LIFE CHANGING IDEAS

Think for Yourself and Question Authority

Many people blindly accept what they are told by those in positions of authority (political, religious and educational). You should always use your own brain and reason to determine whether or not something is true.

“Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.”

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT COPING/DEALING WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS?"

It certainly can be difficult to accept some of the sorrowful twists and turns that life brings our way. And there are few things that can stir the human soul more than the news of a terminal illness diagnosis. First of all, know that Jesus cares. Our Savior wept when His beloved friend Lazarus died (John 11:35), and His heart was touched by the sorrow of Jairus’ family (Luke 8:41-42).

Jesus not only cares; He is at hand to help His children. Our God is an “ever-present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). The Holy Spirit, the Comforter of our hearts, dwells with us, and He will never leave (John 14:16).

Jesus told us in this world we would have troubles (John 16:33), and absolutely no one is spared (Romans 5:12). Yet coping with any degree of suffering becomes easier when we understand God’s overall design to redeem our fallen world. We may not be guaranteed physical health in this life, but those who trust in God are promised spiritualsecurity for all eternity (John 10:27-28). Nothing can touch the soul.

It is good to remember that not everything bad that happens to us is a direct result of our sin. Having a terminal illness is not proof of God’s judgment on an individual. Recall the time Jesus and His disciples came upon a man who had been blind since birth. They asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus responded, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned. But this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (John 9:2-3, emphasis added). Likewise, Job’s three friends were certain that his calamity resulted from sin in his life. Like Christ’s disciples, they were very wrong.

We may never understand the reasons for our particular trials this side of eternity, but one thing is clear – for those who love God, trials work for them, not against them (Romans 8:28). Moreover, God will give the strength to endure any trial (Philippians 4:13).

Our earthly life is a “mist” at best, and that’s why God has set eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11). God’s plan for His children includes their death, which is “precious in the sight of the LORD” (Psalm 116:15).

Ultimately, God’s will for us is to glorify Him and to grow spiritually. He wants us to trust and depend on Him. How we react to our trials, including the trial of terminal illness, reveals exactly what our faith is like. Scripture teaches us to offer our bodies as living sacrifices (Romans 12:1). In fact, “dying to self” is a requirement for those who seek to follow Jesus Christ (Luke 14:27). This means we completely subordinate our desires to those of our Lord. Like Christ at Gethsemane, “my” will needs to become “Thy” will.

The writer of Hebrews exhorts us to consider the suffering our Savior endured so that we ourselves do not grow weary and lose heart in our own trials. It was “for the joy set before Him” that Christ was able to endure the suffering of the cross. This “joy,” for Christ, was in obeying His Father’s will (Psalm 40:8), reconciling His Father with His creation, and being exalted to the right hand of the throne of God. Likewise, our own trials can be made more bearable when we consider the “joy” set before us. Our joy may come in understanding it is through testing that God transforms us into the likeness of His Son (Job 23:10; Romans 8:29). What we see as pain and discomfort and uncertainty our sovereign Father – who ordains or allows every event during our time on earth – sees as transformation. Our suffering is never meaningless. God uses suffering to change us, to minister to others, and, ultimately, to bring glory to His name.

Paul reminds us that our earthly troubles, which last only a short time, pale in comparison to our eternal glory (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). Commenting on these verses, one theologian stated, “God will never be a debtor to anyone. Any sacrifice we make or hardship we endure for His sake and by His Spirit, He will amply reward out of all proportion to what we suffered.”

If you have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, we would humbly offer this advice: make sure that you are a true child of God, having trusted Jesus as your Savior (Romans 10:9-10). Then, as Hezekiah was told, “put your house in order” (Isaiah 38:1); that is, make sure your will is ready and other important arrangements have been made. Use the remaining time God gives you to grow spiritually and minister to others. Continue to rely on the power of God for day-to-day strength, and, as the Lord gives grace, thank Him for your “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). Finally, take comfort in Jesus’ promise of eternal life and peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27).

WAYS MEN DESTROY THEIR MARRIAGE

Neglected Wife Symptoms—Ways Husbands Destroy Their Marriages

It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. So, while this list below may seen daunting, always remember that. If life is stressful, then work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek the things that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

Also, while both the husband and wife should take responsibility for their part in a marriage, below are ten mistakes common to men. Read on to learn about the behaviors of men which can completely destroy a marriage.

1. Leaving Her Alone

One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. This means things like spending long hours at work and following it up by a beer or several afterward with the guys. Then, when you get home, you don't engage her or your children. Instead, you lose yourself in baseball or computer poker. Also, on the weekends, you'll complain about the messy house, then leave to run errands, and then you don't come back for several hours.

One of the most most miserable experiences for a wife is that feeling of isolation when her husband emotionally leaves the relationship. Yes, she has friends and a job. Yes, she spends a lot of time running the kids around and partaking in activities outside of her husband. It's not the same. Her desire is to spend time with you, the man she loves. To be left alone by her husband causes deep heartache for women. For most women, their largest fears boil down to isolation and deprivation. When she feels abandoned by you, she attacks with hurtful and disrespectful behavior. Her ability to verbally hurt you is her strongest weapon, and she uses it out of fear in an effort to try to get your attention.

When a wife begins to nag because you never spend time at home, never hang out with her, and never engage with the kids, chances are she is feeling abandoned and isolated. When you stop spending time together, the emotional distance between you two grows quickly.

2. Not Getting Close Enough

Your wife feels energized when she feels close to you. Refusing to let her know you is destructive to her and your marriage. While you strive to keep your independence, she longs to connect with you. It is not fair to either of you if you are only affectionate and attentive on the days you want sex or something from her. Affection and closeness ought to be an end in themselves, not a means to a different end.

Talking is not the only way women feel close, although it is an important one. Simple ways to fulfill your wife in this area are to hug her often, hold her hand, and to spend some time alone with her. When her need for closeness is met, she will be more inclined to respect your need for independence. When your wife feels close to you, she will also be more willing to engage with you on a more intimate, sexual level.

The important thing to remember is to help her feel connected. Try talking to her about your day, your fears, hopes, and dreams. Hold her hand when you go out together. Kiss her unexpectedly in the kitchen while she makes dinner. Sit next to her. Ask her how she is doing, and for a few minutes, give her your undivided attention while she answers. A little bit will go a long way and mean everything to her and, in turn, your marriage.

2.5. Closing Yourself Off to Her

Women exist as an integrated circuit. The mind, body, and soul are closely linked — so, hurt feelings affect the entire system. A wife whose spirit is crushed may suffer from fatigue and confusion. Like a strand of Christmas lights — when one light goes out, they all go dark. Men compartmentalize. If one light goes out on his strand, all the other lights function properly, unaffected. Men are able to fully function when one area of their lives is not working properly.

Your wife does not understand the closed-off and mysterious way you operate. Things don't seem to bother you. You never want to talk to her. She knows you are stressed about work, yet you don't show it or express that further to her. She wonders how you can even function. Your wife is not trying to pry or sneak her way into no-man's land. She simply wants you to be open. She wants to truly see you. She feels loved when you share your fears, worries, and troubles. She wants to be that person for you and committed to being so when you got married. She won't try to fix you. She will listen.

Try talking to her about what is going on in your life. Women like to vent, without seeking a solution, and she wants to give you the freedom to share yourself verbally.

3. Always Trying to "Fix" Her

Even when she doesn't always say it, your wife sees you as her strength. As the bearer of her burdens. When she comes to you for help to lighten the load from the weight of her world, it is a compliment. She knows you can handle it.

Rather than trying to resolve and repair every issue, however, try to just listen to her. You might even ask if she needs a solution or just an ear. It will be a relief for both of you when you realize that sometimes you don't have to fix all the problems. Furthermore, when you listen, she will feel like you understand her (even if you don't, which is okay).

4. Never Saying "I'm Sorry."

All marriages have conflict. The refusal to apologize is a quick way to destroy yours. While conflict is not a pleasant thing, growth and closeness can increase as conflict is resolved. For your wife, an apology means she has moved forward through the conflict, and she is now seeking peace.

Many husbands see apologizing as a sure sign of weakness. They think, "If I apologize, she won't respect me." On the contrary, if you humbly apologize and ask her forgiveness, your wife will be putty in your hands. Your small act of contrition soothes her spirit, and acts as a healing balm over her heart. Furthermore, it shows that you're open and willing to make things work, that you care enough to admit to your faults and move past and through them.

