HOW TO STOP SELFISH PEOPLE FROM HURTING YOU

How can you recognize a selfish friend or partner, and how do you stop them from affecting your life? Find out how to deal with selfish people here.

Selfish people are always lovable, nice and really sweet.

It’s true, they really are.

For all you know, you may be in love with a selfish person right now, or perhaps you have a best friend who’s selfish.

Unfortunately for you, the traits of a selfish person aren’t easy to notice, because they cover their darker side so well.

But as the relationship starts to grow, you’d start to feel emotionally weak around this person.

And before you know it, they could suck the happiness out of you, and all you can do is watch helplessly.

How to deal with selfish people

If you’re traumatized by a selfish person in your own life, don’t hate yourself for it.

It’s not your fault that you didn’t see the signs.

No one really realizes that a partner or a friend is selfish at the beginning of the relationship.

You’d only see the signs when it’s too late, and there’s little you can do to change their behavior after that.

What makes a person selfish?

A selfish person is one who cares only for their own pleasures, even if it causes pain to someone else. They have no consideration for anyone else, and worry only about their own comfort. Selfish people are well mannered and nice to everyone, but they’re nice only as long as they get something more back in return from the people around them.

The irony of it all is that a selfish person wouldn’t even know they’re being selfish. They’d just assume they’re nice people who care about their own happiness more than anything else. But in their pursuit of their own happiness, they carelessly and intentionally walk all over the shattered hearts of any loving person around them.

One of the easiest ways to recognize a selfish partner or a friend is their trait of always extracting more from you, and yet, they never give anything back to you in equal measures.

Selfish people aren’t selfish with everyone

Selfish people subconsciously pick and choose the people they would want to use and trample on. They don’t go looking for people to hurt. But just like a wild animal’s inner instincts, if they come face to face with a caring and emotional person that they see as prey, they use them and abuse them until the relationship eventually falls apart or they find someone better to prey on.

If you come across as intimidating or emotionally closed off to a selfish person, they’d never ever dream of using you. Instead, they’d suck up to you and try to win your affection.

Selfish people are people pleasers, and appear needy and vulnerable to begin with. They’d pamper you, care for you and love you until you drop your guard down and welcome them into your life and give them your whole heart. And once they have their hooks dug deep in your heart is when you’d start to notice a difference in their behavior.

The mind of selfish people

A relationship is an exchange of emotions. In every successful relationship, both partners give and take from each other in equal measures without keeping count. And everything’s just perfect.

But when one partner stops giving back to the relationship, the relationship starts to fail.

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, they would continue to extract your love and your affections. But they’d stop giving any love or affection back in return which would leave you feeling weak, unappreciated and miserable.

So why did you fall prey to this selfish person?

In a perfectly happy relationship between friends or lovers, both the involved people consider each other as equals. But when a selfish partner or friend starts to believe that they’re more important than the other partner in the relationship, they’d convince themselves that their partner needs them more than they need their partner.

It is very important that you understand this fundamental idea, because this is the foundation of all selfishness. If your friend or lover believes they don’t really need you but you need them a lot, that’s when they expect you to do all the giving, while they extract everything you can give.

A selfish person will behave selfishly around you only when they truly believe that you need them more.

Selfish people are skilled manipulators by instinct. If you’re being used by a selfish friend who sees you as an emotionally weak target, you may even find yourself confused and lost. You may wonder why you’re the only one feeling miserable around this selfish person while everyone else thinks so highly of them. But that’s only because you lovingly handed over the strings to control you like a puppet to them.

Dealing with the hurt and the pain

When you’re in a relationship with a selfish person, no matter what you do, they’d constantly make you feel like you aren’t giving enough back to them. Even the love you have for this person would feel one sided and painful, because none of your feelings would be reciprocated.

A relationship with a selfish person would make you feel like you’re living through a heartbreak every day. No matter what you do, they’d still pick flaws with you or overlook your nice side. And even your nicest friendly or romantic gestures would be treated as ordinary and nothing spectacular.

And while you try to please them by bending over backwards, their expectations from you would constantly increase all the time. Their lack of appreciation for the things you do for them too, would be apparent. And before you know it, you’d be hurt all the time and craving for the smallest sign of appreciation from this selfish person just to feel noticed or feel like you’re doing something right.

10 signs to recognize a selfish person

It doesn’t matter if you’re dating a selfish person or best friends with one. The signs to recognize a selfish person are almost always the same. Use these 10 signs and ask yourself if that special someone is nothing but a selfish and bad person.

#1 A selfish person is excessively friendly and will go out of their way to be nice to you, though only at the beginning of the relationship.

#2 A selfish friend or partner always asks for favors, big or small.

#3 They always squirm out of helping you when you need their help.

#4 You can sense a selfish person’s fakeness when they talk to others. They try to appear very friendly and sweet to everyone, even if you know that they hate the person.

#5 They use others all the time. And they share a laugh with you and tell you how they used someone else to get something done.

#6 Selfish people are people pleasers. But once you get to know them well, they start to show their lazy and aloof side.

#7 If you meet someone who’s a kissass who’s always eager to please you with compliments or fake smiles, stay away from them. A truthful person may seem harsh, but they say things the way they see it. Excessively friendly people almost always have ulterior motives that are selfish.

#8 A selfish friend or lover never commits to anything unless they can get some benefit or favor out of it. They would never do anything selflessly for your benefit.

#9 A selfish person always has a carefree attitude and takes nothing seriously. Even when you talk about how hurt you feel, they make you feel stupid for making a big deal out of nothing.

#10 Selfish people are liars and manipulators. They never want to apologize because they think you’re beneath them. Instead, they resort to lies.

5 steps to stop a selfish person from hurting you

A selfish person can hurt you a lot and leave you on the floor, feeling miserable and wretched. But there are ways to regain your strength and stop a selfish person from hurting you. Read these 5 steps and use them to stop a selfish person from hurting you.

#1 Realization. This is the hardest step, and as much as this friend or lover means to you, you need to ask yourself if you’re being used in the relationship. If you feel like you’re doing all the giving while the other person only takes, big chances are, you’re being used in the relationship. Learn to see the signs and more importantly, learn to accept it when you think you’re being used.

#2 Detachment. If you’re not happy in a relationship, you’d definitely feel miserable all the time. It’s not easy to break away from a selfish person, especially when they mean so much to you. Confronting or breaking away won’t help you, because this selfish person may not care whether you exist and that would hurt you more.

Instead, learn to detach yourself slowly, a little more with each passing day. As you start the detachment step, you’d be more aware and you’d see this person’s selfish side even more clearly. And that’ll give you the strength to move away soon.

#3 Retain your personality. Don’t change overnight. If you change overnight, your selfish mate may walk away from you the next morning and that would hurt you more and leave you feeling weaker.

On the other hand, this selfish person may realize that you’re starting to stand up for yourself and in the fear of losing you, they may start to show more affection to you just to change you back to the meek old self. Don’t fall for that ploy. Pretend like you’re still the same person, but within yourself, start the change to become a stronger you.

#4 Replicate their behavior. When you feel like you have the strength to stand up for yourself and face the situation, let your selfish lover or friend see themselves in you. Replicate their behavior, and start behaving just like they do. Try to use them or be fake, just like this selfish person. It’s time they get a taste of their own medicine.

By doing this, it would help you in two ways. It will help you get back at this selfish person. And at the same time, it will help you see for yourself how you were being manipulated by this person.

#5 Drift away. Selfish people never change. They just look for someone to use, and quite frankly, they can’t help it themselves. So if you’re in a relationship with a selfish someone, don’t try to change them. It will never work. Get back at them by behaving just like how they would behave with you, and whenever you feel like you’ve got your vengeance and have the strength to move, walk away for good.

