love” is shallowly rooted in pleasant emotions or physical feelings, it turns off as easily as it was turned on. Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experience good emotions toward the person we love; however, if that is the foundation of the relationship, the relationship is in trouble. If the kind of “love” we see demonstrated in today’s sex-saturated culture is what we’re looking for, no wonder it seems difficult to find; it’s not true love we’re after but an experience that, by nature, can’t last for long.

The Bible gives a much different picture of love. True love is of God—in fact, Heislove (1 John 4:8)—and He’s the One who put the need to love and be loved in us. Therefore, understanding His design for love is crucial. True love, according to the Bible, is rooted in sacrifice, commitment, and an impulse to benefit the loved one (see John 15:3). God’s love for us took Him to the cross. We know for certain that Jesus was not experiencing “happy” emotions on His way to the cross (Luke 22:42–44). The Bible describes our relationship to Jesus as that of a bride and bridegroom (Matthew 9:15; Ephesians 5:32). True romantic love is designed to lead to and grow within a marriage commitment (Genesis 2:24) and should be rooted in sacrifice (Ephesians 5:22, 25–28).

Any number of things could make finding true love, according to God’s design, difficult. Here we will focus on a few big obstacles that we face:

Thinking there is only one “right” person for us. This is a lie that can keep us fearful that we’re settling for less than the best. Waiting for one’s perfect “soul mate” to show up can be a long wait. Whomever we choose to marry becomes the “right” one for us, because we’ve made a lifetime commitment to that person. The Bible has narrowed the field: our true love must be a believer who is living for the Lord (2 Corinthians 6:14–15); beyond that, God will provide wisdom and discernment (James 1:5). Wise, godly people who know us well can also provide guidance in finding true love.

Thinking that a person will or can fulfill us. Only God can truly fulfill us, so we don’t have to find romantic love to have a sense of fulfillment! None of us are perfect, and to expect another imperfect human being to meet every need is unrealistic, unhealthy, and can only lead to disappointment.

Not being willing to change or grow. It’s easy to imagine the kind of person we would love to be in love with, but how much effort do we expend in becoming that kind of person ourselves? We all have our own issues that we must address with God’s help in order to be the kind of people He desires us to be. It can be tempting to think that finding true love will magically solve those issues. But being in a close relationship with someone will not fix our problems; it is more likely to expose them more. This can be a rewarding part of the relationship, as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), if we are willing to change and grow. If we’re unwilling to change, the relationship will be strained and could eventually be destroyed. This does not mean that every personal issue must be dealt with before we get married. Rather, we should get into the practice of asking God to show us what things need to be cleaned out of our lives (Psalm 139:23). As we become the people God wants us to be, we will be better suited for whatever relationships are in store.

Thinking it’s too late to find true love. Finding true love and getting married is an important step and not to be taken lightly. A cautious step is better than a quick and reckless one. Three times, the Song of Solomon warns, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of Solomon 2:7; 3:5; 8:4). God’s timing is always best.

We know that God cares about our desire to find true love. When we fully surrender that desire to Him, we release the burden of trying to make true love happen ourselves (Matthew 11:29–30).

Love is an essential quality of God, and He shows us in the Bible how real, true love works. Redefining love or trying to find it outside of God’s design is asking for frustration and disillusionment. Surrendering our desires to God, submitting to His will, and finding our fulfillment in Him are the keys to finding true love. “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

Sunday, January 18, 2015

HOW TO LOVE A WOMAN. WAYS FOR MEN TO LOVE

Men seek comfort, confirmation that they are ok. Most men are, at heart, uncertain about themselves. Men want answers to many questions, an important one is “How to love a woman?”

Do you know what love is? You form a relationship and get married to affirm your place in the world. You learn, you think, how to treat a woman, how to be with her. You call that love. But ultimately it doesn’t seem to work. You wonder where love went.

Perhaps it was never really love in the first place, perhaps it was an attempt to feel the comfort you found with your mother. A man’s wife, girlfriend or partner is not his mother. The love you need to show her is of a totally different kind. It’s critical that you understand this in learning how to love a woman. SeeMen Who Can’t Love for a view on why you might find it difficult to love your woman.

Here are 10 ways to access this love and create an amazing relationship, how to love a woman:1. Start by loving yourself

If you are unable to love yourself, you are unable to love someone else.

This is something that men, particularly, have trouble with. You might respect yourself, think you are absolutely amazing, but loving yourself, that’s a bit sissy.

No it’s not, it’s the basis of life and the basis of a balanced personality. If you have a troubled relationship you should look, first of all, to yourself, this is often where the trouble lies.