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5. Taking Her Insecurities Too Lightly

Your wife knows she is highly committed to you. When she sees you looking at other women, in the mall, on TV, on the computer, and in other places, she fears that you may be unfaithful and at the very least, it may make her uncomfortable and question your attraction to them, especially if she is solely just looking at you. Regardless, she is insecure and needs your reassurance, not any belittling, joking, or teasing. These activities all devalues her feelings, which are real. When you stare at a cute young thing as she saunters by, it may be a reminder to your wife of her many imperfections. She feels insecure because she wants to know that you still love her and you looking at other women may not be so reassuring of that. It's okay for you to look at other women, in fact, it's perfectly natural. The danger is when you are blatant and aggressive, disregarding your wife's feelings and staring in spite of her discomfort.

Your wife is motivated by your love and loyalty. She has committed her life to you, and wants to feel secure in the fact that you are equally committed to her. A big symbol of your loyalty to your wife is a wedding ring. For a woman, this is a sign of your fidelity. A married man without a ring seems to be trying to hide something. This requires very little effort, if any, on your part to reassure your wife in this way, and yet it would mean the world to her. Her peace of mind ought to be worth the cost of an inexpensive, outward expression of your fidelity. You have nothing to hide. A ring is a simple, outward expression of your devotion to your wife and to your marriage. This small gesture can have deep impact.

When your wife feels insecure, she may ask if you still think she is pretty. She may ask if you love her. She may ask if you think someone else is more attractive. This is not a trap. She feels she is moving toward you, by asking a question and starting a conversation. Talking is how women feel close. She is seeking your assurance of love and loyalty. Rather than make light of the moment, look at her. No, really look at her. Tell her she is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. Give her the assurance she seeks, and ease her troubled mind.

6. Ignoring the Importance of Simple Gestures

Your wife does not require fancy jewelry or expensive meals. Granted, those things are nice, and you like to treat your wife. However, it isn't always necessary.

She feels most loved by the small tokens of your love and appreciation. When you neglect the small things, it may feel to her like you are trying to buy her affection — or ease your own guilt — with the big things. Let your wife know that she is on your mind during the day. A single rose when you walk in the door speaks volumes to her language of love. Give her a call or send her a text during the day to let her know you are thinking of her. Offer to help with dinner, or wash the dishes. These are small gifts of your time that mean the world to your wife.

For your wife, the most important days of the year are her birthday and the day she married you. Celebrate these days by spending time with just her. It will mean more than any expensive gift ever could. The cost of the gift is secondary to the thought you put into it. She wants to feel special and important to you. The way to help her feel loved is to spend time with her alone. Even if you sit home and watch a movie, give her your undivided attention.

7. Taking All the Fun Out of Sex

When you confuse sex with intimacy, it's no fun. When you only focus on your own orgasm, it's no fun. When you only show interest in your wife when you want to get lucky, it's no fun. When you devalue the depth of your sexual relationship with crude jokes and pornography, it's no fun. When you expect her to get excited instantly, it's no fun. When you neglect your wife's sexual needs, it's no fun.

When you are married, sex is supposed to be fun.

An intimate sharing, designed to bring you closer, sex should cement the bond between you. For example, think of your wife as a crockpot. Meanwhile, in this comparison, you are a microwave. Put a meal in a microwave, and you are eating within three minutes. A crockpot meal takes a lot of forethought. You need the proper ingredients. You have to put everything together, turn it on, and wait. Six or eight hours later, you enjoy a delicious meal. Your wife needs the same thoughtful consideration. Start in the morning with a kiss. Tell her she's beautiful. Women never get tired of hearing that from the man they love. Help get the kids ready for school. After work, ask about her day.

Slow, slow, slow. If you want to bring the fun back into sex, think crockpot, not microwave. You can microwave in the shower (not literally, obviously).

8. Getting Lost in Bitterness and Anger

When you shut your wife out to brood in your despair, it fills her with fear. Women like to talk things out. Men like to shut things out. When you feel stressed about work, about money, about your relationship, you turn inward. This provokes your wife's fear of abandonment and rejection.

She thinks you don't love her when you refuse to speak. This fear, and her desire to resolve conflict, cause your wife to pursue you. She wants to talk it out, not to belittle or demean you, but to feel closer. She wants you to trust her, so she can trust you. She follows you around, asking if everything is alright. You run away from her and avoid wanting to discuss what is bothering you. She knows something is wrong, and she begins to assume that she is the problem.

You can stop this train wreck before it happens by opening up to your wife. She loves you. You can trust her. Share your real feelings with her, and she will open her heart to you.

9. Not Taking Responsibility

Whether it's an addiction, an affair or poor performance in your life, many times, husbands point to their wives as the reason for their weakness. "She makes me drink because of her nagging. I cheated because she wouldn't take care of me. I'm doing poorly because she never encourages me."

It's time to take full responsibility for your own behavior. You need to take ownership of your actions. You choose to drink. You choose to cheat. You choose to work or not work. You actively do all these things on your own. Rather than blaming someone or something else, stand up and take control. Make your life reflect the values you desire. Your life is completely under your control. Today, you can choose differently. You can create exactly the life you want. Furthermore, if your wife really is the root of all the problems in your life, then take control of that as well and man up and tell her the truth. She can't change if you aren't willing to express the problem.

10. Picking the Wrong Woman. Again.

A woman in distress, who just moves from crisis to crisis, will continue to be in distress after you marry her. A nitpicking woman who criticizes your every decision will continue to nitpick. A control freak always wants control, even after the wedding. The bottom line is: if she is the wrong woman before the marriage, she'll be the wrong woman when and after you get married.

If you want a nice wife, then date a nice woman and marry her. Treat her with love and respect and she will return the kindness. Trying to rescue a woman in distress will only lead you to feel used and unappreciated. A strong marriage begins with a good-willed woman and a good-willed man. It flourishes as you both grow in love and respect toward each other.

Choosing the wrong woman sets you up for failure every time. Although you might like the feeling of being a knight in shining armor rescuing a damsel in distress, the reality of being married is much harder and much less idealistic. Marriage takes work, from both the husband and the wife. When both are committed to making the marriage a good experience, then it has a better chance of succeeding.

Work on Yourself

While this list may seem daunting, it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. If life is stressful, work on changing your perception. You can see peace instead of stress. You are only one thought away from a peaceful life. If you feel unhappy, seek those thing that will fulfill you in life. Just be happy. The simplest route to something is to just be. The only person you can change is yourself.

DIVINE HEALING

The Bible gives many examples of divine healing of the sick, but that was long ago and far away. What about people today—does God still heal today?

God instructs His people who are sick to call for the elders to pray and anoint them with oil as a sign of faith in His divine healing power.

God healed many people in Bible times. But can you and I have confidence that God will hear our prayers for healing and intervene as He knows is ultimately best for us?

God designed our physical body

In the creation account of Genesis, God reveals that He made Adam, the first man, of the “dust of the ground” and then breathed into him the “breath of life; and man became a living being” (Genesis 2:7). Adam, the father of all human beings, was designed to be flesh and blood. This means, among other things, that he was subject to illness and injury, and eventually death. Even if a man was never injured and never became sick, he still would not live forever because the physical body will in time simply wear out.

The author of Hebrews certainly understood that the human body was never intended to live forever when he wrote, “It is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment” (Hebrews 9:27).

The fact that we all will eventually face death is the starting point in understanding divine healing, because it means God will not always heal us. In His wisdom, and according to His plan and will, at some point in our lives He will allow every human being to die.

Divine healing from the Scriptures

The Bible does give us many examples of individuals who were healed of serious problems, including leprosy, blindness and being crippled. God even restored physical life to some who had died. God performed these miracles through men like Elijah andElisha and, in the New Testament, through the original apostles. Of course, Jesus Christ, who was God in the flesh, also healed and even resurrected various people throughout the course of His earthly ministry.

It is clear that God can and at times does intervene in miraculous ways to heal even serious or fatal conditions. Physical healing is a dramatic demonstration of God’s power and love for human beings. It also reveals the depth of His involvement in the lives of people. The Creator is certainly not an aloof, uninvolved Deity as some people would claim!