You can’t build a relationship with selfish people who don’t have the ability to love you or care for you ever. So really, why bother?

SIGNS YOU ’RE BEING SELFISH IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

Recognizing your selfish side isn’t the easiest thing to do, but there are a few cues that can help you see the traits and reflect on them. Use these 12 signs and find out if you’re being selfish in your relationship.

#1 Laziness. Are you usually excited to do something you enjoy? And if it’s something your partner wants to do *that you’re not particularly excited about*, do you get bored or restless easily and try to squirm out of it?

It could be something as simple as a chore or shopping for clothes together. If only the things you enjoy excites you, but sharing your partner’s happiness from the things that they enjoy don’t matter to you, that’s a good sign that you’re a rather selfish person.

#2 Your partner usually gives in. Every time there’s a discussion about something to do or someplace to go to, do you usually end up getting things your way even if that means leaving your partner sad or less-than-happy?

Your partner may give in each time because they love you unconditionally and want to see you happy. But it’s only a matter of time before they start to feel like their wants and desires are not addressed in the relationship.

#3 You believe your partner nags you. Do you ever find your partner repeating the same things to you several times, little seemingly insignificant lines like “can you pick up the towel?” or “did you forget that…?”

It could be irritating to hear your partner nag you all the time, but each time they nag, you need to realize that they’re not trying to annoy you, they’re only doing it because you aren’t listening to them. There are no naggers in happy relationships because both lovers try to keep each other happy, even if it means going out of the way once in a while.

#4 You believe what you do in life is more meaningful and worthwhile. You may have a better job or get a bigger paycheck, but that doesn’t mean you should get preferential treatment in the relationship. If you truly believe that you’re more important and your opinions matter more, you’re being conceited and selfish.

#5 Your partner is flawed. You see your partner as flawed and expect them to change for you *probably because you believe they aren’t good enough for you*. Even if you have the same flaws yourself, you believe those flaws aren’t so significant in your case.

A good example here is weight gain. You may want your partner to lose weight because you believe they look less-than-appealing right now. On the other hand, you may be obese, and yet, you may not believe you need to change or look better for your partner.

#6 You want it your way. You always like doing something your way or going to places you like even if your partner wants to do something different. If your partner coaxes you to do something else or go to a different place, you sulk or pout the whole while. And as soon as your partner gives in to your bidding and does what you say, you cheer up instantly and cozy up with your partner.

Your partner may feel good at that moment when you display your affection to them, but on the inside, all they’d be thinking is just how much of a spoilt brat you are!

#7 Your ego. You believe that losing an argument is a sign of weakness. And you just don’t like losing an argument or ending a discussion that goes against your way. This is something you do, not just in your relationship, but in every part of your life.

#8 You can’t trust your partner easily. You love your partner, but you’re always cautious about trusting them completely because you sincerely believe that you’re the only one who can ever achieve happiness for yourself. Even if you’re dating a great guy or girl, you always look out for yourself first before looking out for your lover’s needs, because you think that’s what your partner would do anyway!

#9 You can’t be unselfish. You may try to put your partner’s needs before yours or try to be nice to them and love them unconditionally, but you just can’t bring yourself to it. You constantly find yourself trying to sneak in a better deal for yourself in everything you do with your lover, be it about the better piece of chicken or the bigger slice of pizza, or even something bigger like planning the itinerary for a vacation.

#10 Competitive. Being competitive is good, but there’s a thin line between healthy competition and unhealthy sacrifices. Would you put your own partner down or walk all over their plans just to win something for yourself?

If you had an assignment or a lot of work, would you bat your eyelashes and sweet talk your boyfriend or girlfriend into dropping their work *and fail at it* just so you can do well in your own work?

#11 You don’t apologize. Do you get a hard lump in your throat each time you have to apologize to your partner? You may say you’re sorry very often when you don’t mean it or for trivial things, but when it’s something that really matters, do you hold yourself back or defend yourself even though you know you’re on the wrong?

On the other hand, do you get angry or upset if your partner doesn’t apologize to you for a mistake they committed? You may not think much of this behavior of yours, but your partner would definitely think you’re selfish and conceited.

#12 Emotional blackmail. Emotional manipulation is always a selfish low blow, however you look at it. Do you withhold sex, give the silent treatment or just ignore your partner when your partner doesn’t do something your way?

Your partner may eventually accept defeat and come your way, but not without resentment and annoyance at the back of their mind. If you want something, communicate with your lover. Hurting your lover emotionally and manipulating them into giving in is a selfish way of winning arguments.

Sometimes, it’s easy to assume we aren’t being selfish and that we’re just doing the right thing for the success of the relationship. But if you see these 12 selfish signs in yourself, chances are, you’re trying to attain happiness in love by going about it the wrong way!

KNOW WHEN TO PULL THE TRIGGER

It's happened to all of us. We're indecisive about deciding on an opportunity and then it passes us by. That kind of experience helps make us more decisive in the future. But that nagging feeling always hits us - what if we make the wrong decision? Here's the thing. When you're decisive in the beginning, yeah, you may make some "wrong" decisions in hindsight but you'll learn lessons. And as you keep on learning those lessons, you'll become more wise in your decisiveness in the future. You'll know when to pull the trigger and when not to because it's not just about pulling the trigger blindly. You need those experiences in the beginning. People who don't make decisive decisions will never experience the lessons necessary to help them make wise decisive decisions in the future.

CHANGING YOUR SPOUSE – AND YOURSELF

Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates.

They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – and she always does. And a woman looks at her man, and thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we’re married, I’ll help him change” – and he never does.

The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Change sometimes doesn’t happen fast enough to suit us. Your beloved may be oblivious to your dissatisfaction. If he or she doesn’t realize the need to change something, a loving spouse can gently ask for change. Nagging, cajoling, and arguing, however, get us nowhere and can make us even more miserable. Successful couples recognize that the only person you can change is yourself.

Enlist your spouse as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouses about your plan to change and enlist their support. Energy for marital growth can be ignited in your marriages. Our spouses, no matter what personal faults or issues they may have, will appreciate our efforts (they’ve been hoping we would!).

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your spouse? Despite your hopes and personal improvement efforts, he or she is resistant or unable to change. This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of marital change is at your service: Acceptance. When spouses show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your spouse makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as helpmate is indispensable. You are the one who loves your spouse the most.

 

SIMPLE AND EFFECTIVE HOME REMEDIES FOR FIBROIDS

Given below are some of the most effective home remedies for fibroids. It may take more than one of these remedies to get rid of the fibroids. And it may take a couple of weeks to notice positive results with these home remedies. It is also considered wise to consult with a doctor before opting for these remedies, especially if the concerned individual is currently on medications for the same condition.

Triggers Alerts

The first thing that one needs to do when it comes to treating fibroids from home is to avoid certain triggers that can potentially cause new fibroids to form or aggravate existing ones. Most of these triggers are present in the form of foods that are consumed on a daily basis.  Foods like beef, red meat and dairy products can alter the estrogen levels in the body which can lead to hormonal imbalances that tend to support the development of fibroids. These foods can also increase an individual’s chances of getting fibroids later on in life. Therefore, it is considered wise to avoid these foods altogether or limit their intake until the condition is completely cured.

Increased intake of caffeinated products, sugary foods, artificial sweeteners and alcohol has shown to increase the chances of being affected by fibroids. So minimizing these triggers would also help reduce the size of existing fibroids, prevent recurrences and promote quick healing.