2. Tell her you love her

This is lesson two of how to love a woman

This means saying the words so she completely understands and is in no doubt about it. You love her. She needs you to say this all the time and she needs you to volunteer it, not say it in reply to her questioning.

The worst thing you can say is, “You know I do.” She doesn’t, that’s why she’s asking… Duh…

3. Just love her for herself

Your love is not conditional, it is not based on any special qualities. You love her.

Women have qualities we love in them, perhaps they’re smart, or sexy, or inspirational, or funny, or even rich. This is not why you love her, you love her just because of her, nothing else.

Even though you celebrate everything that she is, even though you worship her for what she does in the world, she needs to know that you simply love her, no matter what. This is so crucial.

4. Live in your power

Whilst a man in love is an emotional being he must not stop being the man he is.

Your love should come from the power inside yourself, from your very soul. The love must be part of your power as a man and it must be part of how you live.

You must remain just who you are, you must be the man she met and fell in love with.

She finds excitement in your masculine strength, particularly when it laced with love. Don’t ever let her down.

5. Don’t live in the past

Never dwell on the past and use it to judge your woman.

Life does not always treat us well and we certainly don’t always treat life well. Things go wrong and we mess up. Strife in our loving relationship is something to let go of once it’s over, it’s something to let slip into the past.

We must learn the lessons and move on ensuring that we don’t go there again. Move on and live, always, in the present.

6. Get to know her

How often do you say, “My wife doesn’t understand me.” What you really mean is, “I don’t understand my wife.”

Love can only grow and deepen through understanding. You can never get to the point where you think you know everything about her, no woman is that simple. She is a complex person that even she doesn’t understand.

You need to love her and get to know her with patience and determination.

7. Count your blessings

Count the blessings you have together, the things you have achieved together, all that you are as a couple.

This should be a regular part of your life together. While I said, above, don’t live in the past, it’s ok to recount the great things in the past. This must be tempered with looking at the amazing things you are going to do in the future.

As a rule of thumb it is advisable to expect a future way beyond one that you can imagine. Expectations can lead to frustration if they limit you, expecting them to go way beyond is a good step into the future.

8. Give love, always

Love is about giving rather than receiving.

Love is a creative force that grows out of the desire to give more than you receive.

It is crucial that you are able to receive the love that is offerred to you otherwise it quickly dies, but you have to focus on the contribution you make to her.

“Give and you shall receive”, but give without expecting anything in return.

9. Pay attention to her

Women need attention all the time.

It is absolutely vital that you understand this. Many of the annoying habits that women have are merely attempts to get your attention. Take heed of them and pay attention.

Men are focused and directed and can easily lose themselves in what they are doing. This is one of the qualities that many women love in their men, but not to the exclusion of them.

You need to find a balance that shows how important your woman is to you without losing your passion for your mission.

10. Start afresh each day

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship.

Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

This refreshing of your love will keep it alive and bring you closer to each other. Through this your love will deepen and become an essential part of everyday you spend together.

So what is love… really?

It’s an overwhelming emotion you have about another person, an emotion that you can’t truly explain but you can’t get rid of.

It makes you want to be with that person, hold them, touch them, have sex with them. It shows itself as an exchange of energy, a polarity, that excites your soul.

Love makes you feel great and totally transforms life. Love is worship of the other person, the woman who is divine for you.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

FACTORS AFFECTING ORGASM IN WOMEN

 Approximately 25% of women have difficulty achieving orgasm or have never experienced one, and even for women who are orgasmic, the frequency is only around 50-70% of the time.  Other researchers found that most women do not routinely (and some never) experience orgasm during sexual intercourse.

There are a number of physiological factors that can inhibit a woman’s sexual desire and her ability to reach climax: hormone imbalance, low testosterone, medications such as anti-depressants, her anatomy (the distance between the clitoris and the vagina), and, of course, partner issues. These can include the partner’s lack of appeal or insensitivity, and, in relation to a male partner, insufficient knowledge of the female body and premature ejaculation. To make matters worse, focusing on having a climax creates pressure in a woman that runs counter to sexual arousal; telling herself to “relax” simply doesn’t work.

Many developmental issues also affect women’s sexuality: Parents’ intrusiveness, emotional hunger, withholding of affection, indifference, hostility and intolerance of being loved leave lasting scars on their offspring. Women react to the resultant emotional pain by developing a poor self-concept or body image, distrust of their partner and other protective and pseudo-independentdefenses that, in turn, predispose alienation in their relationships. Basically insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment patterns they developed in childhood persist into adult life and strongly influence numerous aspects of sexual relating.