New Testament instructions

There are instructions in the New Testament regarding physical healing. However, many people today are completely unaware of these instructions.

The apostle James wrote, “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much” (James 5:14-16).

When Jesus Christ instructed and sent the disciples out to preach the gospel, in addition to teaching the people they “anointed with oil many who were sick, and healed them” (Mark 6:13). They followed the pattern of anointing with oil and laying hands on the person who was sick, much as the ministry of Jesus Christ does to this day.

The type of oil used is not specified, but olive oil was the basis for the anointing oil used by the Old Testament priesthood. It was also widely used for medicinal purposes and as fuel in lamps. In both regards—as an aid to healing and in bringing light—it is an appropriate symbol, representing the power of God’s Holy Spirit through which He heals.

As often as possible, anointing is done in person. However, we also find a biblical example of healing when a cloth or piece of material was anointed by the elder and then sent to the sick person. The apostle Paul practiced this in the New Testament (Acts 19:11-12). We in HOPE MINISTRIES, also follow this example when for some reason a minister is unable to personally anoint the sick individual.

It is God who heals

It is important to understand that neither the minister nor the oil he uses heals. Christians must look to God in faith as the Healer (Matthew 9:20-22; Acts 14:8-10) and therefore strive to live in obedience to His will (1 John 3:22-23). God honors that faith and obedience, and there are many examples of God’s divine healing and intervention in the lives of people in our modern day.

It is also important to note that faith in divine healing does not prohibit a believer from seeking medical advice and treatment, and doing what he or she can do to recuperate from the illness or injury.

The best and most skilled doctor still cannot heal. What he can do is work with the body God created and the systems He put in place. He may be able to assist, setting a broken bone or prescribing a medication, for example. That may allow the bone to mend together properly, or allow the body to better fight off an infection or disease. But the power to heal lies solely in the hands of our Creator, and in the workings of the body He lovingly designed.

Understanding God’s will and timing

Understanding these wonderful promises and fully believing in God’s power to heal, some may wonder why everyone is not healed immediately when he or she is anointed. The Bible, as well as human experience, shows that God sometimes allows health trials to linger, perhaps for years.

The apostle Paul himself suffered with what he called a “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7), likely an unknown ailment that he apparently had for the remainder of his life. Paul understood, and we should too, that through these kinds of trials God is able to teach many powerful lessons.

When considering ourselves, we should give thought to whether there is something more we should do or learn. We can pray for help to grow in faith and obedience. But when considering other people, keep in mind that it is never helpful to question their faith or obedience. These are matters for God to judge, since we cannot see another’s heart. There may be any number of other reasons why God does not always provide divine healing immediately.

It is instructive to keep in mind that God does desire that humanity enjoy good health (3 John 1:2). This is why His Word addresses keeping our physical body (His spiritual temple) free from harmful addictions, habits or practices (2 Corinthians 6:16-18) and seems to be part of the reason He gave food laws (Leviticus 11 and Deuteronomy 14). For more detailed information on good health, read the other articles in this section on health.

And then eventually it is God’s design that this human life will come to an end. Even in this we can see God’s hand and His wisdom. The strengthening of one’s spiritual character from a health trial can be tremendous. And the example that a faithful Christian sets in approaching the end of his or her life often serves as a powerful testimony to friends and family.

God looks to the future!

God is sovereign and knows about each individual’s needs. He has a perfect and eternal perspective and has our ultimate best interests in mind. Like all trials, sickness can help us grow in faith, obedience, character and our relationship with God. God wants us to learn patience, so we must not assume that His promise of healing must be fulfilled immediately or not at all. He may have lessons for us or those around us to learn. It is God’s prerogative whether He heals immediately or not. It is not necessarily a reflection on an individual’s level of faith.

God promises a wonderful future when there will be no more pain, sorrow or death (Revelation 21:4). In this world we will have troubles, including health problems. God does not promise to keep us alive forever in this physical body, and so all of His faithful servants of times gone by have reached the end of their physical lives and are in their graves. They are awaiting the resurrection from the dead when they will be raised as immortal spirit beings (1 Corinthians 15:50-54).

Does God still heal today? Can you and I have confidence that God will hear our prayers for divine healing and intervene as He knows is best for us? The reassuring answer from the Word of God is a resounding “Yes!” We can go to Him for healing, always trusting in His love and wisdom to give us the perfect answer at the perfect time, what is most needed for our ultimate good (Romans 8:28)!

SIGNS YOU'RE IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE

Making the decision to leave a loveless marriage is scary: There's often a deep fear of being alone, not to mention the possibility of an unknown future. So many stick with mediocrity, settling for low-level pain and dissatisfaction instead. But it's not your best bet: "Staying in a seriously unhappy marriage can have long-term effects on our mental and emotional health,"  Research shows that people in bad marriages usually have low self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have a higher rate of illness than those who don't. We feel sad and grieve when we decide to let go—but people who divorce recover emotionally, and most find new relationships. In fact, "one statistic reported that 85 percent of those who divorce remarry within five years," she says. Now, we're not saying it's time to divorce just yet. But if these signs hit home for you, it's time to take a hard look at whether this is a marriage you want to stay in.

You're actively ignoring your gut.

Our instincts can often tell us first when a relationship just isn't working—but we don't always trust that voice, "We often ignore our gut instincts because that voice is very quiet and calm, unlike the internal voice in our heads that thrives on high drama." We're trained to trust logic in many areas of life, so when a niggling feeling ("Am I really still in love with this person?") presents itself, it's hard to pay attention to it because there aren't any hard facts or rational reasoning. Drill down on that initial instinct and ask yourself more specific questions. If you find your responses are things like, "I don't feel safe to express myself, I don't feel respected and haven't felt happy in a long time," that's a sign that things have gone awry—and you shouldn't ignore it. "The truth doesn't go away simply because we don't want it to be there; that voice stays in the background and weighs on you,"

"Getting quiet within is key to being able to hear instincts. And like a muscle, the more you trust your gut, the easier it becomes to decipher that voice—which comes from your heart—from the voice in your head."

You're preoccupied with other people's needs and problems.

Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own. And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity—and a sense of their own needs—in the process. "In order to face her relationship unhappiness, a woman needs to stop distracting herself by putting other people's needs ahead of her own,"  "Doing this can be a way of avoiding her own painful truth." So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you're always rushing around trying to make other people's lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.

The distance between you keeps growing—and you wait too long to get help.

One way to distinguish between a run-of-the-mill marital rut (where you've, say, fallen into boring routines and don't have much sex anymore) and a loveless marriage is to ask yourself how long the situation has been this way, and whether it's been steadily worsening. "Most couples go through rough times, but if the difficulties last more than two years, with no sign of relief, I'd recommend seeking professional help," And sooner is always better to avoid passing the point of no return. "It would be ideal if we could tune into our longings and needs well before we get to the point that the love we once had is dead," who notes that the average couple waits six years from the time they recognize relationship problems until the time they try therapy. By then, it's often too late—the problems in the marriage can corrode it to the point where it may be unsalvageable. So play it safe and consider scheduling a therapy session if you're struggling.

You fantasize about a life without your spouse.

If you often imagine a happy (happy is the key word here) future without your partner, that's a major sign that things aren't right. This is a part of the emotional detachment process, during which you may try to convince yourself that you don't care anymore so that the eventual separation feels less painful,
 "Detaching psychologically by fantasizing about having an affair or making plans for the future that don't include your partner can all be signs that you've fallen out of love," "It's as if the mind has pulled its own plug so our hearts won't suffer as much when the relationship ends." If you notice this mental pattern, take it a step further to see if the fantasy holds weight. "It'll give you another layer of reality, which can then help you know what the right next step is," she says. As you click through, check in with your emotions. If excitement or relief is your prominent emotion (rather than fear or apprehension), it may be a sign to acknowledge that there are serious problems in your marriage. "But before actually taking steps to leave, see if there are things you can—or want—to do to work on the relationship," That way, if you ultimately decide to leave, "you can do so with some peace of mind," she says. "It's never easy to end a relationship, but having lingering regret that you could have done more can make the decision harder."

You've stopped fighting.