DIETARY CONSTRAINTS

Fiber Rich Foods

Adding certain foods to an existing diet would have beneficial effects on fibroids on their symptoms. Some of the more common foods recommended to reduce fibroids and their symptoms include fresh fruits, vegetables, pulses, whole grains, cereals, pulses, bean sprouts, split peas, lima beans, kidney beans, black beans, mung beans and fava beans etc.These foods also contain high amounts of fiber which is instrumental in regulating the estrogen levels in the body by flushing out excess estrogen from the system.

Fishes

Including fishes like salmon, tuna and mackerel in the diet can help reduce the occurrence of fibroids effectively. Fishes contain potent anti-inflammatory properties that help control the inflammation caused by fibroids. This in turn can reduce the pain caused by fibroids to a great extent.

Soy Products

Soy products are considered very essential in treating fibroids. Soy contains phytoestrogens that resembles estrogens to an extent and therefore, effectively fills the cells in place of the latter. This in turn would control the estrogen levels in the body and reduce the symptoms of fibroids in addition to preventing recurrences. Excellent examples of soy products include soy beans, soy milk, tempeh and tofu etc.

Weight Constraints

Estrogen is usually stored in the fat cells in the body. Excess fat in the body would automatically translate to excess estrogen which in turn increases the risks of fibroids. Overweight and obese individuals have greater chances of getting fibroids which can turn cancerous with time.Therefore, it is considered imperative to lose weight and maintain a normal weight in order to control the occurrence and symptoms of fibroids.

Hot Compresses

Fibroids can cause immense pain during menstrual cycles. In these cases, it is considered wise to opt for a hot compress in order to get relief from the pain and discomfort. A warm water bag, hot water bottle, heating pad or towel (soaked in hot water) can be placed above the stomach to reduce the pain.

Temperature Alterations

The pain caused by fibroids responds to temperature changes in certain cases. A suitable home remedy to thwart this pain therefore, involves taking bath in hot water for 3 minutes and then taking bath in cold water immediately afterwards. Alternating between hot and cold water every 3 minutes would offer immense relief from the pain caused by the fibroids.

KITCHEN COUNTER REMEDIES

Fibroids and their symptoms can be effectively controlled with certain kitchen counter remedies, the most common of which include:

Garlic

A clove of garlic a day can keep fibroids at bay! Garlic contains allicin, a substance that is known to treat fibroids, tumors and other the infections that lead to these conditions.Eating raw garlic every day can therefore help control the symptoms of fibroids and prevent recurrences to a great extent.

Castor Oil Packs

Castor oil has potent anti-inflammatory properties that help deal with fibroids and their symptoms effectively. Mixing castor oil with ginger and consuming the concoction can effectively aid in shrinking even large fibroids, and reducing even severe symptoms of the condition.

Apple Cider Vinegar

Apple Cider Vinegar is very effective in shrinking fibroids and can even dissolve small fibroids completely. A small glass of apple cider vinegar every day before meals can help deal with the symptoms of the condition to a great extent.A diluted solution of apple cider vinegar can be opted for at first and the dosage can be slowly changed to the undiluted solution with time for best results.

Water

Water is considered as a miracle cure for almost all kinds of disorders, diseases and illnesses. Drinking plenty of water every day can effectively flush out free radicals and other harmful organisms from the body.Flushing out these impurities from the body would in turn help reduce the size of the fibroids and get rid of them eventually. It is therefore considered wise to drink at least 10 glasses of water every day to treat fibroids effectively.

Exercises

A healthy and fit body would be able to deal with fibroids automatically. Exercising regularly would aid in weight loss which in turn would affect the growth of the fibroids in addition to controlling their symptoms to a great extent. Exercising regularly can also effectively help in reducing the estrogen stores in the body.This in turn would regulate the estrogen levels in the body and prevent the occurrence of fibroids. In addition to standard exercises like walking, running, jogging, skipping and swimming, yoga and aerobics can also be considered for controlling fibroids.

6 SEX MISTAKES WOMEN MAKE

SEX PROBLEMS IN WOMEN

Ladies, be honest: when your sex life becomes a little humdrum, out comes the mental catalogue of all the ways your partner isn’t quite measuring up.  Guys tend to get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies and what turns us on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane.  And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own.  Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what you can do to get the satisfaction you so rightly deserve.

Sex Mistake

#1: Not Initiating Sex With Your Partner

Many of us worry about ladylike behavior.  We don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labeled aggressive. According to Les Parrot, professor of psychology at Seattle Pacific University and author of a new book called Crazy Good Sex, failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make. 

“Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,” he says.  Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do.

Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationships, says "Dr. Ruth," aka Ruth Westheimer, PhD, a psychosexual therapist, professor at New York University, and lecturer at Yale and Princeton universities.  “They used to think that women are less interested in sexual activity and I don’t want to say that anymore. I think there are women who are as interested in sex [as men].” 

Show your interest by taking the first step from time to time.  Your partner will likely appreciate it, and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience, something Westheimer feels strongly women must do.

Sex Mistake

#2: Worrying About What You Look Like

Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm.

“Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face,” advises Westheimer.  “Concentrate on the pleasure of the act.  You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm.”

“Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns,” Parrott says.

Helen Fisher, PhD, a cultural anthropologist at Rutgers University and author of a new book called Why Him, Why Her, says men don’t notice half the things women obsess about anyway. 

“It’s amazing what men don’t notice if you’re enthusiastic, energetic, interested in them, and flexible minded.”

According to Fisher, there is an evolutionary explanation for the selective blindness men show to our physical flaws. For Darwinian reasons, says Fisher, men are (unconsciously, of course) looking for women who are able to bear healthy babies.  Starting millions of years ago, men who attracted fertile women and had a lot of children lived on. Those who couldn’t died out.  Although maybe not as necessary today, Fisher says that primal survival mechanism lives on.

“Men are much more attracted to women who show signs of health and youth and fertility.  Rather than worry about the shape of your waist and hips, worry about your energy level and enthusiasm and interest in him,” Fisher advises.

Sex Mistake

#3: Assuming Sex Is Casual for a Man

Westheimer believes we should all let go of old-fashioned notions, such as women are not sexual or that sex is just sex to men.  “For some men, sex is a very important act.  Don’t minimize it.”

The research, says Parrott, supports the idea that both men and women find sexual intimacy in the context of a committed relationship to be more satisfying. 

“Numerous research studies make it very clear that the people who have the best quality and most frequent sex are married couples. That says a lot about the inadequacies of ‘casual sex,” Parrot says.

In a study being conducted by Fisher and her colleagues of university students engaging in one-night stands, the numbers show that men are just as serious about sex and relationships as women.  In fact, more than 50% of women and 52% of men who went into a one-night stand, according to Fisher, reported that they did so hoping to create a longer relationship.  One-third of them actually did so.  What’s the lesson? 

“Never assume that a man is not romantic,” Fisher says. “Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic.

Sex Mistake

#4: Believing He’s Always Up for Sex

Sure, most teenage boys are ready and willing just about any time you ask, but not true for men.  The pressures of everyday life -- family, work, bills -- can zap a man’s libido.  This comes as a big surprise to many women, and often his lack of interest in sex is something we take personally.

“It comes as such a shock [to women] that they just don’t believe it,” Fisher says about the reaction many women have when their partner says they aren’t in the mood for sex. “They know themselves that they are not always interested in sex but they still love the man.  But when they discover he doesn’t want to have sex, they think, ‘he doesn’t love me.’  Not true.  He just doesn’t want to have sex.”