In this blog, we focus on seven psychological factors that tend to negatively impact a woman’s sexual desire, arousal and orgasmic capacity.  The list is not meant to exhaust all possible psychological issues; however, in our clinical experience, we have found these to be fundamental and understanding them to be useful in helping women achieve richer, more satisfying sexual lives.

1. Critical thoughts toward one’s body: Many women experience intrusive thoughts or critical inner voices about their body that interrupt the smooth progression of sexual excitement that typifies the arousal cycle of approaching orgasm.  They can have self-conscious thoughts about their breasts: Your breasts are small. They’re not like other women’s breasts. Your breasts are misshapen. Or they may have negative thoughts about their genitals. Your vagina is too large. You’re too dry. You’re not clean, so don’t have oral sex.

Many women have internalized their parents’ negative attitudes toward bodily functions during toilet training, thereby developing images of their bodies and sexuality as dirty. In particular, the genital area becomes imbued with an anal connotation and is confused with excretory functions. Women’s shameful feelings about this area are extended to anything below the waist, (including menstruation) and they end up feeling dirty or contaminated in a manner that can interfere with their becoming aroused or achieving orgasm. When women have negative thoughts about different parts of their bodies they find it difficult to take pleasure in being touched in those specific areas. If they feel critical about their body image in general, it is more difficult for them to fully enjoy sex.

2. Perceiving sex as immoral or bad: Many women have acquired distorted views about sex early in life during the process of socialization. In general, parents’ negative attitudes toward nudity, masturbation and sex play have a powerful influence on both male and female children’s feelings about sexuality and the sex act. As a result, people typically grow up viewing some sex acts as acceptable and clean, and others as dirty and bad. In addition, some religions, especially rigid belief systems, perceive sex as an expression of the baser or sinful nature of human beings. When women take on these attitudes, they tend to see sex as forbidden, shameful and bad. They feel guilty about wanting, seeking or experiencing pleasure in lovemaking, and expect negative consequences or actual punishment.

3. Guilt about breaking the mother-daughter bond with a mother who is sexually repressed: As explained in Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships“Girls learn by observation and imitation to be like the mother and feel strange or uncomfortable when they are different from their role model.” Therefore, when a mother is held back sexually, it is very difficult for her daughter to go beyond her in terms of enjoying sexual fulfillment in her adult relationship. A woman’s guilt and fear in relation to surpassing her mother in this area are often transferred to other women in her life. Because of these feelings, women are often afraid of standing out from their peers as mature, sexual women.

4. Fear of arousing repressed sadness: For many women, feelings of sadness related to emotional pain in childhood surface during a sexual experience, especially when sexuality is combined with emotional intimacy. For women who were mistreated or rejected early in life and feel unlovable, the contrast of being loved, pleasured, and sexually fulfilled brings out deep and painful emotional responses.  When women try to hold back their sad feelings, they become cut off from themselves, both emotionally and physically, and removed from the sexual interaction.

 “a close sexual experience can also cause individuals to become acutely conscious of their existence. They experience a heightened awareness of themselves and the value of their lives. Paradoxically, these uniquely positive feelings come with a price–the special appreciation of life makes them aware of deep and painful sadness that their lives are terminal.” For this reason, many women pull back after an especially intimate encounter.

5. Fear of being vulnerable “Accepting love leads to a feeling of increased vulnerability and challenges aspects of the negative identity formed in the family of origin.”  A woman may enjoy casual sexual encounters, but “as a relationship becomes more meaningful and intimate, being loved and positively acknowledged can threaten to disrupt one’s psychological equilibrium by piercing core defenses.” Depending on another person to satisfy one’s wants and needs breaks into the defensive posture of being self-sufficient and pseudo-independent. Being open and receptive to another person threatens an inward, isolated, self-soothing way of protecting one’s self from emotional hurt. Combining sex and love leads to a sense of vulnerability and is anxiety provoking because many women and men are afraid of being completely committed to a significant other, especially if they have been previously hurt emotionally.

6. Fear of arousing repressed memories of abuse and trauma:Being close sexually to a partner and freely experiencing orgasm tend to trigger unwanted memories in women whose histories include sexual abuse or molestation.  Estimates are that one out of three to four women were abused sexually or experienced some type of inappropriate sexual contact with a relative or stranger before they were 18. In these cases, being sexual can be unconsciously associated with the abuser, particularly when the abuser is a family member, and sex becomes guilt provoking, tinged with emotional pain, and unacceptable in the woman’s mind. Any similarity between her partner and the family member increases the probability that these memories will emerge.