If you've given up fighting, but feel further away than ever, it's a sign that you've reached a crossroads. "If there's a fight and the couple doesn't talk about what happened, or becomes gridlocked in their position and refuses to listen to their partner's perspective, that's not good,"  However, you might still be able to turn it around. "Unresolved conflict can fool us into thinking that our love is lost, when it's actually only buried beneath the ashes of smoldering resentment and anger,"

In other words, the love could still be there, but you just can't access it. To get back in touch with those feelings, turn toward your partner emotionally—which creates closeness and connection—rather than ignoring them or responding negatively, which creates distance and disengagement. "Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight and repairs the relationship," It's up to you to decide whether you've got it in you to turn toward your husband and give it one last go, or whether you've maxed out your ability to keep fighting for your relationship.

You have one or more of the big relationship destroyers.

There are four behaviors that are super-destructive to relationships. If one or more is present in your relationship, you could be on the fast track to loveless-ness (if you're not there already). Every time youcriticize your partner—by attacking, blaming, and putting the fault on them by flinging negative statements like "You're always running late," or "You never do anything right"—you corrode your connection. By being defensive and refusing to accept responsibility, or attacking in response to feedback from your partner, you chip away at the trust and goodwill in your marriage. If you have an attitude of contempt, and call your partner names or make stinging, sarcastic remarks, you imply that you're superior and your partner is defective. And every time you stonewall one another, or emotionally shut down instead of openly addressing the issues, you create more distance and dishonesty, rather than openness, communication, and love. If any (or all) of these sounds familiar, schedule couples' therapy to discuss why you do these things—and how you can fix them.

You don't feel heard (and you might not be listening).

When you sit down to talk with your spouse about what's working and what isn't, do you hear crickets? Or feel like nothing changes, no matter how vocal you are about your feelings? That's a problem, "The most powerful tool we have for resolving our conflicts is listening and understanding one another," she says. "When we invite our partners to share what we've done to let them down, and when we truly listen and understand their feelings, decades of hurt and anger can easily fade away." So make a point of listening for the underlying emotions and messages in your partner's words—everyday issues, like yelling about whose turn it is to take out the trash, could be stemming from something deeper. "In most situations where couples go from being best friends to loveless opponents, I uncover a pattern of poor communication, dashed expectations and unhealed resentments,"

"They think the fight really is about taking the garbage out, when in fact it's more likely about one or both feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed or unacknowledged." And once you finally hear what they're trying to tell you (or vice versa) you can get to the bottom of the real issue.

WAYS TO SURVIVE IN YOUR MARRIAGE WHEN YOUR IN-LAWS HATE YOU

It’s finally happened for you.  You have found the one that you love and they love you back.  The two of you decide to join together in holy matrimony.  You are finally getting your happily ever after.  There is only one problem…(record scratch)….his family hates you.  Not just a normal dislike, I mean they actually have chosen another for him and want him NOT to marry you!  His mother even tells you to your face, that you are very pretty but absolutely not the one for him.  As you proceed with your vows and you look out amongst the guests, you see his family glaring…not smiling.  The ones that even accepted the invitation that is.  You accept this moment as a glimpse of what your future in this family might be like, but you proceed with the “i do’s” because love conquers all.  Right?

Wrong.  The truth is that in-law created conflicts can lead to divorce!  A lot of people believe that having a good relationship with your in-laws is crucial to maintaining your marriage.  And they are right to a certain extent.  I believe that having a good relationship with your in laws could definitely enhance your marriage. However, not everyone gets that kind of happily ever after because of mean and messy in laws that will do everything in their power to destroy your union. You and your spouse can most definitely survive AND thrive without having that mutual affection.  If you and your spouse have done all that you can to foster a relationship with the opposing family, to no avail, then you must do what you have to survive and most importantly maintain your marriage.

Ways to Survive in your Marriage When Your In Laws Hate You

1. Don’t take anything personal.

A lot of times, the problem that in laws have isn’t with you its with your spouse.  There may be something that your spouse used to do for them that they don’t do anymore because you came into the picture.  They may believe that you have taken something from them.  Most families are very protective when it comes to their children.  Sometimes this protection turns into an obsession.  It means that nobody will ever be good enough.  They often times will direct this anguish at you. Recognize this and don’t take it personal.

2. Don’t blame your spouse for their behavior.

Your spouse cannot be held responsible for the behavior of another adult.  When your in laws behave in a less than desirable ways towards you, don’t blame your spouse.  It is not their fault, they can’t do anything about it.  Blaming and ultimatums only lead to arguments and resentment.  Don’t do it.

3. Keep the lines of communication open with your spouse.

Tell them how you are feeling.  Let them know when something bothers you. Encourage them to express how they feel.  A lot of times your spouse may not be aware that you have been offended or feel disrespected.  Instead of grinning and bearing it, release it, so that it can be calmly discussed.

4. Don’t buy into it.

If your in laws are really hateful and dislike you, then they are going to love knowing that they have provided drama for you.  Things like calling you by the ex’s name or excluding you are all childishly purposeful behaviors.  They feed off of your negative reaction.  Don’t buy into it.  It will only add kindle to their fire and encourage them.

5. Pick your battles.

Of course there are going to be some situations that you will not be able to quietly walk away from.  However, you must not make every situation into a major one.  Don’t make a fuss about every little thing.  Choose the lines that you have that won’t be crossed and choose very carefully.  Set the boundaries, and as long as they mind those lines everything else should be brushed off.

6. Keep a united front.

Your happiness with your spouse is your victory!  Your successful marriage is your sword.  They cannot bring it to you if you have created a united front that they know they cannot penetrate.  You don’t have to be fake about it.  Just be real and be happy. Your solidarity is in your love for one another.  Remember that a weak front can be easily penetrated by the enemy.

7. Don’t hold grudges.

A lot of times your in laws may need you to grow on them.  If they caused drama for you in the beginning of your marriage, but appear to be cool with you now.  Let it go and go with it.  Do not carry that initial experience with you.  Get over it, move forward.  Forgive and try your best to forget.

8. Don’t ever use your children as pawns.

Whether they care for you or not, don’t keep your kids away from them (unless there are safety issues). Your kids are their blood and deserve to know their people.  Don’t let the kids suffer because of ignorant behavior.   And don’t bad mouth them in front of your children either.

9. Always be cordial and respectful.

Dignity goes a long way.  Hold your head high and represent your family.  Don’t stoop to levels that are lower than you.  Be cordial & respectful because thats the right way to be.  Ignore snide remarks and comments.  Don’t allow yourself to be goaded into an argument.

10. Don’t be afraid to pack your things and leave.

In some situations there may be no way to resolve or diffuse a conflict that has started.  Instead of staying and participating, leave.  Pack your kids, your mate and leave.  You should not be required to stay anywhere that you are not wanted.  Even if you are attempting to be cordial and respectful, people cross the line sometimes.  There is no harm in walking away from a confrontation.

Doing all of these things might be hard.  You might be saying to yourself, “I am not doing any of it!” or you may have already given up.  It’s never too late.  If you think about these actions before REacting you will avoid so much unnecessary stress, negativity and drama…which is what they want! Ultimately in the end, you will win and your mate will respect your ability to stay in control. The view of the troublemakers in their family will change once they see who the aggressors really are.

You will be showing your children how to carry themselves as respectful adults by not arguing and being involved in negative interactions.  I read something one time that went something like, “Never argue with a fool, because a stranger may walk by and not be able to tell who is who.”  Well it’s true, so don’t do it!  Life is too short to live your life with regrets.  Understand your position with your mates family and handle it accordingly.  Don’t let anything come between your love and commitment to your spouse.  If their family does not accept you, then so be it.  It does not have to destroy your marriage. 

SHOULD A MARRIED PERSON HAVE A CLOSE FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?"

Is Your Spouse Spending Too Much Time with a Friend of the Opposite Sex?

Are you worried that your spouse is spending too much time with an inappropriate friendship?  For example, is your wife really close to the neighbor guy but says they’re just friends or his your husband really close to a co-worker, but he’s says there’s nothing going on?

Do you feel like your spouse is getting closer and closer to this friend and drifting farther and farther away from you?  You’re right to be worried about it.  What can start as a friendship can grow into what’s called an “emotional affair,” where the spouse gets more and more involved and invested in this outside relationship even though there’s no physical intimacy.

Did you know that 95% of affairs happen because emotional needs are not being met in the relationship? (even for men!)

When a spouse gets a significant portion of their emotional needs outside of the relationship, it can put the marriage in extreme jeopardy.   The bottom line is that when you are married you should never be close friends with someone of the opposite sex who is not just as close to your spouse.