Sex Mistake

#5: Not Giving Him Guidance

Talking very directly about sex, what we like and don’t like can make us feel uncomfortable, even with a partner we’ve been with for a long time and otherwise feel close to, says Parrott. But it’s the only way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. 

“A woman must take responsibility for her sexual encounter,” says Westheimer.  “No man can bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience.  Even the best lover can’t know what she needs without her letting him know.”

The good news, according to Fisher, is that men very much want to please women. 

“If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it,” says Fisher.  She advises women to sandwich what they don’t like in between five things they do, because he’s listening.  “You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him.  But men do listen, particularly if you’re quite clear about it.”

Sex Mistake

#6: Getting Upset When He Suggests Something New

After a couple has been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety.  Just because your man wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or your sex life.  In short: Don’t take it personally.

Still, it’s important that you tune into your comfort zone says Parrott.

“Nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality,” Parrott says.  “If your man asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why.  Of course, do this in a loving way as best you can.  If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to, again explain why.  If it is a simply a startling request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact.  Instead, let him know you need some time to think about it.”

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WHY SO MANY CAN FINDING THE ONE

“Is there 'one' person out there who I am supposed to marry? If so, how am I supposed to know when I meet them?”

When it comes to relationships, this is by far the most popular topic for conversation. In the Christian community, it goes even beyond the idea of soul mates, and supposes God Himself has hand-selected your life partner.

I have to admit, it’s a legitimate question. I have spent a good deal of time mulling over it myself. In fact, ask my friends. Nine times out of 10 I’m the one to start the discussion. The idea of "The One" is intriguing, popular, romantic and convenient. We read about it, sing about it, look for it, even pray for it.

But I’m going to ask us, collectively, to quit talking so much about "The One." Way too much time has been wasted already. Here are five reasons we need to just stop having this conversation.

1. It focuses too much on the other and not enough on ourselves.

We’re wasting so much time asking, “How do I know if he is the one?” that we forget to check and make sure we are “The One.” When it comes to love and dating, who we are becoming should absolutely, unequivocally be our primary focus. Love is not motivated by selfishness but propelled by generosity and outward thinking.

Let’s redirect our mental and emotional energy to growing in faith, maturity and integrity, becoming the men and women God has created us to be. The rest will settle itself.

2. It causes unnecessary conflict between the “heart” and the “head” part of the decision.

Most of the time when I hear a married friend describe meeting “The One,” they talk about a “when-you-know-you-know” kind of a feeling, which is good. That feeling exists. The problem? You can have that feeling for someone who isn’t “The One” you marry! Those feelings, however authentic they may be at times, are a fleeting and flexible foundation.

Choosing a spouse (or falling in love for that matter) is not a battle between our heads and our hearts. It’s a beautiful convergence of the two. We need both to make a good decision. Let’s not pit them against one another.

3. It gets us stuck.

If there is only “One” person out there who we are supposed to be with, it raises questions like: What if my spouse dies? Or leaves me for another man? Or what if I’m engaged to “The One” and he decides he doesn’t want to marry me?

Was he/she not the one? Or do I have more than one “The One”? Did God change His mind?

God is an infinitely creative Author, so it is no wonder our love stories (and life stories) would unfold in infinitely creative ways. Let’s not put limits on God’s ability to work in creative ways in our lives.

4. It tempts us to abandon personal responsibility.

I’ve heard “The One” idea used more than once as an excuse to be passive and timid, or just plain unavailable. I’m not suggesting we be someone who we aren’t, but here’s the thing:

God isn’t going to send “The One” to knock on your front door.

You play a role in your love story, too, and it probably isn’t going to be easy. God is growing you during this time as much as He is your future spouse. When you rid yourself of "The One" thinking, you realize your responsibility in carefully, prayerfully and proactively choosing someone to be with. Don't become preoccupied with this pursuit, but if you believe love and marriage is a part of your future, don't ignore it either.

5. It puts too much pressure on our dates or potential dates.

The idea of “The One” makes it easy to adopt a “Prince Charming” or “Dream Girl” mentality, where you believe some perfect someone is going to come along and meet your every need. No man or woman can live up to that standard, and if you expect them to, everyone is going to be disappointed.

Romance exists, and it is beautiful, but it is not a fairy tale. When it comes to love and companionship, are you waiting on fate, or walking in faith?

The point of love and marriage is to fully commit to one person, yes. But it is only in your hands and God's timing that a someone becomes your one. 

SEVEN TYPES OF MEN WHO WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY

If you ever start to date a man who fits one of the descriptions below, be wary: these guys come with baggage.

1. The Man Who Hates His Job

Hating your job -- where you spend the majority of your time -- is a destructive mindset which can poison a relationship. It's one thing to be mildly dissatisfied with work life while at work, but a man who is absolutely miserable at his job will spend a good amount of his free time being absolutely miserable about it as well, and that's not good.

It's important to like what you do, and if this man doesn't, why is he still doing it? Why doesn't he change his career, or advance in it, or do his best to change his attitude?

You don't want to date someone who gets stuck in an unhappy situation and doesn't do anything about it. Is this what he's going to be like if there are relationship problems down the line?

2. The Man Who's Obsessed With His Mother

He loves her, defers to her, consults her about everything, and you will never live up to her. Or conversely, he hates her, constantly complains about her, and expects you to be the complete opposite of her. Either way, there isn't enough room in a relationship for you, him, and the giant Shadow Of His Mother.

3. The Man Who Needs To Be Admired

It's not enough for you to tell him he's smart and funny and attractive. He needs to feel it and hear it from other people, too, and he's willing to work for it by constantly flirting with other people, via email, at parties, in line at the grocery store, with the waitstaff of restaurants...everywhere. Even though he won't straight out cheat, you'll never feel enough for this man, because, well, you aren't.

4. The Man Who Has Friends You Never Meet

He's always emailing, texting, or running off to see "friends," but you're never invited to come along. It's not that you suspect he's cheating on you, but a guy who compartmentalizes his life like that is clearly not ready to share it with anyone else. Either he's ashamed of you, or he's ashamed of them: either way, it's a red flag.

5. The Man Who Wants To Rescue You

For some reason, he always seems to date people who are complete basket cases, because he likes to play the hero. He loves to act as a stabilizing force, rescuing women from their situations or themselves, advising, helping, tranquilizing. The more troubled a woman is, the more attracted he feels: he needs to feel needed. But the second her life starts to get in order, he loses interest: because, without her issues to take away the focus from him, he's left with his own problems and insecurities to deal with. And that he absolutely cannot do.

6. The Man Who Puts Work First

He's late for dates because he "got caught up at work", or otherwise he's too exhausted to go out. When he's with you he's preoccupied, always solving problems in his head and itching to get back to his computer. He hasn't taken a vacation in years. He promises that things will change "once things calm down a bit at work", but they never seem to. He might really like you, he might even love you, but work is his entire life, which doesn't leave much room for a relationship with you. 7. The Man Who Can't Believe You Picked Him

At first, it's flattering and endearing that he seems to think he's so out of your league. He just can't believe that you would ever be attracted to a guy like him, such a loser. In fact, he goes on and on about this, for so long, that eventually you start to believe him.

BIBLE VERSES RELATED TO ANGER

Human anger usually doesn’t turn out well.  What are  Bible verses that are related to anger in the hopes that we can control it and it not control us?

