STARTING THE NEW YEAR RIGHT

The beginning of a new year is a popular marker for people to stop, evaluate their lives, and resolve to do better in the new year. Resolutions are made about diet, exercise, spending, family relationships, and work habits. All too often, within days of making a resolution, it has already been broken and the new year ends up a repeat of the previous year.

Why not begin the new year by involving the Lord in the process? He has a dream for your life, and by involving Him in the equation, you will be closer to fulfilling that dream. The Lord told the prophet Jeremiah: “Call to Me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things which you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3; NIV). He told David: “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you” (Psalm 32:8; NIV). If we will call to Him asking what He wants for the new year, He will show you and guide you.

Try this. Sit down with your Bible and a notepad, and ask the Lord to reveal to you what He would like for you to work on during the new year. Write down what comes into your mind. Write down any Scriptures He gives you. Ask Him to show you specifics to work on and who else should be included. Then share with a spiritual accountability partner what you believe the Lord wants you to do. You will be surprised at how He will lead you if you will take the time to ask and listen!!

I have found He has given me specifics about how to better love those around me; how I need to prioritize my time; how to budget my limited resources; when to implement new goals; and how to take care of this body I have been given. I am constantly amazed at how the Lord will speak specifically into my life – if I will take the time to seek Him, listen, and then write it down.

Remember the words of Jesus in Luke 11:9f – “So I say to you: Ask and it will given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (NIV). Start the new year off right by inviting God into your process.

"WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT TRANSFORMATION?"

In the Bible transformation means “change or renewal from a life that no longer conforms to the ways of the world to one that pleases God” (Romans 12:2). This is accomplished by the renewing of our minds, an inward spiritual transformation that will manifest itself in outward actions. The Bible presents the transformed life in Christ as demonstrated through our “bearing fruit in every good work [and] growing in the knowledge of God” (Colossians 1:10). Transformation involves those who were once far from God being “drawn near” to Him through the blood of Christ (Ephesians 2:13).

Moreover, evidence of transformation within us is seen in the way we increasingly reflect the likeness and glory of Christ (2 Corinthians 3:18). For as the apostle Paul said, “You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ” (Romans 8:9). To be considered as children of God, we must be led by the Spirit of God. And it is through the power of God’s Spirit that Christ lives within us. The transformed life mirrors the attitude of the apostle Paul: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

This power of transformation comes from one source. Paul said, “For the message of the cross [the gospel] is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18). In speaking of Jesus, the apostle Peter, empowered by the Holy Spirit, boldly declared this truth: “Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

Transformed lives begin with the gospel message of Christ, for in it is the power of God. It is the gospel that brings us salvation: “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For in the gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written: ‘The righteous will live by faith’” (Romans 1:16-17).

Through the gospel message of Christ, we learn “to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:22-24). “For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God” (Romans 8:13-14).

Just before he died, the apostle Peter provided us specific instructions on how we are to live out our transformed lives: “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness ... for if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 1:3-11).

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR HUSBANDS HAVING AN AFFAIR

If you’ve landed at this post, it’s likely because you just discovered your husband is having an affair. I’m so, so sorry.

It’s a cliche to say “it could happen to anyone”, but I do believe that’s true. While affairs may be more likely to happen in relationships that are distant, that have unresolved conflict, or that have tension sexually, they’re not confined to those relationships. A while ago I wrote how emotional affairs especially can pop up at work, or anywhere men and women naturally spend extended time together. Sometimes people in even good marriages do terrible things.

I remember being stunned when a neighbour of mine announced that her husband was leaving her for another woman. This was a family that did everything together–skiing trips, volunteer work. They had even taken a sabbatical and taken their kids sailing around the world! They were “Family”. Yet the husband met somebody at work, and devastated his wife and his kids in the process.

I have seen affairs happen after couples have put a lot of work into their relationships, and I have seen affairs when the relationship was already a mess. It isn’t always straightforward.

And so today I’d like to talk to the women who find themselves devastated because they’ve discovered their husband’s infidelity (and even if you’re not there, please read along, because chances are all of us know someone who will walk through this one day).

1. Surround Yourself with Help

You’re going to be devastated when your husband confesses he’s having an affair. Sometimes we don’t want to tell anyone because we’re hoping it will all go away; he’ll wake up and realize what a mistake he’s making, and then we can just go forward like nothing happened. Don’t do that. You really need some help. You need someone to talk with, and someone to pray with, and someone who will support you in your feelings.

When you feel sad and betrayed, you tend to want to go to your husband with those feelings because he’s usually the one you talk to about important things. Find someone else. You need to get some perspective.