If you find you’re in this situation, and you’re not comfortable talking about the issue directly, here’s another approach that can help.

To the best of your ability, involve yourself in as many portions of your spouse’s life as you can and get to know your spouse’s friends.  Have a barbeque for their co-workers and get to know them.  Prioritize your work schedule so that you can attend functions at your kid’s school and meet your spouse's friends.  And even if you have no interest in joining his activities, become involved by cheering him on.  And last but not least, simply talk to each other.  “How was your day?”  “How's that project going at work?”  “Who won the soccer game?”  By doing this, you ensure that you are involved in the major parts of your partner's life and decrease the chances of someone else winning their attention.

Stay Connected By Being Involved In Each Other’s Lives

This is not meant to give permission for one partner to hover over the other.  I simply mean for the two of you to happily become involved in each other’s' lives.

To make sure you’re meeting each other’s needs and protecting your marriage from inappropriate friendships, invest in your marriage and learn the skills

The Bible does not forbid close friendships between men and women. As Christians, however, there are some principles that we would be wise to heed. Married people especially need to be wary of friendships with members of the opposite sex because temptations are more likely to arise when there are marital problems. If a man’s best friend is a woman who is not his wife, he is likely to share these problems with her, which can lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment. The same holds true for a woman who has as a best friend a man who is not her husband.

Most married men (or women) who have affairs don’t purposely go out to find a romantic interest outside of their marriage. Many people say, “I didn’t mean for it to happen; it just happened.” But these things “just happen” when we “play with fire” and put ourselves in situations that are difficult to control. When we feel a spouse is not attentive to our needs, we can easily feel that we have “fallen in love” with someone else who does give us the attention we crave. When we feel ignored or under-appreciated by a spouse, we should communicate our struggles with the spouse and avoid the danger of seeking comfort elsewhere.

Even a marriage that is built on a foundation of faith in Christ and has relatively few problems is not immune to extra-marital temptations. This is why the Bible does not tell us to stick around and try to fight temptation, but to flee from it like we do from all "youthful lusts" (2 Timothy 2:22). Trying to fight temptation seems to become especially difficult when it comes to matters of the heart or the lusts of the flesh. First Corinthians 6:18 tells us that we need to run away from sexual sin, because it is much easier to run away from temptation than to stay and fight it.

Married men and women should carefully avoid putting themselves in compromising situations when it comes to the opposite sex. If they are seen together in public, it will give the wrong impression. If they are alone on the phone or in person, they will subject themselves to the temptation of an emotional or physical affair. The Bible tells us that everything we do should be for the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31), so the wise thing would be to stick to visiting as couples or "double dating" with other married couples, as opposed to risking the complications associated with close friendships with the opposite sex.

LISTENING--WITH YOUR HEART AS Well as YOUR EARS

I speak because I know my needs,
I speak with hesitation because I know not yours.
My words come from my life's experiences
Your understanding comes from yours.
Because of this, what I say,
And what you hear, may not be the same.
So if you will listen carefully,
Not only with your ears,
But with your eyes and with your heart,
Maybe somehow we can communicate.

 

How often have you heard these statements? "You're not listening to me!"... "Why don't you let me finish what I'm saying?"... "If you only let me, I'll tell you!"... "I may as well be talking to a brick wall!... "You just don't understand!"... "But that's not what I said!"

If you hear any of these comments coming from your partner, children, friends, or co-workers, perhaps it's true that "you're not listening"--really listening to the people who are important in your life. Listening is the art of connecting with another person so you fully understand what they are saying and feeling. It is a vital and necessary skill needed in creating and maintaining a marriage, in parenting children effectively, and in working together and making effective decisions on the job.

Ineffective Listening

Why are people such poor listeners when it is such an important skill in developing and maintaining relationships? First, there is the habit of "tuning out," which involves the processes of selective attention and selective perception. You hear what you want to hear and screen out what you don't. An example is:

Wife: "I feel sorry for Janet. I went next door to see her this afternoon and...well, you know I told you what happened to her last week."

Husband, not looking up, busy eating: "Did you? What happened, I don't remember."

Or, on a Friday afternoon: Employer: "Do you have that report written yet? I said in our meeting on Monday that it must be mailed by 5 o'clock today."

Employee: "Oh, oh, I don't remember you saying anything about that report. I must have forgotten."

Both parties are guilty of selective listening, because each had tuned the other out and discounted the importance of the message. Because neither was listening to what the other was saying, they missed out on an opportunity to strengthen their relationship. If the husband had listened to his wife's anxieties and concern about Janet's problems, and if the employee had recognized the importance of having the report completed, both would have had a better understanding of each other's position. Since it is estimated that the average person spends 45 percent of his waking hours listening to someone, no wonder we tune out what we don't want or don't need to hear.

The second reason for poor listening is physiological; that is, people listen about five to ten times as fast as they speak. In the time it takes the speaker to say 100 words, the listener has the capacity to hear 500 to 1,000 words. So, while you are talking, the other person is listening with only a fraction of the capacity for attention. The rest of that person's mind impatiently used the extra capacity for other things--to plan the next day's work; to fantasize about their future; to think of an excuse for not being home for dinner on time; to reminisce about a vacation, etc. One of the keys to effective listening is to use this excess mind capacity to constantly analyze what is being said, instead of daydreaming or letting your mind wander.

The third reason is the sheer impact of the stimuli from the outside world. People are bombarded with literally thousands of different messages each hour, and the volume of "noise" in their communication network makes effective listening difficult. According to experts, the average person speaks 12,500 words per day, and if that is multiplied by five or more persons in their immediate work or family environment, it is no wonder people get tuned out.

Styles of Poor Listening

One reason the ineffective listening takes place at home or at work is because we have developed bad habits and poor listening styles which prevent us from really hearing others. Some of these styles are:

1. The Faker. Fakers only pretend to be listening. They may smile while you talk to them. They may nod their heads. They may appear to be intent, but they are either thinking about something else, or are so intent on appearing to be listening that they do not hear what you are saying. Often their minds wander as they tune in and out of the conversation.

2. The Dependent Listener. Some people primarily want to please the speaker. They are so concerned about whether the speaker has a good impression of them that they are unable to listen and respond appropriately. Dependent listeners may agree excessively with what the speaker says, not because they really agree, but because they want to maintain the goodwill of the speaker (nodding head all the time). By trying to please, dependent listeners are frustrating at best.

3. The Interrupter. Interrupters never allow the other to finish. They may be afraid that they will forget something important they want to say. Or they may feel that it is necessary to respond to a point as soon as it is made. Or they may simply be more concerned with their own thoughts and feelings than with those of others. In any case, they barrage the speaker with words rather than offering an understanding ear.

4. The Self-conscious Listener. Some people are concerned more with their own status in the eyes of the other than with the ideas and feelings of the other. Trying to impress the other person, they don't listen with understanding; therefore they may be constantly framing their replies in order to be helpful.

5. The Intellectual Listener. Intellectual listeners attend only to the words of the other. They make a rational appraisal of what has been said verbally, but they ignore the nonverbal cues (including the feelings that are communicated nonverbally). The intellectual listener may develop this style because of the type of work in which he or she engages. Consider Nancy, a computer programmer, who learned to be thoroughly logical and systematic in order to succeed in her work. She tried to apply the same procedure to her marriage, however, and found herself in trouble.

6. The Judge and Jury Listener. These listeners often become so involved in the judgement of the idea or behavior of others that they don't hear the full story. They may interrupt with a comment about being "wrong" or "incorrect" or may attack the other person without attempting to understand their position. When this happens, they shut their ears so they don't listen. A kind of hardening of the categories.

Payoffs for Effective Listening

The first real evidence of effective communication occurring is when each person really understands what the other person has said--the meanings, attitudes, and feelings behind the words. That takes time and concentration. Here are some positive results that can be gained from effective listening.

1. Gaining knowledge. Each person can learn new information about topics, ideas, and people. Listen for the meaning beyond the words and the context of the communication. Listen to the person--get in touch with emotions, language, habits, and temperament.

2. Receive better work and cooperation from others. Showing sincere interest in other peoples' problems, ideas, thoughts, and opinions can bring you more respect and cooperation.

3. Listening can help to win friends. Not only does it help you to make new friends, but it will enrich ongoing friendships.