Righteous Indignation

Jesus got angry when He encountered the duplicity and hypocrisy of the Pharisees and when He turned over the moneychangers table in the temple He shows by example that anger is okay if it is for the right reasons.  If our anger leads to sin then it is not righteous anger but if our anger makes us seek to find justice or to defend the widows, orphans, the poor or other disenfranchised people, it can actually be a good thing.  God is angry at the sinner every day as Psalm 7:11 says “God is a righteous judge, and a God who feels indignation every day” and “If a man does not repent, God will whet his sword; he has bent and readied his bow” (Psalm 7:12). God revealed His wrath which was displayed on the cross and placed on Jesus Christ for us who deserved it.  These Bible verses on wrath are intended to show us that God is always justified when He displays anger but humans frequently use it to their own hurt and to the hurt of others.

James 1:20 “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

God’s anger is due to His righteousness but the anger of man cannot produce God’s righteousness because He doesn’t usually use his anger in a righteous way and the fact that man is not righteous.  God displays His anger against sin but man often pours out his anger for inferior motives.  Maybe someone has harmed him financially or humiliated him in front of others.  These could be the result of what the man did and it may have been well deserved.  One man that I used to work for was berated at a staff meeting in front of others and he was angry but it turned out that he had been siphoning off money from the company for his own benefit and not for the good of the company.  This man got so angry that he started swearing and cussing. Did it produce the righteousness of God? No, it got him fired.

Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”

Clearly, there is a time to be angry and we can be angry for the right reason and not sin but the key is to “not let the sun go down on your anger.”  That doesn’t mean that you have to get rid of your anger by sunset but it means that it shouldn’t linger for days upon end.  If the anger doesn’t cease, you give “opportunity to the devil” to get a foothold in your life.  It’s not sin to be angry but it is to stay angry.  We can be angry when we see a child abused or someone unfairly taken advantage of but we have to turn it off and realize that God will make all things right someday so “never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom 12:19). If your anger leads to revenge or avenging something yourself, you take God’s place on the judgment seat and this shows that you don’t trust God to do justice, which He will in time…maybe not your time, but He will. Remember that God says “The Lord will judge his people” (Heb 10:30b) and the unsaved (Rev 20:11-15; Dan 12:1-3).

Proverbs 29:11 “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.”

Too often you hear of someone losing their temper and doing something drastic. I saw on TV from a security camera a man who was so outraged by a woman slipping into a parking space ahead of him he began smashing into the woman’s car over and over again.  His anger was not a righteous anger but a foolish anger and this was not wise at all because he ended up going to jail for destruction of property and endangering the life of someone (the woman who was still in the car).  The wise man or woman “keeps himself under control” because the wrath or anger of man seldom turns out well.  For the patient man, “it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov 19:11b). Was it really worth losing his freedom, paying thousands of dollars for two cars being damaged, and paying a heavy fine…just a parking space?

Proverbs 15:18 “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.”

Maybe this is why Jesus said “Blessed are the peace makers for they shall be called the children of God” (Matt 5:9).  If you want to stir up dissension, then have a “hot-tempered man” try to negotiate an argument.  The patient man will calm the quarrel because “A soft (or gentle) answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov 15:1).  A calming voice calms things down but a harsh word stirs things up.  A patient man throws water on a fire but a hot-tempered man throws gasoline on a fire to try to stop it.

Matthew 5:22 “Everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”

That’s about as serious as it gets.  Anyone that hates their brother is liable to the judgment of God.  If that weren’t clear enough, John writes that “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:15). Jesus doesn’t narrow it down to Christians or the unsaved.  No, He says this to “Everyone!”

Psalm 37:8 “Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”

Here is a clear, imperative command from the Bible to refrain from anger and wrath because it only leads to evil, which we have already read about in the previous verses.  To “fret not” means “don’t worry” in the context of not worrying about things, especially those things that are out of our control, and not letting anger and wrath get the best of you because only bad can come from it, you can count on that.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 “Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools.”

The seventh Bible verse on anger is to not be “quick in your spirit to become angry” which means, don’t have a hair-trigger or a trigger finger on your wrath because anger rests in the heart of fools.  If anger is resting in the heart this means that it’s really a heart issue and that person who has that anger needs to repent of it and pray for God’s forgiveness.

Conclusion

We all get angry from time to time but we are commanded to “not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:30-31).  If we let anger build up and let the sun go down on our anger, we give the Devil and opportunity to do evil in our lives. This grieves the Holy Spirit.  Instead, we should be tenderhearted, forgiving, and kindhearted because “God in Christ forgave” us.  Can we not do the same for others?

MARRIAGE COMMUNICATION: HOW DOES IT WORK?

A good marriage thrives on the open exchange of emotion, desires, and beliefs. In fact, communication is one of the most important aspects of a satisfying marriage. Most marriages go through rough times, which can change the way spouses communicate with each other. Many couples develop bad habits and create destructive patterns when things aren’t going well.

How Does Communication Work?

Many people in troubled marriages say, “We just don’t communicate anymore.” Most likely, they mean to say that they don’t communicate effectively anymore. The truth is that people are communicating all the time. Even two people giving each other the silent treatment are communicating with each other.

This article will focus on five common pathways of communication within marriage:

the context of the situationnonverbal physical expression (behavior, facial expressions, gestures, etc)spoken or written communicationtouchemotion

It’s easy just to focus on words, but that’s only a fraction of the information couples share back and forth. In the next section, you’ll read an example of a potentially difficult situation for a married couple. Look for all the different ways information is being communicated in the story below.

Marriage Communication: Is Yours Effective?

We are constantly giving out signals that other people can pick up. Your family can usually tell when you are stressed out, relaxed, happy, or sad. You may not have to say a word to convey a message accurately. Take a look at the following example to understand this better.

You suddenly don’t feel well in the middle of the afternoon. You notice you have a runny nose and you feel really tired. You lay down on the couch, thinking you might just need a quick nap to help you feel better. Your spouse is initially upset to find the house messy when he or she comes home from work. But once he or she sees you lying on the couch asleep with a box of tissues next to you, his or her entire demeanor and understanding of the situation instantly changes.

You had been giving out the same “I’m sick” messages all afternoon while no one else was home. Once your spouse came in the door, he or she was able to pick up your messages and process them. He or she was forming a long list of complaints while walking in the door, but tossed them aside after seeing you on the couch.

Let’s see what happens when the situation becomes more complex. What if you and your spouse were selling your house and you were expecting visitors shortly after your spouse got home from work? Would leaving you to sleep really be the best decision? The bigger context of the situation would probably cause your spouse to go against his or her initial feelings of compassion and wake you up anyway.

Without waking you up, they may not know how sick you really are. You’d have to give them more verbal information to clarify your situation. If it seemed you were too sick to clean up in time, you and your spouse might decide to postpone the house-showing appointment. If you felt a lot better and you worked together quickly, the appointment might be saved. In this case, waking you would be the most compassionate move because something bigger would be at stake.

Different Types of Communication Happening All At Once

So what kinds of communication happened in the above situation? The first messages your spouse would have received were nonverbal. Your normal behavior would be to have a clean house, and since this didn’t happen your spouse could conclude something was wrong. Instead of being awake as expected, you were asleep. You also had a box of tissues nearby. These are signals that told your spouse a lot before you were even conscious.

Once your spouse woke you, they would have seen a tired, miserable expression on your face. Don’t underestimate the power of facial expressions. Many people don’t realize how much information gets shared in this way alone. And finally, you would have provided detailed information about how you felt. Your description would have told how things went downhill during the afternoon, leading you to take an unexpectedly long nap on the couch.

Your spouse can come to his or her own conclusions by using all of these clues together. If your spouse trusts how your words and behaviors match, they can move forward with you. Your spouse may have some frustration about changing the appointment, but they will also have a clear sense of empathy for your sudden illness.

How Poor Marriage Communication Changes The Whole Picture

If you and your spouse had poor communication, this situation might have a very different outcome. Frustration, mistrust, tension, and defensiveness can intensify your conflict.