7. Fear of loss of control: Women who rely heavily upon maintaining control as a self-protective defense mechanism are prone to be resistive to a freely expressive sexual encounter. This can show up in an overall fear of losing control or in more specific fears, such as fears of making noise or moving, or even fears of urinating or defecating when letting go. Control is related to existential issues of life and death. Faced with issues of death anxiety, people tend to detach themselves from their animal nature and disconnect from a body that they know is mortal. This dissociation can inhibit feeling pleasurable responses in the here and now interaction during sex.

Conclusion

In the final chapter of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships I wrote, “It is valuable for men and women to develop a compassionate understanding of themselves and how they function in an intimate relationship. It also is important that they come to realize that their problems in relating sexually and being close emotionally are not unusual in our culture.” My associates and I have found that many women have been able to overcome their fears and sexual inhibitions by becoming familiar with and working through the 7 factors noted in this article.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I CANNOT DECIDE WHO I SHOULD BE DATING?

The Bible does not specifically address this topic, but it does give us insight into what we should seek in a potential spouse. The first, and best, advice is to pray about it. God will give wisdom and guidance if you ask for it. “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). The first question to ask is, whether the potential spouse is devoted to God. If he/she is not, they should not be considered for a potential spouse. On the other hand, just because one follows Christ, does not make them the right choice. Being “equally yoked” can also go deeper than just “Is he/she a Christian?” There are many different beliefs in Christianity, and this should be taken into account when choosing a potential spouse. Consider what marriage would be like with this person. Are your beliefs close enough to the same that you can agree to teach your children the same doctrines? This is of the greatest importance.

For men, it’s important to look at what a Christian wife is supposed to be. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-24). Paul tells us that a wife is to be submissive to her husband, out of love. This does not necessarily mean that the girl you are considering a relationship with should submit wholly to you, but rather she should not be rebellious, but should submit herself to her father out of love. She should be willing to be led. Proverbs 31:10-31 tells us what the “wife of noble character” is like. She is hard working, generous and charitable, strong, and wise. You may not be able to find all of these traits in one person, but these are desirable traits and pleasing to God.

Another scripture describing a wife that is pleasing to God is 1 Peter 3:1-4: “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” This tells us that a woman should be pure and living for Christ so that they can win a lost husband over without words. It also indicates that she should not be as concerned about outward appearances as she is about her spiritual life.

For women, there are a few illustrations of what a Christian husband is to be. Although the person you are considering a relationship with is not your husband, you should look for qualities that display this kind of love in the person. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-27). Is he loving? Is he willing to lead people toward Christ, and help them to be holy and blameless? Is he a leader? A man should love God above all else and be willing to help his brothers and sisters in Christ to strive to be holy and pleasing to God. He should be humble, wise, and merciful, just as Christ was. Watch for these qualities in a man, because this is what is pleasing to God.

You will not find a “perfect” person with all of these qualities, but God will let you see if someone you are considering a relationship with is striving to be pleasing to Him. Just as with any other big decision in life, relationships should be treated with caution, wisdom, and handled with discernment and much prayer.

WHAT IS THE CHRISTIANITY VIEW OF ENGAGEMENT?

In the Bible, there were three steps the Jewish people had to take when getting married. The families first had to agree to the union, and then a public announcement was made. At this point, the couple was betrothed, or engaged. Finally, they were officially married and began to live together. Betrothal, then, was somewhat similar to what we call engagement now, except that our society does not honor the seriousness of engagement as they did then. When a Jewish couple was betrothed during Bible times, they were already bound together by a contract that could only be broken through death or divorce.

Any Christian who is considering marriage needs to realize the depth of this kind of commitment and not jump into it lightly. God intends marriage to be a lifelong commitment, not a temporary arrangement. The Bible says this about marriage: "'This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.' Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together" (Mark 10:7-9, NLT).

Christians need to make sure they have a clear understanding of the person they may marry before becoming engaged. The Bible says that Christians cannot team up with and live in harmony with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). A Christian teaming up with an unbeliever almost guarantees that the Christian will be pulled away from Christ because, as the Bible says, "bad company corrupts good character" (1 Corinthians 15:33). The only way to have a God-honoring, stable foundation for a marriage is to be firmly grounded in one's faith and make sure that the potential partner is equally dedicated to God.

Christians should live their lives with God in the driver's seat, so to speak. He wants to be a part of every aspect of our lives, including whom we marry. Having a clear understanding of God's Word and developing a personal relationship with Him through prayer and yielding to the direction of the Holy Spirit is the first and most important step in determining His will for us. The world's advice on dating and engagement should only be considered in light of God's truths in Scripture. If we seek His will in all we do, He will direct our paths (Proverbs 3:5-6).

WHY IS SEXUAL TEMPTATION A BIGGER PROBLEM FOR MEN THAN FOR WOMEN?