4. Listening helps to solve problems and resolve conflict. Only after understanding the other person can you agree or disagree, and then work cooperatively to clarify thinking, seek solutions, and resolve conflict.

5. Listening can reduce tension. It gives the other person a chance to "get it off his chest," to "clear the air," or "let off a little steam."

6. Listening can prevent trouble. If people can learn to listen before speaking, before sticking their neck out, before taking untenable and unreasonable positions, or making commitments that can't be kept, they will likely avoid many unfortunate experiences.

7. Listening can help you do a better job. Try asking your partner or fellow workers for ideas about improving your listening performance. Then listen and try some of their suggestions.

8. Listening can increase enjoyment in life. Efficient listening can increase everyone's enjoyment of a movie, a television program, a lecture, a play, music, and even just plain conversation. It may help people to develop higher standards for everything they hear.

9. Listening can strengthen family relationships. Marriages are created, maintained, and/or destroyed through effective communication. Most important is our need to listen to each other--with the heart as well as the ears. Empathic listening is the greatest gift parents can give to their children. It is the ability to put themselves in their child's place--to walk in the other's moccasins--and understand where the child is coming from without imposing their point of view.

Learn Reflective Listening

The key to reflective listening is the ability to listen in a non-judgmental way--to listen for understanding and not for agreement. How does one learn to be a more attentive and reflective listener? The process goes like this. Sit down opposite the speaker in a relaxed, attentive manner. Let the speaker begin talking about specific ideas or feelings that he or she is experiencing and wants to share. Pay full attention to both the verbal and nonverbal language.

After four or five sentences, stop the speaker with "let me see if I am understanding you." Then, repeat back in your own words what you heard and the feelings you picked up on. "You said..." You felt..." "Was that accurate?" If the speaker says it was not accurate, ask for a clarification of the portion of the message that was misunderstood or incorrect. Once this is clarified for both of you, then the speaker can go on for another few sentences, and the reflection process continues. Remember, the goal for both the speaker and listener is understanding, not agreement.

Reflective listening is useful when a person is "uptight" and wants to share feelings that are bothering or behaviors that are upsetting. It is also useful in a brainstorming type of situation when you just want to be heard and understood. It is not appropriate when the goal in communicating is to manipulate the other person, or to only communicate negative feelings and judgments. It works only if each person can really accept where the other is coming from; and then uses the process for solving, or as a means of entering the life of the other person. Remember, reflective listening is a skill that must be developed and used.

Common mistakes in reflective listening. While learning the skill of reflective listening, there will be mistakes and people will find it awkward and unnatural at first. This is okay--no skill is learned easily. As you practice, keep in mind some common mistakes you will likely make and try to correct them.

1. Parroting--simply repeating the message or responding only to the facts and not the feelings.

2. Listening without empathy--continuing whatever activity you were involved in, not looking at the speaker, maintaining a dry, detached manner.

3. Opening the door, then slamming it shut--using reflective listening to develop data which the listener then uses to move in with solutions, evaluation, punishment, etc.

4. Bad Timing--using reflective listening when the other person needs specific help or information you possess.

5. Analyzing--going beyond the message the speaker wants you to know by adding your guess as to why the speaker feels the way he does.

Speaker-Listener Technique

Whether at home or work, conflicts will arise as people attempt the complex task of sharing ideas, feelings, plans, and positions. Developing certain skills can usually help two people improve communication and reduce the intensity of conflicts. Notarius and Markman have developed a step-by-step procedure for the speaker and listener.

* Use the speaker-listener technique so each side knows he or she will have a chance to be heard. First decide what you will talk about, who will be the speaker and who will be the listener. To practice keeping your roles straight, get a piece of paper and write floor on it. Trade the floor back and forth, remembering to speak only when you have the floor. The speaker should keep his or her statements short so the listener can follow them.

* Relating to each other and resolving problems are both important goals, but always relate first and resolve second. To show you are listening, relating, and trying to understand the full importance of what the other person is saying, take in the message, try to sense his or her feelings, and then restate a mixture of those thoughts and feelings.

* As a listener, don't apologize or offer an explanation or excuse until after you have shown you appreciate the other person's feelings. Even honest apologies and explanations detract attention from the speaker. The listener should show respect for the speaker's feelings and not try to dilute them by waving an apology or explanation at them. The listener must accept the possibility that he or she did something the speaker didn't like, even if it wasn't the purpose. The listener must develop a sense of confidence in taking turns, knowing that her or his position will be given equal time as soon as the speaker and listener roles switch.

* Don't blame or attack. Problems between two people are relationship problems. Each needs to examine their role in creating and maintaining the problem. Attacking and blaming only creates defensiveness and hostility.

* Set aside a weekly half-hour meeting to work on the relationship. Even if both people are very busy, scheduling this time says work on the relationship is important.

* If one person would like to discuss an issue outside the time of the half-hour meeting, he or she should say "I'd like to talk about X. Is this a good time?" The other has the right to decline to talk at that moment, but it becomes that person's responsibility to make sure the talk happens within 24 hours.

* During a discussion, focus on one problem. Stay on one subject at a time, even though your thoughts may drift to related issues. Ask yourself what your listening and discussion goals are.

* Reserve the right to take a break if the discussion is not going well. If one side starts to attack, blame, or escalate, either person can call a STOP. At that point, agree to stop talking and pick up the conversation within 24 hours.

Ten Commandments of Effective Listening

Effective listening requires an understanding that it is not just the speaker's responsibility to make sure he/she is understood. The listener has a major role to play in hearing the complete message. The following ideas will assist the listener in understanding the message.

1. Stop talking! You cannot listen when you are talking. You will only be thinking about what you are going to say next instead of paying attention to what the other person is trying to say. Consciously focus your attention on the speaker.

2. Put the speaker at ease: Relax, smile, look at the speaker and help that person feel free to talk. Look and act interested. Remove distractions: turn off the TV; close the door; stop what you are doing, and pay attention.

3. Pay attention to the nonverbal language of physical gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and body posture. An authority on nonverbal language says that 55 percent of the message meaning is nonverbal, 38 percent is indicated by tone of voice, and only 7 percent is conveyed by the words used in a spoken message. Few people know how to listen to the eyes; what a tapping foot means; a furrowed brow; clenched fist; the biting of nails. These often reveal the key feelings behind the words.

4. Listen for what is not said. Ask questions to clarify the meaning of words and the feelings involved, or ask the speaker to enlarge on the statement. People often find it difficult to speak up about matters or experiences that are very important or highly emotional for them. Listen for how the speaker presents the message. What people hesitate to say is often the most critical point.

5. Know exactly what the other person is saying. Reflect back what the other person has said in a "shared meaning" experience so you completely understand the meaning and content of the message before you reply to it. A good listener does not assume they understand the other person. You, as the listener, should not express your views until you have summarized the speaker's message to his satisfaction.

6. Be aware of "tune out" words. These are words which appear in the media that strike an emotional chord in the listener and interferes with attentive listening (e.g. abortion, nuclear war, communism, homosexuality). Avoid arguing mentally. Listen to understand, not to oppose.

7. Concentrate on "hidden" emotional meanings. What are the real feelings behind the words? What is the tone of voice saying? What does the emphasis on certain words mean? Notice how the meaning of the following question is changed when you change the emphasis from one word to the next.

What do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want?
What do you want?

8. Be patient. Don't interrupt the speaker. This is disrespectful and suggests you want to talk instead of listen. Allow plenty of time for the speaker to convey ideas and meaning. Be courteous and give the speaker adequate time to present the full message.

9. Hold your temper! Try to keep your own emotions from interfering with your listening efficiency. When emotions are high, there is a tendency to tune out the speaker, become defensive, or want to give advice. You don't have to agree to be a good listener. Don't argue! Even if you win, you lose.

10. Empathize with the speaker. Try to "walk in the other's moccasins" so you can feel what that person is feeling and understand the point of view the speaker is trying to convey.

True attentive and reflective listening offers the opportunity for others to share their life with you. Listening and leveling has a chance of healing hurts and building bridges in a relationship. When someone listens to you and you feel understood, you are much more likely to trust the other person, thus opening the gate for more intimate communication.