Your spouse might be very upset that you didn’t call, or might think you could be faking or exaggerating your illness.

You might believe your spouse is just looking for ways to put you down, even when you clearly don’t feel well and didn’t expect to sleep so long. Poor communication skills can perpetuate destructive patterns. You’ll find it difficult to work through emotions and solve problems.

Remember how many troubled couples say they aren’t communicating? It’s easy to see how this just isn’t true. You and your spouse are communicating all the time, even when things aren’t going well. The problem lies with the way people pick up on messages and respond to them. Each spouse has the responsibility to be as accurate as possible when communicating.

Marriage Communication Is Complex: Learning More

Communication is a lot more complex than most people believe. It can be challenging to juggle all the information coming at you. When you are calm, take a closer look at a typical fight between you and your spouse. Try to pick out the different types of information you are giving your spouse during the conflict. Take what you learn and do something different the next time this fight happens.

Better yet, sit down with your spouse when you are both calm and talk about your communication problems for that fight (not the topic itself). This can open up a whole new understanding of the problem for both of you. Keep learning about the way you communicate to get your marriage moving in the right direction.

THE DANGER OF PRIDE

Of all the sins, pride is probably the most subtle and the most dangerous. Pride is a trap to those in the ministry, and it is one we need to be constantly on our guard to avoid. It is the sin by which Satan fell, and he is an expert at deceiving even the godliest of men to fall into its trap.

It seems that the more we are accomplishing for God and the greater "our" ministry becomes, the more susceptible we are to the trap of pride. What starts out to be a work for God's glory, can quickly and easily turn into something that is bringing glory only to one's self.

This is especially true in today's Christian culture, where so much focus is placed on big name ministers. Nobody listens to a Christian radio program, or television show without knowing who it is they are listening to. No pastor who cares for his congregation opens his pulpit to someone he isn't sure is both godly and anointed. So many opportunities rest on having a "name."

Any minister desires to preach to bigger congregations, in order to impact more people for the Lord. To have those doors open usually means having people recognize who you are. That in itself isn't bad; but the step from there to allowing that recognition to puff you up in pride is a very small one.

Pride says, "Look at me, look at who I am, look at what I'm doing." While this might be useful in the sense of gaining the attention of people so that we can tell them about the Lord, it is clearly not the means that God wants us to use.

We have been instructed by the Lord to lift Him up, so that He can draw all men unto Himself (Jn 12:32); not to lift up ourselves so that we can draw men to Him.

Pride is a sin. It is one of the sins that we inflict upon ourselves, which can cause us to become a stench in the nostrils of our God. It is not caused by anyone else, only by ourselves. We can't even blame Satan for putting this temptation in our way.

And he (Jesus) said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth (makes impure) the man. 21For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, 22Thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye (stinginess), blasphemy, pride, foolishness:

Mark 7:20-22 notations are mine

Take another look at that list. Jesus has placed pride in the same category as blasphemy, adultery, murder and covetousness. That's a pretty heavy list of sins He's listed and pride is right in there amongst them.

According to God, pride defiles us. That's an interesting word, defile. It means to make unclean, or impure. It is the same word that is used to describe someone who has ignored the command to observe the sabbath day (Ex 31:14). It is also used to describe the rape of Dinah, the daughter of Jacob (Gen 34:2).

In Leviticus 11:43, God uses both the words defile and abominable to describe a person who breaks part of the law. So, when we defile ourselves, we are an abomination before the eyes of God.

In Leviticus 11:44, God tells us to sanctify ourselves (separate from the system of the world) and be holy as He is holy. He goes on in the same verse to say we are not to defile ourselves. Or, we are not to do anything that will make us impure. Pride, as a sin, defiles us, or makes us unholy and unsanctified.

However, God doesn't stop there, by letting us know that pride defiles us. He wants to be sure that we understand, so He tells us He hates pride:

These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him: 17 A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, 18 An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, 19 A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.

Prov 6:16

Considering all the commandments that can be broken and all the sins that exist, it is surprising that only seven things are listed here as abominations to the Lord. As you may have noticed, pride is the first of those seven. In reality, each of the others in that list can be seen as a result of pride.

Every one that is proud in heart is an abomination to the LORD: though hand join in hand, he shall not be unpunished.

Prov 16:5

The abomination called pride always leads to some sort of punishment. God will not allow His people, especially His ministers to continue in pride. He will always find a way to cause that person to fall and to be humbled.

In fact, the pride itself will cause the person to be brought down. Many times, God does not need to humble a person, because through pride, the person will place themselves in a position where they will fall. When we are full of pride, we think we are better than others are, incapable of being wrong, even incapable of sin. That is the first step in the trap Satan has constructed for the proud.

A man's pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.

Prov:29:23

A proud person is like a blind man; although there may be a great hole in the road before him, he can't see it. Too often, it isn't until that person falls into the hole that they realize there is anything wrong.

Pride also brings about contention and causes people to put others down. I don't know how many times I have heard a believer, or even a minister, put down another for doing something they have done themselves. I'm not talking about baby Christians here, I'm talking about mature believers that should know better.

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

Prov 13:10

Look at that verse again. It says "only by pride cometh contention." Nothing else causes contention and strife among believers, only pride.

When we look at the Body of Christ today, we see constant bickering and lack of unity. Each group, denomination, or church thinks they are better than the other, having a greater understanding of the Word of God, and being better able to fulfill God's plan. Almost everyone in the church today looks at some other group of believers and talks about how THEY are wrong.

Yet, we can only have this attitude when we are so sure of ourselves, so full of pride, that we know we can't be wrong. How can we be the united Body of Christ when we are all looking down upon each other.

For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ... 14 For the body is not one member, but many... 18 But now hath God set the members every one of them in the body, as it hath pleased him... 22 Nay, much more those members of the body, which seem to be more feeble, are necessary: 23 And those members of the body, which we think to be less honourable, upon these we bestow more abundant honour; and our uncomely parts have more abundant comeliness. 24 For our comely parts have no need: but God hath tempered the body together, having given more abundant honour to that part which lacked: 25 That there should be no schism in the body; but that the members should have the same care one for another.

1 Cor 12:12-25

This Body of Christ cannot exist in pride, only when we all look to each other, realizing the value of each believer, and start to thank God for them. Pride, more than anything else, is destroying the Church of today.

True humility, on the other hand, is a character trait that God is looking for in us. He has called us to be humble. Not in a false way, but in the way of accepting what He says of us, and placing ourselves in His hands.

Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Matt 18:4

But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

James 4:6

Why does the Lord say to be humble like a child? Because children don't know how to puff themselves up in pride. They need time to learn this ability from the adults in their lives. Children only know how to be themselves, and are quick to accept what their parents say that they are. We too must be quick to accept what our Father says we are.

When somebody first accepts the Lord, they are like a child. Every time there is an altar call, they are the first ones up there, ready to receive, ready to repent, ready for whatever.

BIRTH CONTROL

Natural Methods

This section covers Natural birth control methods, withdrawal and abstinence.

Natural birth control methods teach women to determine the fertile phase (typically 7 to 10 days long) of their menstrual cycle. To avoid pregnancy, women avoid intercourse on fertile days.

There are many variations of natural birth control. The most effective methods teach women to chart the signs of fertility that ebb and flow with the natural hormonal changes of each menstrual cycle. There are two main approaches 1) the sympto-thermal approach where waking temperature and cervical mucus are charted, and 2) the mucus approach where only cervical mucus is charted.