While women are by no means immune from sexual temptation, men struggle with sexual temptation to a much greater degree. Far more men commit adultery than women. In premarital relationships, men are far more likely to seek sex from their partners than women. This is perhaps hinted at in Matthew 5:28, which refers exclusively to men lusting after women. While lust is sinful for both men and women, the fact that the passage only speaks of men committing “heart adultery” implies that sexual temptation is primarily a male problem.

Why is this? Why is sexual temptation a bigger problem for men than for women? The Bible does not seek to answer this “why” question. Instead, the Bible makes it abundantly clear that sexual immorality is always a sin (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The fact that overcoming sexual temptation is more difficult for men is definitely not an excuse. “It is so hard to resist” is not an explanation God will accept from a man, or from a woman for that matter. Again, sexual immorality is always a sin. Therefore, sexual temptation is to be overcome (1 Corinthians 6:18), whether the temptation is strong or mild, and whether the person tempted is a man or a woman.

Since the Bible does not specifically give an answer as to why sexual temptation is a greater struggle for men than for women, we can look to biology/physiology for insight. Physiologically, men typically have a much stronger sex drive than women. Men naturally think about sex more often and desire sex more frequently than women do. Especially when sexual intercourse has not occurred recently, the male body has a greater desire for the release that sex provides. This is then compounded by the fact that men are far more easily stimulated by sight than women are (which also explains why men are far more prone to look at pornography). Simply the sight of an attractive female is sometimes enough to trigger a male’s sex drive. If a sexual thought is not immediately forsaken (with God’s help), it can become a cascading river of sexual temptation, very difficult to resist.

Again, let it be said, the male sex drive is a fact, not an excuse. If a man gives in to sexual temptation, he has no one to blame but himself. First Corinthians 10:13 declares, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” If we do not take advantage of the divinely provided “way of escape,” we are without excuse. Sexual temptation can be powerful, and sexual sin is among the most devastating (1 Corinthians 6:18). But, with God’s help, sexual temptation can be defeated. This is equally true for men and women.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

STORM WARNING (MATTHEW 7:24–29)

I want you to stop and think about the house that you live in. If I asked you to describe your house to me, you would most likely tell me about the location, the color, the design, the square footage, the size of the lot, and the number of bedrooms. But you probably wouldn’t tell me about the foundation. Perhaps you don’t know anything about your foundation. Yet, it is the foundation of your house that makes all the difference. 

Prov 24:3 states, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.”1 This is true not only of your house; it is also true of your life.

 
In Matthew 7:24–27,2 Jesus tells a parable3that compares and contrasts two builders: one wise and one foolish.4 He emphasizes how critical it is to have a strong foundation. The use of a building metaphor should not surprise us; Jesus was a carpenter. As part of the firm of Joseph and Sons in Nazareth, He had built the furniture that people put into their homes and He had probably built some of the homes as well. Jesus knew the difference between a solid house and a shoddy one.5 However, this story is not just for architects, carpenters, and contractors. It is for you and me. Building a house is simply an analogy for building a life. The point is this: You are building a life and the foundation you choose is the most important feature of your life. In the verses that follow, Jesus provides two options for building your life.

1. Build your life on the strong foundation(7:24–25). Jesus says, “The only way to build a strong foundation is by obeying His words.” He begins His parable in 7:24 with the word“therefore,” which looks back to the entire Sermon on the Mount.6 In light of His teachings, Jesus says, “Everyone who hears these words of Mine7 and acts on them, may be compared to a wise8 man who built his house on the rock.”9 By using the word “everyone” (cf. 7:26), Jesus reveals that His words are intended for all people for all time. He begins by stating that you must “hear” His words. In order to do so you must expose yourself to the truth. You can do this by reading the Bible, by reading Christian books, by attending worship, by getting involved in classes and small groups, and by meeting with Christian friends who can teach you. While this may sound daunting and tedious, this is what you do in every other area of your life, right? If you want to learn a skill or profession you must seek out the necessary information. An athlete listens to coaches and more experienced players. A craftsman becomes an apprentice to learn from those who are more experienced. A student teacher learns from a teacher in a classroom environment. In each of these cases, it is essential to not just hear the truth but to listen to the truth. Anyone who is married knows that there is a difference. Anyone who has a teenager knows that there is a difference between hearing and listening. The key to listening is to interact with the one doing the speaking. The best listeners I know are people who ask lots of clarifying questions such as: “What do you mean?” “Are you saying...?” “Can you explain that further?” These questions show that a person is listening. We should ask clarifying questions when interacting with Christ’s words. Is God warning me of something? Do I need to repent? Is this a promise that I can claim or a command I need to obey?