Conclusion

You may think, "What is so important about listening? I listen!" Sure you do. But how? How adept are you, for example, in getting people to come right out and really talk to you? Before you can get the most out of a listening situation, others must first believe that you really want to listen. They must feel that when they tell you something, it will be received by you in the proper spirit. Learn to listen beyond the words, with your heart as well as your ears. Observe the signs of the inner feelings such as voice quality, facial expressions, body posture and motions, etc. These actions are revealing, and sometimes may have an opposite meaning from the spoken word. A friend put it this way: "You listened as if you wanted to hear what I was going to say, as if it was really important to you. And that makes me feel good!"

May God bless you all

THE TRUTH BEHIND ST. VALENTINE’S DAY

St. Valentine’s Day is the world’s “holiday of love.”

Since the Bible states that God is love (I John 4:8, 16), does He approve of the celebration of this day? Does He want His people—true Christians—partaking of the candy and cards, or any customs associated with this day?

When God says He wants you to live life abundantly (John 10:10), does that include celebrating a festive, seemingly harmless holiday like Valentine’s Day? The God who gives us everything—life, food, drink, the ability to think for ourselves, etc.—surely approves of St. Valentine’s Day, the holiday for lovers to exchange gifts—right?

Do not be so certain. Do not assume anything. Do not even take this article’s word for it. Go to history books and encyclopedias. Go to the Bible. Then you will know the real truth behind St. Valentine’s Day. And you will know what God expects you to do about it!

Valentine’s Past

Like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, New Year’s and other holidays of this world, St. Valentine’s Day is another attempt to “whitewash” perverted customs and observances of pagan gods and idols by “Christianizing” them.

As innocent and harmless as St. Valentine’s Day may appear, its traditions and customs originate from two of the most sexually perverted pagan festivals of ancient history: Lupercalia and the feast day of Juno Februata.

Celebrated on February 15, Lupercalia (known as the “festival of sexual license”) was held by the ancient Romans in honor of Lupercus, god of fertility and husbandry, protector of herds and crops, and a mighty hunter—especially of wolves. The Romans believed that Lupercus would protect Rome from roving bands of wolves, which devoured livestock and people.

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Assisted by Vestal Virgins, the Luperci (male priests) conducted purification rites by sacrificing goats and a dog in the Lupercal cave on Palatine Hill, where the Romans believed the twins Romulus and Remus had been sheltered and nursed by a she-wolf before they eventually founded Rome. Clothed in loincloths made from sacrificed goats and smeared in their blood, the Luperci would run about Rome, striking women with februa, thongs made from skins of the sacrificed goats. The Luperci believed that the floggings purified women and guaranteed their fertility and ease of childbirth. February derives from februa or “means of purification.”

To the Romans, February was also sacred to Juno Februata, the goddess of febris (“fever”) of love, and of women and marriage. On February 14, billets (small pieces of paper, each of which had the name of a teen-aged girl written on it) were put into a container. Teen-aged boys would then choose one billet at random. The boy and the girl whose name was drawn would become a “couple,” joining in erotic games at feasts and parties celebrated throughout Rome. After the festival, they would remain sexual partners for the rest of the year. This custom was observed in the Roman Empire for centuries.

Whitewashing Perversion

In A.D. 494, Pope Gelasius renamed the festival of Juno Februata as the “Feast of the Purification of the Virgin Mary.” The date of its observance was later changed from February 14 to February 2, then changed back to the 14. It is also known as Candlemas, the Presentation of the Lord, the Purification of the Blessed Virgin and the Feast of the Presentation of Christ in the Temple.

After Constantine had made the Roman church’s brand of Christianity the official religion of the Roman Empire (A.D. 325), church leaders wanted to do away with the pagan festivals of the people. Lupercalia was high on their list. But the Roman citizens thought otherwise.

It was not until A.D. 496 that the church at Rome was able to do anything about Lupercalia. Powerless to get rid of it, Pope Gelasius instead changed it from February 15 to the 14th and called it St. Valentine’s Day. It was named after one of that church’s saints, who, in A.D. 270, was executed by the emperor for his beliefs.

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According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs, are mentioned in early martyrologies under the date of 14 February. One is described as a priest at Rome, another as bishop of Interamna (modern Terni), and these two seem both to have suffered in the second half of the third century and to have been buried on the Flaminian Way, but at different distances from the city…Of the third Saint Valentine, who suffered in Africa with a number of companions, nothing is further known.” Several biographies of different men named Valentine were merged into one “official” St. Valentine.

The church whitewashed Lupercalia even further. Instead of putting the names of girls into a box, the names of “saints” were drawn by both boys and girls. It was then each person’s duty to emulate the life of the saint whose name he or she had drawn. This was Rome’s vain attempt to “whitewash” a pagan observance by “Christianizing” it, which God has not given man the power or authority to do. Though the church at Rome had banned the sexual lottery, young men still practiced a much toned-down version, sending women whom they desired handwritten romantic messages containing St. Valentine’s name.

Over the centuries, St. Valentine’s Day cards became popular, especially by the late eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries. These cards were painted with pictures of Cupid and hearts, and meticulously decorated with lace, silk or flowers.

First Man Called Valentine

But who was the original Valentine? What does the name Valentine mean?

Valentine comes from the Latin Valentinus, which derives from valens—“to be strong, powerful, mighty.” The Bible describes a man with a similar title: “And Cush begat Nimrod: he began to be a mighty one in the earth. He was amighty hunter before the Lord: wherefore it is said, Even as Nimrod the mighty hunter before the Lord” (Gen. 10:8-9). He was said to have hunted with bow and arrow.

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As mentioned, the Romans celebrated Lupercalia to honor the hunter god Lupercus. To the Greeks, from whom the Romans had copied most of their mythology, Lupercus was known as Pan, the god of light. The Phoenicians worshipped the same deity as Baal, the sun god. Baal was one of many names or titles for Nimrod, a mighty hunter, especially of wolves. He was also the founder and first lord of Babel (Gen. 10:10-12). Defying God, Nimrod was the originator of the Babylonian Mystery Religion, whose mythologies have been copied by the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Romans and a multitude of other ancient peoples. Under different names or titles—Pan, Lupercus, Saturn, Osiris—Nimrod is the strong man and hunter-warrior god of the ancients.

But what does the heart symbol have to do with a day honoring Nimrod/Valentine?

The title Baal means “lord” or “master,” and is mentioned throughout the Bible as the god of pagans. God warned His people not to worship or even tolerate the ways of Baal (Nimrod). In ancient Chaldean (the language of the Babylonians), bal, which is similar to Baal, meant, “heart.” This is where the Valentine heart symbol originated.

Now notice the name Cupid. It comes from the Latin verb cupere, meaning “to desire.” Cupid was the son of Venus, Roman goddess of beauty and love. Also known as Eros in ancient Greece, he was the son of Aphrodite. According to myth, he was responsible for impregnating numerous goddesses and mortals. Cupid was a child-like archer (remember, Nimrod was a skilled archer). Mythology describes Cupid as having both a cruel and happy personality. He would use his invisible arrows, tipped with gold, to strike unsuspecting men and women, causing them to fall madly in love. He did not do this for their benefit, but to drive them crazy with intense passion, to make their lives miserable, and to laugh at the results.

Many of the gods of the Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Assyrians and others were modeled after one man—Nimrod.

But what does this have to do with us today? Why should we be concerned with what happened in the past?

What God Thinks

Read what God commands His people concerning pagan customs and traditions: “Learn not the way of the heathen…For the customs of the people are vain” (Jer. 10:2-3). Also notice Christ’s words in Matthew 15:9: “…in vain they do worship Me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.”

Throughout the Bible, God describes “heathens” as those who worship things that He had created (animals, the sun, the moon, stars, trees, etc.), or man-made idols, or anything but the one true God. He calls such people and their practices pagan. True Christians understand that God hates any customs, practices and traditions that are rooted in paganism.

But just how serious is God about paganism?

When He rescued the twelve tribes of Israel from brutal slavery and led them out of Egypt, He commanded them, “After the doings of the land of Egypt, wherein you dwelt, shall you not do: and after the doings of the land of Canaan, where I bring you, shall you not do: neither shall you walk in their ordinances” (Lev. 18:3). God demanded the Israelites not to defile themselves with the pagan practices and customs of surrounding nations (vs. 24-29). “Therefore shall you keep Mine ordinance, that you commit not any one of these abominable customs, which were committed before you, and that you defile not yourselves therein: I am the Lord your God” (vs. 30).