It is helpful for women and their partners to know about the two most common methods:Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) refers to a natural birth control method outside of a religious framework that supports the use of barrier methods (condom, diaphragm, and spermicide), emergency contraception, and abortion. Justisse is a Canadian developed variant of FAM that teaches both the mucus only and the sympto-thermal approaches.Natural Family Planning (NFP) typically refers to natural birth control that is taught and practised within a religious framework, most commonly Catholic centred organizations. It does not support the use of barrier methods, emergency contraception, or abortion. Billings Ovulation Method teaches only mucus observations. Serena and Couple to Couple League methods are sympto-thermal NFP variants. The Creighton Model will teach both mucus only and sympto-thermal approaches.How natural birth control works

The FAM/NFP sympto-thermal method is explained below.  It is considered the most effective of all the natural birth control methods.

Sympto-thermal teaches a woman how to observe, chart and interpret her waking temperature (basal body temperature or BBT) and cervical mucus to understand what days she is fertile and what days she is not fertile. She then knows when she is likely and when she is less likely to become pregnant from intercourse.

A woman who has a regular menstrual cycle will usually experience the following sequence of events:

3 to 7 days of menstruationseveral days where she does not feel or see mucus in her vagina or on her vulvaseveral days of a ‘wet’ or ‘slippery’ sensation at her vulva or in the vagina where she sees and/or feels mucus, which becomes progressively more slippery, stretchy, and clear as ovulation approachesafter ovulation her waking temperature rises, mucus disappears from the vulva, and the vulva and vagina feel “drier

Fertile days begin with the first sensation of mucus at the vulva and continue until both the mucus has dried up and the waking temperature has been high for 3 days in a row.  With days of higher fertility and lower fertility determined, a woman can time intercourse to avoid or achieve pregnancy.

If a woman’s cycle does not follow a typical pattern, using natural birth control will be more difficult.  However, she can still use natural birth control but she is advised to seek consultation with a trained FAM/NFP instructor in order to use the method most effectively.  In general, FAM/NFP are not recommended for women with the following difficulties:  irregular cycles, inability to interpret the fertility signs correctly, or persistent infections that affect the signs of fertility.

Cervical changes are a third fertility sign that a woman may find useful in determining her fertility. She checks for variations in the position, firmness and openness of the cervix that relate to fertile and infertile days.

Effectiveness

In order to effectively use FAM/NFP a woman needs to accept responsibility for charting and interpreting her fertility on a day-to-day basis. The possibility of an unplanned pregnancy should not represent a devastating occurrence in order to use this method of family planning.  As with all forms of birth control, motivation, intention, and cooperation between partners are the key to effective, successful use.

Successful use of FAM/NFP methods depends on the accuracy of the method in identifying the woman’s actual fertile window, a woman’s/couple’s ability to correctly identify the fertile time, and  the couple’s ability to follow the instructions of the method they are using.  The effectiveness of FAM/NFP(Strauss and Barbieri 2004, Hatcher 2004.) varies depending on the method:

95-98% effective with perfect use (user strictly follows rules to avoid pregnancy) 75-88% for typical use (user may not always follow rules)Benefits of FAM/NFPEffective method of birth control Has no negative health side effects An alternative for women who cannot or do not want to use hormonal methods Promotes positive body awareness Consistent with many religious beliefs and lifestyles Alerts women to reproductive health and fertility concerns Fosters communication between partners Encourages partners to enjoy a variety of romantic or sexual activities as alternatives to vaginal intercourse during fertile periods Encourages male involvementDisadvantages OF FAM/NFPProvides no protection from sexually transmitted infections Often difficult to find trained FAM/NFP instructors Requires time to learn (usually 3 to 6 cycles) Requires discipline and commitment to chart fertility signs and follow the rules to avoid pregnancy Times of abstinence from intercourse may be a challenge for some couplesOther Natural MethodsLactational Amenorrhea Method (LAM)

Lactational Amenorrhea Method (LAM) is used by a woman who has just given birth and is exclusively breastfeeding. This method is highly effective for the first six months after childbirth, provided the woman breastfeeds the baby at least every four hours during the day and every six hours through the night, and that her menstrual period has not yet returned. After six months fertility may return at any time.

Temperature Method

In the Temperature Method a woman takes her waking temperature to identify a rise in temperature indicating ovulation has passed. Elevated waking temperature for three days in a row is considered confirmation of the post-ovulatory less fertile phase.

Rhythm (Calendar) Method

Rhythm (Calendar) Method is a much less effective natural birth control method. It predicts a woman’s fertile days using calculations based on the length of past cycles and not daily observations of fertility signs as used by FAM/NFP. The Standard Days Method/Cycle Bead Systemis a variation of the Rhythm Method. These are the least effective natural birth control methods and are not generally recommended.

Withdrawal

In this contraceptive method, the man withdraws his penis from a woman’s vagina before ejaculation. Both partners must be in agreement on this method, and must be prepared to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, which can occur in 1 out of 5 users.

Benefits

Put simply, withdrawal is better than nothing. If you rely on withdrawal as your primary method of birth control, there is a good chance of having an unplanned pregnancy. Unless you are prepared to deal with that possibility, it is highly recommended that you put off intercourse until some other form of contraception can be obtained.

Disadvantages

This method isn’t very effective because there may be sperm in the pre-ejaculate, which can lead to pregnancy. It also requires a lot of self-control and practice. Studies show a failure rate of 19% in typical users. Withdrawal also offers no protection from STIs.

What to know

Talk to your partner about it first. Since withdrawal is risky and requires practice, you may want to consider using a condom and spermicide first until you’re REALLY sure you have the hang of it.

Troubleshooting

The most common problem with withdrawal is that the guy pulls out too late. If that happens, contact your doctor or head for the nearest family planning clinic as soon as possible to obtain emergency contraception.

Abstinence

Abstinence is a fancy word for choosing not to do something. A person can choose to abstain at any point in their life, even if they haven’t abstained in the past.

Sexual Abstinence can mean choosing to abstain from different levelsof sexual activity. Here are a couple of possible definitions of sexual abstinence between two consenting people:

avoiding vaginal intercourse (penis to vagina sex)avoiding vaginal, oral (mouth to penis or vagina sex) and anal intercourse (penis to anus sex)avoiding genital contact (any type of direct touching of the partner’s penis or vagina).When is abstinence (avoidance of vaginal penetration) an acceptable form of contraception?

Avoidance of vaginal intercourse is very effective for preventing unwanted pregnancy and still allows a couple to be involved in other forms of sexual expression. However, if a secondary goal is to avoid sexually transmitted infection, then oral-genital sex and other activities that expose the partner to pre-ejaculatory fluid, semen, cervical-vaginal secretions or blood must be avoided unless the partner is known to be free of any possible infectious agents.

AdvantagesMinimal risk of misuseFreedom from the threat of STI and HIV infection, if no exchange of body fluids occursNo physical side effectsNo need to visit a health care providerNo cost, unless condoms and dams are used for oral-genital sexDisadvantages

There are no disadvantages of abstinence if a couple is able to maintain a fulfilling relationship without the need for penetrative sex. When couples choose this approach they are wise to become knowledgeable about contraceptive alternatives and to have barrier methods available in the event that they decide to have penetrative sexual intercourse at some later date. 

"SHOULD A CHRISTIAN CONTINUE SPANKING HIS/HER CHILDREN IF IT IS ILLEGAL?"

The subject of spanking is a divisive one, even among Christians. Several countries have banned the corporal punishment of children, yet many parents consider spanking an essential tool in discipline. When the law forbids spanking, the question arises—if spanking is illegal, do parents have the God-given right to continue to use corporal punishment to discipline their children?