Jesus urges you to hear His words, but He doesn’t stop there. He goes on to say that you must act upon His words. If you are going to build on a solid foundation you must actually DO what Jesus wants you to do. Hearing His words is not enough. You are building your life on His words ONLY as you obey them (see Jas 1:22).10 Let me explain: I have heard that vegetables are good for you. I believe this is true. I have even prayed that the Lord would change my taste buds and give me a desire for vegetables. Yet, I rarely obey what I know to be true by eating veggies. Oh, that analogy doesn’t work for you? How about this: Do you floss on a daily basis? Why not? You know how to floss, right? You’ve seen the charts at the dentist’s office and you’ve purchased your top-of-the-line, mint-flavored floss in its fancy holder, right? You make a commitment that you will floss every day. But after a week you stop flossing. You don’t floss because you don’t really believe that your teeth will rot and fall out.

In the same way, you can hear all of Jesus’ words and know them like the back of your hand, but if you don’t do what He says, you aren’t building on the right foundation.11Fortunately, you are likely seeking to obey Jesus’ teaching. You have made a commitment to obey His words.12 Even though your marriage is a mess and others encourage you to find happiness and divorce your spouse, you remain faithful to your spouse and to the Lord. When your finances have been especially tight and you’ve been tempted to not give to the Lord, instead you trust the Lord and give in obedience. In an impure world that glorifies immorality, you choose to abstain on a daily basis. When your children challenge your parental authority, you continue to persevere, loving them and sharing God’s Word with them. When you have been the victim of gossip and slander and your flesh rises up to take revenge, you choose to forgive. When there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day, you still find a way to serve Christ’s church and people in your community. As your pastor, I know who many of you are. But more importantly, God knows who you are.

In 7:25, you will discover why it’s so critical to build on the strong foundation. Jesus says,“And the rain fell, and the floods came,13and the winds blew and slammed against that house;14 and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.” Jesus doesn’t pull any punches. Just look at the word “and” in 7:25. Jesus does not say “if the rain falls” or “if the floods come” or “if the winds blow.” He says, “And the rain fell, and the floods came,and the winds blew and slammed against that house” (italics mine). Jesus tells you straight-up that storms will come and you will not be spared! And if you’ve walked with Christ for any length of time, you’ve observed that people who hear and do the words of Jesus have the very same crises in their lives that people have who don’t do His words.15Obedience to Christ does not mean you will not get rained on. Anyone who tells you that the Christian life is all sunny days has lied to you. Nevertheless, the storms are what test us. Living in the sunshine of life doesn’t tell us much about ourselves. Anybody can build a house that will stand firm when the sun is shining and the wind is still. It is the storms that reveal the strength of your foundation. When you build on the rock you must expect storms, because only storms can show your wisdom to the world around you.

Sometimes the storm roars in as you are pounded by sickness or the fear of death. Perhaps you will learn that you have cancer or another life-threatening disease. Maybe a loved one will suddenly pass away. You may develop a nagging injury that refuses to heal. Maybe you’re beginning to feel your age and this discourages you to no end. Times like these reveal the foundations of your life.Sometimes the storm is a crushing personal loss. You may lose a job that not only provides income but also provides you with self-esteem and personal security. Your carefully built stock portfolio suddenly destroyed can be like a tornado roaring through the comfortable life you have built. When you realize that you haven’t built up the security you counted on, everything in your life can come tumbling down and you see exposed the faulty foundations of your life.In many cases, your foundation can be tested by prosperity. Prosperity comes like a gentle spring rain. At first you’re convinced it will make your life green and healthy. But when prosperity keeps coming, it can develop into a large destructive force as damaging as a storm. What you gain, not what you lose, often serves as the supreme test of your foundation. More men and women have been knocked off their spiritual foundation by great wealth than by great reversal.16

In 1992, Hurricane Andrew destroyed thousands of homes in South Florida. Yet in an area where the wreckage looked like a war zone, one house remained standing, still firmly anchored to its foundation. When a reporter asked the homeowner why his house had not been blown away, he replied, “I built this house myself. I also built it according to the Florida state building code. When the code called for 2” x 6” roof trusses, I used 2” x 6” roof trusses. I was told that a house built according to code could withstand a hurricane—and it did.”

When personal storms come many lives will be destroyed and left in shambles. Most people don’t find the narrow gate (7:13–14). Most people don’t build on the foundation of Christ’s words. But if you construct your life according to Christ’s building codes you will not be disappointed.17 While obedience to Jesus’ words is not a protection from the troubles; it is a protection in the troubles. Yes, you may lose some widows and the house of your life may be shaken but it will not collapse and be swept away. I want to encourage you: All the time that you have invested in laying your biblical foundation will pay off. If you haven’t already seen the results and benefits, I can assure you that one day you will. Building on the rock is the best flood insurance you can invest in. Storms will come and go. You are either in a trial, coming out of a trial, or entering into a trial. Nevertheless, if you’ve built your life on the foundation of Christ, you have nothing to fear. A good storm will demonstrate the stability of your foundation.