2. Realize That Just Because Your Husband Is Having an Affair NOW, Your Marriage is Not Necessarily Over

Here’s the most important thing: while Jesus allowed divorce in the case of infidelity, he did not command it. And I know many couples who have survived affairs and emerged strong from it (I won’t say they’ve emerged better, because I don’t believe that; but I do think that God brought good out of the situation and helped them cling together).

One couple I know ended up separating for a year and a half. He needed some time to get his head on straight, and once he did, he realized he didn’t want to lose his family–he chose his wife over the “other woman”. It took several years for his wife to trust him again, but she was eventually able to. That was over fourteen years ago now, and they’re doing great.

Sometimes, too, affairs haven’t even been consummated. Maybe he’s announced that he’s “in love” with someone, and doesn’t know what to do. Physical affairs often begin asemotional affairs, and if he feels “in love”, he may think he needs to confess. But that doesn’t mean that he will necessarily act on it.

That’s why it’s important to look at the individual situation. Is your husband following Christ? Is he open to the Holy Spirit? Is this out of character for him, or is it another in a long line of affairs? Does he check out every woman and make comments about women’s appearance, or has he generally stayed faithful in mind and body beforehand?

Sometimes an affair will signal the end of the marriage, especially if a guy never really has been fully faithful. But other times it’s a mistake that he’s made, and he’s really confused, and really hurting, and it won’t mean that the marriage is over. So do not despair!

 

3. Take Stock of Your Anger

Now it’s time to deal with the anger that you’re feeling. In some cases, it’s not the affair that leads to the divorce; it’s the anger of the other partner. He confesses, and a big part of him wants the marriage to work, even if he can’t bring himself to say that because he’s so confused. But in her anger she pushes him away and decides that she can never trust him again.

Anger is real. Anger is even justified, I believe, when someone has betrayed you like that. But don’t make decisions in your anger, and, as much as possible, try not to push him away because of your anger. Talk to someone else about your anger. Try to work through it with a mentor. Anger is not a good partner for making decisions.

4. Focus on the Children

When you’re both confused and hurt, the thing that it’s easy to talk about is the affair itself. How could he do this? Why her? Is she better than me?

While there is a time and a place for that, it’s often better to work through the whys and the hows of the affair after you’ve made the decision whether or not you’re going to stay together.

So let’s talk about something on which you have common ground, and which can rescue the relationship: namely, the children. I wrote a post a while back on what to say to a friendwho is contemplating leaving her husband. And I suggested that you steer clear of taking about the affair, because the unfaithful spouse can always justify that in his or her mind. So focus on the kids instead. Do we really want to do this to the kids? Do we want to put them through this?

Talk about what you’d like for the kids, and how you’d like them to grow up. And then perhaps it will be easier for him to choose to stay.

5. Don’t Be a Doormat

 

Finally, don’t be a doormat. While some women react in anger, others do the opposite, essentially saying, “I’ll do anything as long as you stay.” That’s not healthy for the relationship, and it’s likely to backfire, for one simple reason: you can’t respect a doormat. In order for him to stay, he has to want to be with you. He isn’t going to want to be with someone he can’t respect.

THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE SERIES PART 2 : FINDING YOUR MATE

What are some things that happen before the actual wedding day? What leads up to the big proposal? These questions are the subject of this part of the "Christian Marriage" series of studies. I hope to provide useful information to those who intend on getting married or would like information to help them plan for a marriage. We are going to talk about finding the "right" mate in this part of the series.

WHY SHOULD YOU MARRY?

Why should we bother to get married? Why can't men and women simply live together have children and live happily ever after? Well this is actually possible but not biblically sound nor socially constructive to the child's development. Two people marry because they are committed to each other. Marriage is usually the next progression in a relationship after courting. Marriage is by far one of the most serious decisions that you will have to make in your life. Is this the person for me? How do I know if I should marry this person? These questions race through your head even if you do feel comfortable about the person. Only time will tell however.

Marriage is desirable because of the stability it provides for the family, even if that family is just the husband and wife. This of course assumes a good marriage. Marriage can also prove to be very beneficial to the development of the man and woman as they purportedly pursue dreams and goals together. Marriage by nature is a good thing however; having a good marriage is a whole different ballgame and will require a lot of work by both the husband and the wife.

Why Marry a Certain Person?