God cursed Egypt—a nation of nature-worshippers—with ten plagues and freed Israel from slavery. He rescued Israel from Pharaoh’s army by parting the Red Sea and leading His people to safety. He fed the Israelites manna—special bread made by God—from heaven. He protected them from battle-tested Gentile armies, delivered them into the Promised Land and drove out their enemies.

How did Israel treat God in return? “Our fathers understood not Your wonders in Egypt; they remembered not the multitude of Your mercies; but provoked Him at the sea, even at the Red Sea…They soon forgot His works; they waited not for His counsel: But lusted exceedingly in the wilderness, and tempted God in the desert…They made a calf in Horeb, and worshipped the molten image. Thus they changed their glory into the similitude of an ox that eats grass. They forgot God their Savior, which had done great things in Egypt; wondrous works in the land of Ham, and terrible things by the Red Sea…they despised the pleasant land, they believed not His word: But murmured in their tents, and hearkened not unto the voice of the Lord …They joined themselves also unto Baal-peor, and ate the sacrifices of the dead. Thus they provoked Him to anger with their intentions” (Psa. 106:7, 13-14, 19-22, 24-25, 28-29).

God explicitly commanded Israel to cast out and utterly destroy all nations that occupied the Promised Land (Canaan). Above all, His people were not to make political alliances with them or marry into their families (Deut. 7:1-3, 5, 16). “For they will turn away your sons from following Me, that they may serve other gods” (vs. 4).

But the Israelites thought they knew better than God. They decided to do things their own way. “They did not destroy the nations, concerning whom the Lord commanded them: But were mingled among the heathen, and learned their works. And they served their idols: which were a snare unto them. Yes, they sacrificed their sons and their daughters unto devils [demons], and shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood. Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions” (Psa. 106:34-39).

To wake them up and get them back on track as the model nation He had originally intended, God gave Israel over to their enemies. Israel repented and cried out to God. God rescued them. With their bellies full and lives protected, the Israelites went back to pursuing other gods. God punished Israel again. Israel repented and cried out to God.

And so went the deliverance-idolatry-punishment-repentance cycle (vs. 40-46), until finally, God had no other choice but to divorce unfaithful Israel (Jer. 3:6-11).

He used the Assyrians, one of the most brutal warrior nations in history, to invade, conquer, enslave and relocate the entire northern kingdom of Israel (II Kings 17). Having “disappeared” from history, the modern-day descendants of those ten “lost” tribes are unaware of their true identity even to this day.

Later, God sent the southern kingdom of Judah (mainly the tribes of Judah, Benjamin and Levi) into Babylonian exile (II Kings 24 and 25). Because they kept (at least physically) the true Sabbath, which is a special sign that identifies the one true God and His people (Ex. 31:12-18), the Jews were able to retain their true identity.

The Israelites were severely punished because they lusted after pagan customs, rituals, traditions and practices. As you can see, God does not take paganism lightly.

Why Paganism Is Wrong

Just why does God hate anything that resembles pagan customs? Is it possible to “whitewash” or “Christianize” pagan practices and make them clean? Is it okay to practice pagan customs as long as you “worship God”?

Notice what God says in Leviticus chapter 18. After rescuing Israel from slavery, God warned them not to practice the customs they had picked up in Egypt, or learn the ways, customs and traditions of the Gentile nations that they would encounter in the Promised Land (vs. 1-3). Instead, God commanded Israel to follow His ways (vs. 4-5).

God then describes the pagan ways of these ungodly nations in great detail. In verses 7-20, He condemns all kinds of heterosexual sex relations that fall outside the holy boundaries of marriage—incest, fornication, adultery, etc. Inverses 22-23, God condemns homosexuality and bestiality. Together, these sins break down and destroy the family unit that God had so lovingly created and instituted.

Notice what God links to these perversions: “And you shall not let any of your seed [children] pass through the fire to Molech, neither shall you profane the name of your God: I am the Lord” (vs. 21). God ties in the perverse sexual practices of ungodly, pagan nations with human sacrifices—parents offering the lives of their children to pagan gods!

The Bible shows that Israel not only disobeyed God and wholeheartedly embraced the sexual immorality of the Gentiles, they even went a step further.

“And they have turned unto Me the back, and not the face: though I taught them, rising up early and teaching them, yet they have not hearkened to receive instruction. But they set their abominations in the house [the temple at Jerusalem], which is called by My name, to defile it. And they built the high places of Baal, which are in the valley of the son of Hinnom, to cause their sons and their daughters to pass through the fire unto Molech; which I commanded them not, neither came it into My mind, that they should do this abomination, to cause Judah to sin” (Jer. 32:33-35). (To learn more about these child sacrifices to Molech, download from our website our sermon Santa Claus is Molech and our booklets The True Origin of Christmas andThe True Origin of Easter.)

Imagine. Israel committed a sin so vile, so disgusting, that it even shocked God!

But that was then. What about today? Surely, parents do not sacrifice their children to pagan gods today—or do they?

Do not be so certain. Perhaps their lives are not being sacrificed—but what about theirinnocence?

Parents today expect their little ones to “fall in love” and have boyfriends and girlfriends. They think it is “cute” when little boys and girls hold hands and act like a couple, sneaking a kiss or two when no one is watching. Some parents get worried when their kids do not show romantic interest in the opposite sex. They constantly ask them, “Do you have a boyfriend yet?” or “Who’s your girlfriend?”

Yet these same parents are surprised when their teen-aged “little girl” gets pregnant. Or catches a sexually transmitted disease. Or gets an abortion behind their back.

St. Valentine’s Day is just one of many tools the “god of this world” (II Cor. 4:4) uses to get parents to sacrifice the innocence of their children.

When little boys and girls draw each other’s names in a lottery and send Valentine cards and gifts to each other, declaring their “love,” they are learning the first stages of intimate relations that the Creator God designed specifically for emotionally mature adults. Instead of embracing the carefree innocence of youth, growing up without the headaches and heartaches of adulthood (finding a job, paying bills, marriage, raising a family, etc.), children today are taught to lust after each other. They are caught up in a daily drama of “If-you-loved-me-you’d-sleep-with-me; I’m-pregnant; It’s-not-mine, she-had-an-abortion.” By the time they reach adulthood, virtually every shred of innocence, sincerity and moral decency has been stripped from them. Emotionally drained, they have world-weary, “been there, done that” attitudes. And their lives are just beginning.

This is why we live in a world where a teen-aged virgin is a rare find. Where what used to be called “shacking up” and “living in sin” is now simply “living together.” Where sex is nothing more than meaningless physical recreation—no emotional attachments, no cares, no concerns. Where people change sex partners as conveniently as they change clothes. Where unmarried twenty- or thirty-somethings have had at least five sexual partners—and that is considered a low number, especially in the United States. Where men are not referred to as “my husband,” or “my fiancé,” but as “my second baby’s father.”

How pathetic!

Satan has deceived the whole world (Rev. 12:9) in multiple ways—especially when it comes to intimate relationships. St. Valentine’s Day is just one of his tools for deception. (To learn more about this great deceiver, read our booklet Who Is the Devil?)

“Come Out of Her, My People”

Concerning the near future, when man’s Satan-influenced world is about to collapse, God declares, “Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils [demons], and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird. For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed [increased] rich through the abundance of her delicacies” (Rev. 18:2-3).

Concerning this pagan, satanic system, God commands true Christians,“Come out of her, My people, that you be not partakers of her sins, and that you receive not of her plagues” (vs. 4).

St. Valentine’s Day originates from the ancient paganism of this Satan-influenced world. It is designed to deceive mankind by appealing to fleshly, carnal desires—or, as the Bible calls them, the works of the flesh. “Now the works of the flesh are manifest [made obvious], which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry…drunkenness, revellings, and such like” (Gal. 5:19-21). Do any of these sound like Lupercalia to you?

Ultimately, “they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.” A true Christian is focused on God’s soon-coming kingdom (Matt. 6:33) and the world to come—not on the fleshly cravings of this world. A true Christian must strive to “put off the old man” and actively imitate the perfect, righteous example of Jesus Christ. A Christian knows that he must actively come out of this world, out of its pagan-infested customs, practices and traditions.

Christians do not celebrate St. Valentine’s Day!