Seven years ago we began building a house. Scrub brush had been cleared away. The dozer had come to dig the hole for the foundation to be poured. Lori took the kids to see the progress. When they arrived they eagerly piled out of the van and ran to see what had been done. As they looked into the hole where the foundation would soon be poured, four–year–old Joshua stood staring with a perplexed look on his face. After a moment he blurted out: “Where’s the rock?” Lori had no idea what he was referring to. She said, “What rock?” Joshua replied, “The rock that the wise man built his house upon.” Joshua wasn’t trying to be cute or funny. He just remembered that a wise man must build his house upon the rock—He wanted to be assured that our house would have a rock!

Does the house of your life have a rock? Have you built your life on a strong foundation? We all need the rock. Without the rock, we would all just roll away. Place your faith in Jesus Christ today. If you’ve already placed your faith in Him continue to grow in Him.

 

[You can build your life on the strong foundation, but unfortunately you may not choose to do this. So Jesus now presents the alternative. As a builder, you can…]

2. Destroy your life on the wrong foundation(7:26–27). Jesus modifies His previous parable and applies it negatively to those who refuse to obey His words. In 7:26 He says, “Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.” The opposite of a wise man is a foolish man. The Greek word for “foolish” is moros. I don’t need to tell you what this word means in either Greek or English. A person who disregards Jesus’ words is called a stupid moron. He is foolish. He didn’t build on the rock of Jesus’ words! Please note: The foolish builder also heard Jesus’ words but didn’t act upon them. The decision not to act on Jesus’ words, for whatever reason, is already a decision to do a great deal. It is the decision to live by someone else’s words, for we all live by someone’s words.18 Every person is building a life according to some scheme, some design. People don’t build at random. Everyone has a world view or a philosophy.19 Who or what is your foundation? If it isn’t Jesus Christ, make sure He is today.

Why did the foolish man build his house on the sand? He miscalculated the weather. He thought every day was going to be sunshine. He thought his life was always going to be smooth. So he figured a sand dune would do as a foundation. Let’s face it; it is appealing to build on the sand. It’s found in a good location. It’s adequate. It’s easy. Who wants to dig down deep if you don’t have to (see Luke 6:47)? It takes more work to build on the rock. It takes more time and energy. And it costs more. It is easier and faster to build on the sand. It’s always easier to take shortcuts in building a home. It’s cheaper to use inferior materials. And for a while, no one may notice. But somewhere along the line, you will pay for your shoddy workmanship. The same is true when it comes to the foundation of your life. It is easier to go with the crowd. It takes less time and energy if you simply maintain a superficial faith. And frankly, most of the time, who can really tell the difference anyway? It’s easier to just show up for church for an hour a week than it is to develop spiritual roots. But there’s only one problem with this mentality, the Bible teaches that storms are lurking on the horizon.

In 7:27, Jesus closes His parable with a storm warning: “The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell—and great20 was its fall.” Jesus concludes His parable and the entire Sermon on the Mount with an illustration of warning rather than of encouragement. I thrive on encouragement. I like to encourage others and be encouraged myself. Yet, as much as I appreciate encouragement, there is something about a strong word of warning that snaps me to attention. Jesus is saying, “You neglect My warning at your own peril!” Jesus’ warning has both a future and temporal application.21 The word “great” (megale) is the last word in 7:27, hence the last word of the Sermon on the Mount. The point is that if you reject Jesus Christ, you will spend eternity separated from Him. This is the future judgment. Yet, there is also a temporal judgment that concerns believers. If you choose to disregard Jesus’ commandments, you too will fall in this life and at the judgment seat.

Do you know what many Christians do when it starts raining? They try to change foundations. When the sky gets dark, the winds pick up, and the rain begins to pour they pick up the telephone, call the most spiritual people they know, and say, “Help me build a new foundation under my house. It’s falling apart.” But you can’t change foundations when you’re in the midst of a storm. You have to lay your foundation before the storm comes, so that when the rain, the floods, and the winds come, your house is secure. This is also true in the natural realm. It is hard to lay a foundation when it’s raining. Workers have to stop pouring concrete when it begins to rain. The foundation has to be poured on sunny days.22

Our family loves to spend time at Cannon Beach on the Oregon coast. Whenever we enjoy a week at Cannon Beach Conference Center, there is a sand castle building contest. All of the kids spend an hour or so building the most elaborate sand castles. The only problem with these impressive sand castles is that when a wave rolls in, everything that these children have created is washed away.