When the subject of spanking is broached, it must be assumed that the corporal punishment in question does not occur in an abusive way. It is not extreme nor given in anger, but proportionate to the offense and part of a loving, responsible relationship. And the fact is, spanking is efficient and can be very effective. Some children respond to spanking quickly and completely when all other types of punishment fail. Parents of a strong-willed three-year-old who loves to run out into the street understand they have two choices: spank promptly to curb the dangerous behavior right away, or confine their child to a strictly controlled environment that may disrupt the entire family and restrict the child from more pleasant activities.

The Bible neither explicitly demands nor forbids the spanking of children. (Although the "rod" ofProverbs 13:24could refer to reproof in general, corporal punishment cannot be excluded as an option.) Firm, decisive discipline is vital to the well-being of a child. It provides guidance and wisdom the child will need later in life. Fathers in the New Testament bear a responsibility to rear their children “in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Mode of discipline is not specified.

Christian families in many nations in Europe and even on U.S. military bases are faced with the challenge of disciplining their children without the option of spanking / corporal punishment. Parents who believe that spanking is a God-ordained practice necessary for the rearing of their child may spank privately, disregarding the ban as a matter of civil disobedience. Other parents may choose not to spank, submitting to their civil authority and trusting that God is wise enough to lead them to discipline in other ways.

Both options have their merits. When rearing a fearless and stubborn three-year-old, spanking may seem like the only safe and responsible option. In most cases, however, spanking is not the only option; alternatives can be found. Non-corporal punishment will most likely require a great deal more effort, time, and commitment, but it can be effective as well. God knows His children well. May we know our children well enough to know how best to discipline them with patience, perseverance, and love.

"WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO 'SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD'?"

The phrase “spare the rod, spoil the child” comes fromProverbs 13:24, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” The Lord uses discipline to reveal our sin to us. This is also how parents reveal the truth of our need for a Savior to their children. When a child does not feel the consequence of his sin, he will not understand that sin requires punishment. The Lord provides a way to salvation and forgiveness through Jesus, but that means little to those who do not see their sin.

Furthermore, correction shows us that we are not above reproach and that we are accountable for our actions. Our natural pride blinds us to our need for a Savior, and discipline reveals the truth of our wretchedness (Revelation 3:17). Since salvation is the most important choice the child will ever make, it is imperative that parents are leading them to Christ, and discipline is critical to this process.Proverbs 23:13says, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.” In the context of verse 13-14, “die” means spiritual death of hell. Children who respect authority and feel sorrow for their sin are much more likely to ask Jesus to forgive them and be saved.

All children are born sinful (Romans 5:12-19). Their natural self is destructive and unrighteous. That does not mean they aren’t infinitely valuable and worthy of love (Psalm 127:3). It means that they are not born with any natural “goodness” in them. That is why all children need discipline.Proverbs 22:15says “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” Discipline is critical for wisdom (Proverbs 29:15), and a child who obeys his parents will be wise (Proverbs 13:1). And even adults who do not heed correction will feel the consequences of their foolishness (Proverbs 10:13).

Some people believe in discipline, but not in physical discipline such as spanking. However, the Bible is the final word on what is truth; it is not mere opinion or theory. The word “rod” indicates a thin stick or switch that can be used to give a small amount of physical pain with no lasting physical injury. A child should never be bruised, injured, or cut by a physical correction. The Bible warns that parents should never abuse the power and authority they have over their children while they are young because it provokes the children to righteous anger (Ephesians 6:4;Colossians 3:21). Physical discipline is always done in love, never as a vent to the parent’s frustration. It is also just one part of discipline and should be used when the child shows defiance to a clear limit, not in the heat of the moment.

God instructs parents to parent their children the way He parents His children.Hebrews 12:5-11tells us that God disciplines those whom He loves to perfect their righteousness. God only disciplines His own, which proves that Christians are His beloved children. Notice that David says that the Lord’s rod comforts him in his time of trouble (Psalm 23:4).

Finally, we know that no discipline feels good while it is happening, but afterwards the rewards are rich (Hebrews 12:11). Godly character, fruit of the spirit, and peace are rewards of God’s discipline. The same is true for our human children. Children who have learned how to take responsibility for their actions are much happier people (Proverbs 3:11-18). The importance of the rod of correction is that it steers the heart of a child toward Jesus and forgiveness of sin He offers. When parents trust God’s methods over their own, they will see the blessings for their children and themselves.

HOW SHOULD CHRISTIANS DISCIPLINE THEIR CHILDREN? WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY?"

How to best discipline children can be a difficult task to learn, but it is crucially important. Some claim that physical discipline (corporal punishment) such as spanking is the only method the Bible supports. Others insist that “time-outs” and other punishments that do not involve physical discipline are far more effective. What does the Bible say? The Bible teaches that physical discipline is appropriate, beneficial, and necessary.

Do not misunderstand—we are by no means advocating child abuse. A child should never be disciplined physically to the extent that it causes actual physical damage. According to the Bible, though, the appropriate and restrained physical discipline of children is a good thing and contributes to the well-being and correct upbringing of the child.

Many Scriptures do in fact promote physical discipline. “Don't fail to correct your children. They won't die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death” (Proverbs 23:13-14; see also 13:24; 22:15; 20:30). The Bible strongly stresses the importance of discipline; it is something we must all have in order to be productive people, and it is much more easily learned when we are young. Children who are not disciplined often grow up rebellious, have no respect for authority, and as a result find it difficult to willingly obey and follow God. God Himself uses discipline to correct us and lead us down the right path and to encourage repentance for our wrong actions (Psalm 94:12;Proverbs 1:7;6:23;12:1;13:1;15:5;Isaiah 38:16;Hebrews 12:9).

In order to apply discipline correctly and according to biblical principles, parents must be familiar with the scriptural advice regarding discipline. The book of Proverbs contains plentiful wisdom regarding the rearing of children, such as, “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother” (Proverbs 29:15). This verse outlines the consequences of not disciplining a child—the parents are disgraced. Of course, discipline must have as its goal the good of the child and must never be used to justify the abuse and mistreatment of children. Never should it be used to vent anger or frustration.

Discipline is used to correct and train people to go in the right way. “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11). God's discipline is loving, as should it be between parent and child. Physical discipline should never be used to cause lasting physical harm or pain. Physical punishment should always be followed immediately by comforting the child with assurance that he/she is loved. These moments are the perfect time to teach a child that God disciplines us because He loves us and that, as parents, we do the same for our children.

Can other forms of discipline, such as “time-outs,” be used instead of physical discipline? Some parents find that their children do not respond well to physical discipline. Some parents find that “time-outs,” grounding, and/or taking something away from the children is more effective in encouraging behavioral change. If that is indeed the case, by all means, a parent should employ the methods that best produce the needed behavioral change. While the Bible undeniably advocates physical discipline, the Bible is more concerned with the goal of building godly character than it is in the precise method used to produce that goal.

Making this issue even more difficult is the fact that governments are beginning to classify all manner of physical discipline as child abuse. Many parents do not spank their children for fear of being reported to the government and risk having their children taken away. What should parents do if a government has made physical discipline of children illegal? According toRomans 13:1-7, parents should submit to the government. A government should never contradict God’s Word, and physical discipline is, biblically speaking, in the best interest of children. However, keeping children in families in which they will at least receive some discipline is far better than losing children to the “care” of the government.

InEphesians 6:4, fathers are told not to exasperate their children. Instead, they are to bring them up in God’s ways. Raising a child in the “training and instruction of the Lord” includes restrained, corrective, and, yes, loving physical discipline.