Passive-aggressive behavior is very destructive. Like driving a wedge between people, it is an incubator for hurt and resentment. Over time, the hurt and resentment accumulate and gain strength.
Those in relationships with passive-aggressive people may have feelings of hurt, betrayal, confusion, and insecurity. The person acting with passive-aggressive behavior may feel rejected. This dysfunctional relationship may eventually destruct—ending in loss of employment, loss of friendship, estrangement or even divorce.
The passive-aggressive person resists agreement in covert ways. A passive-aggressive person may appear to agree with what is to happen and then he or she sabotages the situation by not following through (inaction) or by undermining it (action). In other words, a person doesn’t agree, but fails to state their objection to the situation. This is a defense mechanism for avoiding emotional pain. A passive-aggressive person does not like confrontation. Some may not even be conscious of what they are doing.
From a biblical stand point, passive-aggressive behavior would be considered a stronghold (mindset). People in relationships become frustrated with the behavior of passive-aggressive people. This frustration is a mild form of anger. Over time, frustration becomes stronger and can grow to outward displays of full-blown anger, resentment, or rage resulting in severe dysfunction and the likely break-up of the relationship.
Romans 7:15-2015 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.18 I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Apostle Paul is stating that our sin nature (flesh) is greatly influencing us to sin. To be set free from our own passive-aggressive behavior, we need to figure out why we do this. It should be known that passive-aggressive behavior is a symptom of something deeper. So many times Christians pray for the symptoms rather than the root causes. Subsequently, they don’t receive healing.
There are many aspects of passive-aggressive behavior:
Fear
While each person’s story varies, fear is the dominant emotion/belief behind passive-aggressive behavior. Fear can control peoples’ lives in unhealthy ways. We normally think of fear as just an emotion, but it is rooted in beliefs about situations and people. Our experiences of the past are the basis for our present beliefs. Because we live by what we believe—mostly subconsciously—understanding our beliefs will help us get free of the stronghold of fear.
Fear can cause a person to fail to be truthful about their desires in a given situation. They are afraid to speak out about what they believe and feel. There are all types of fears that could play a part in this; here are some possibilities:
Fear of abandonment will be reinforced when abandonment happens multiple times during a lifetime. Childhood abandonment is serious. Contributing factors of this fear are loss of one or more parents or other significant people. Even death of a parent can develop fears of abandonment because a child has limited understanding of the true nature of the event.
Fear of abandonment also can be reinforced during the adult years such as through a loss of friends, spouse, or job. Some develop a fear of abandonment because of a false belief that God has forsaken them.
To break free of this fear, we must confess the fear in each of the known abandonments that has occurred during our lifetime. Anger, which likely has become part of the issue, may be directed at the person who abandoned you—you must forgive them—even those who abandoned you by their death. These emotions in the memories can be complex. Beliefs/emotions of shame, guilt, unworthiness, and others may be part of our experiences with abandonment and will need to be dealt with also.
Fear of rejection develops because rejection is so painful. Verbal abuse is rejecting a person as valid and worthwhile. Confess fear of rejection in all experiences of rejection and deal with all related emotions until peace is achieved regarding a particular memory.
Fear of conflict develops when a person grows up where conflict resulted in emotional and/or physical pain. Avoiding conflict becomes a life controlling burden. Confess fear of conflict in all experiences of conflict and deal with the other related emotions.
Fear of violence doesn’t necessarily mean that violence is necessarily in the present, but the fear will be a controlling factor. Handle this in the same manner as the other fears listed above.
Fear of criticism. Handle the same as other fears.
Fear if confrontation. Handle the same as other fears.
Other fears. Deal with all other fears whether or not you know they are causing passive-aggressive behavior.
Anger
Like fear, anger is major contributor to negative life-controlling issues. A person with a lot of imbedded anger from childhood may develop a negative attitude towards people that have authority over them or towards people in their life that are attempting to exert control over them. Usually outward rebellion is the response, but when fear is present, a more passive response can occur. With rebellion, there is an attitude of getting even which may not always be a conscious action. Retaliation, coupled with fear, can influence a person in passive-aggressive behavior. Back-stabbing is evidence of this kind of behavior.
Hopelessness
Hopelessness is the belief and corresponding emotion that nothing will change for the better. It has been found that this feeling is tied to depression. If anger lingers in our heart toward people in our life, we probably believe our relationship with these people can’t change. This feeling can also be directed at inanimate entities such as institutions and organizations. Though institutions and people may not change, we can change what we believe about them. The only way that we can change what we believe about people and institutions is to forgive. Forgiveness goes a long way toward changing how we are affected by others; it helps us get free of depression.
Powerlessness
Powerlessness is the feeling that we have no control over some or all aspects of our life. God will free us of powerlessness by renewing our mind. People who suffer from powerlessness will have a difficult time turning the control of their life over to Jesus. Powerlessness is a belief/emotion resulting from traumatic experiences in our life. Powerlessness is a lack of trust. Lack of trust is fear. So, powerlessness is tied to fear. We need to know, experience, and trust that we have plenty of power with Jesus in our life.
Low Self-Value
Low self-value (unworthiness) can contribute to passive-aggressive behavior. A person with this type of belief is less likely to express their opinion, take a stand, confront or stand their ground.
Unworthiness tends to be a secondary belief/emotion out of experiences where anger and fear first occurred. Examples might be abandonment and rejection. The belief that develops is that these events occurred because “there is something wrong with me.” We are not aware when these beliefs are developing.
When people tell us that “we will not amount to anything,” “we are a failure,” and other hurtful words, we receive these words and they become a vow—a statement of belief. These negative declarations are forms of rejection for they reject the value (worth) of us as a person. We need to renounce all negative words spoken over us and forgive those who spoke them whether spoken by our own self-talk or by others.
God tells us we are worthy. For example:
Ephesians 2:10 …we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
When we feel unworthy or live as if we are unworthy, in addition to dealing with the rejection, we need to confess our unbelief in God’s word which states that we are worthy and of significant value. We also need to deal with all our anger issues since many of them have contributed to our belief of unworthiness.
Mind Renewal
Romans 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove whatis that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
What the Apostle Paul is saying is that for us to change, our mind must be renewed. What has happened is that we have developed beliefs and emotions that do not conform to God’s truth—Satan loves to tempt and deceive us. Lie-based thinking causes us not to live a victorious (transformed) Christian life.
God’s truth needs to replace these lies of the past for us to get free. We can’t do it ourselves. Jesus is able to do this. More truth (alone) doesn’t free us until the exchange of beliefs occurs. We have to be willing to allow Jesus to do this—replace our false beliefs with His truth.
Paul shows us what the transformation is. See:
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control…
It is our cooperation with the Spirit that renews our mind. In the very next verse Paul tells us how to receive the fruit of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.
To nail one of these lies to the cross would be to confess it, which means to agree or acknowledge its existence, and then ask to be cleansed of it. It is the Holy Spirit that does the rest by killing it and replacing it with God’s truth.
Reading the Bible can renew our mind, but as I point our in my bookPrescriptures for Life, renewal will be enhanced by requesting God to search our life and asking God to replace any belief that goes against the Scripture.
The passive-aggressive nature will be changed by replacing the fears and other lie-based thinking with God’s truth. A life of destruction can be rebuilt and relationships can be healed. Understanding the elements of passive-aggressive behavior is the first step on the path to freedom and healthy relationships.
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