How is your foundation? Is it built upon the rock or is it built upon sand? If it’s built upon the rock, keep on. Continue doing what you’re doing. Seek to stretch yourself further in God’s Word. Pray that He gives you an even greater hunger and thirst for His Word. If your foundation is built upon sand and you know you’re sinking down, build your foundation on the rock of God’s Word. Today, I invite you to do a building inspection of your life. If you want a stable life—one that doesn’t cave in when the rain comes—build it on the rock TODAY. One way to facilitate this is by working through the “Sermon on the Mount Personal Evaluation” worksheet below. Place a checkmark by the attitudes you have had and behaviors that you have actively been doing the past few weeks. Remember, you will not be rewarded in heaven for what you heard and believed, only for what you did.

If you have never believed in Christ as your foundation stone, do so today. At the moment you believe in Christ, your foundation turns from sand to stone. If Christ is your foundation stone, build your life on His teachings. I would encourage you to go home and find a small rock. Put the rock next to your computer monitor. Take it with you to the office. Put it in your kitchen or at your dining room table. This can be your stone of remembrance. It can signify your new relationship with Christ or your commitment to obey Him wholeheartedly.

The Sermon on the Mount concludes in 7:28–29 with Matthew’s powerful first-hand account:“When Jesus had finished these words,23 the crowds were amazed24 at His teaching; for He was teaching them as one having authority,25 and not as their scribes.”26 The crowds27 were amazed at two things: the matter and the manner of His teaching. They were astounded by what He taught. He differed from anyone they had heard before. He didn’t urge them to new forms of religion, to give more money, or to attend services more often. He didn’t summon them to a greater commitment to a religious routine. He kept going back to their motives, to what they were deep inside. He said that what mattered to God was their relationship with Him. He said that true religion wasn’t a performance; it was a deep reality of who we are deep inside.

In addition to their amazement at the matter of Jesus’ teaching, the crowd was impressed by the manner in which He taught.28 Jesus taught as one having authority, not as the teachers of the law. Rabbis were highly educated. They knew their 2,000 years of religious tradition inside and out, and they had studied all the learned opinions but they did not teach as if they had authority. In most of their teaching they simply quoted the experts. Listening to them was like listening to someone read an extended footnote. As a college student, you don’t have credibility or authority so your professors expect you to liberally use footnotes to bolster your authority. Jesus, however, uses no footnotes! Standing 2,000 years away from the Sermon on the Mount, we may not appreciate the significance of this difference. Jesus was about thirty years of age, not very old by the standards of the ancient world. He had grown up in Nazareth, a small town of little importance. He was a carpenter. He had not gone to the schools the rabbis attended. He had never studied the religious traditions. And yet, Jesus spoke with an authority that the older scribes did not possess.29 Even the Old Testament prophets introduced their message by saying, “Thus says the Lord.” That little phrase appears almost 3,000 times in the Old Testament. The prophets did not speak with their own authority; they spoke with the authority of God. It is striking that Jesus never used that phrase. He spoke with His own authority. He spoke with authority all through the sermon when He interpreted or reapplied the law, when He promised, when He commanded, when He prohibited. Not in the name of God, but as God Himself. The people had never heard anyone do that because no one like Him had ever appeared on earth before. Indeed, Jesus Christ was and is amazing!30

The sad thing is: The crowd didn’t accept Jesus as Savior; they were merely impressed. Don’t stop at being impressed with Jesus’ words. Amazement is not enough! Many religious leaders, professors, literary writers, and moral people have been impressed with Jesus’ teaching in the Sermon on the Mount. But this is inadequate. Belief in Christ is necessary for salvation. Obedience to Christ’s teachings in the Sermon on the Mount is necessary for Christian health and growth. Therefore, if we could sum up Jesus’ words we might put it like this: “Draw a line on the rock, not in the sand.”31 The rock signifies the person and teachings of the Lord Jesus; the sand symbolizes your worldview.

I haven’t been to the doctor in many years. In fact, since the year 1999 that was the last   I’ve  been to the doctor once! I have my reasons for why I don’t go to the doctor, but they aren’t important or valid. I know this though: When I go to the doctor, I must believe that he is able to help me. I must then submit myself to his authority so that I can become well. If I refuse to trust in the doctor and submit to him, I have no one but myself to blame for my own demise. Similarly, if you want to be eternally well, you must trust Jesus Christ for your spiritual deliverance. Additionally, if you are seeking to be healthy and whole in this life and the next, Jesus asks that you trust Him and then submit yourself to His authority. Draw a line on the rock, not in the sand.