You are in a relationship with someone and the thought of marriage is in the air.  Why should you marry this person?  People get married for many reasons.  In part one we discussed that love is one reason why people get married and we found that love alone is insufficient for marital bonding.  People also get married for the following reasons:

They produce a child out of wedlockA sense of security that their spouse will provide (such as financial security)Need a father or mother for childrenProspects or the continuation of good sexThe pride of linking with such a person (supermodel type)

Here is where the problem starts for many.  Simply said, they marry or pursue the "wrong" person and/or for the wrong reasons.  Choosing the right mate is extremely important to increase the probability of a productive and successful marriage.  I think that it is commonly believed that if a woman has a child out of wedlock then that women and the father of the child should get married.  On the surface this sounds logical, however logic will not produce a successful marriage.  Instead the marriage will be in trouble from the very beginning unless the two really have a genuine love for each other, have a strong relationship, and are really willing to commit to each other for life.  A marriage resulting from this type of circumstance is a marriage based on duty and not commitment and will not necessarily produce a good Christian marriage. This doesn't mean that such marriages can be successful. I am only saying that a child before marriage should not be the sole reason for two people to be married.

Getting married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person can be devastating. This may result in the man, woman, or both living the rest of their life in misery. Their marriage may end in separation or divorce. Worse, they may never separate and simply live a miserable unfaithful existence with each other.

Basically, you would decide to marry a specific person if you believe in your heart that you will commit yourself to him or her. You love her, care about her (or him), and you want to live the rest of your life joined with this person so you pursue marriage. Technically, you marry someone because you want to. You may find that marriage may one day appear as the next step or natural progression in your relationship.

How do you know if this is the right person? The truth of the matter is that you won't. How would you know whether to take one job over another? Similarly, you won't. Only time will reveal whether or not you probably made the "right" decision. Of course having a good marriage involves a lot of work on both parts so even marrying the "right" person doesn't guarantee a good marriage. So the bottom line is to do all you can to choose the right person for you and to continue to nurture your relationship after the wedding day to increase your chances of having a wonderful marriage.

FINDING THE RIGHT MATE

How do you know when you have found the person that you should marry?  Some say that you should just trust God to lead that special person to you or lead you to him or her.  Others believe that God will show you your spouse when you meet him or her.   I believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle.  Let me explain.   Let's look at what the Bible says about acquiring a spouse.

(Proverbs 18:22 NIV) He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

I would like to focus in on the word "finds."  This implies that the man searches for the wife.  Also note that the one who finds a wife, which is good, receives favor from the Lord.  In other words, finding a good wife is an indication that a man has received grace of favor from God.  Let me show you another scripture that applies to the principle that I am trying to share.

(Psalms 1:3 NIV) He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.

Again we see how God blesses what we do.  A man will seek a wife and will find one.  God blesses the man's activities by him finding a wife.  Now there are a lot of other scriptures that I can quote that further illustrate the concept I am trying to relay to you.  However, instead of quoting them let me simply reference them for you to review at your convenience.  See also the following:

Psalm 119:105-The word of God can direct us as we search for a wife (application of this scripture)

Matthew 7:7-We will find a wife if we seek (application of this scripture)

Joshua 1:8-The importance of God's word and success and prosperity (an application of this scripture)

The point that I want to make is that I believe that a wife is not going to simply drop out of the sky.  It is very unlikely that you can go on with your life and do nothing to look for a wife and then expect one to show up.  I believe the same principle applies to women looking for husbands as well.  How is this so?  Isn't it the man's job to pursue the woman? I don't believe this is entirely true. Yes a man will pursue the woman of his dreams, however, the woman should also pursue the man of her dreams. The man and the woman will respectively pursue in different ways but both will still pursue.

I believe that the spouse must be pursued both before marriage and after the wedding day (as we stated in part 1).   This pursuit is active and involves many things that you may take for granted.   In order for you to find a good wife (or husband for the woman), that potential spouse must somehow catch your attention.  This leads us to the realm of attractiveness. 

Attractiveness

It is first necessary to be attracted to someone or be attractive to someone in order to connect with a possible mate. Now here is were some go very wrong and end up entering a relationship that results in disaster. Many men become interested in a certain woman because she looks "FINE!"  He may like her general appearance, her nice legs, her breasts, her smile, her arms, or her behind.  Basically a man may become interested in a woman because of her physical attraction and likewise a woman may become interested in a man because of his physical attraction.   I must say that the attraction of a man to a woman tends to be different in some respects.  A man does not care what kind of car a woman drives or if she drives a car at all.  However, woman, based on the information that I have gathered, will consider the type of car a man drives or if he drives at all. This is based on what the man and woman want in a relationship respectively.

There is more to attractiveness than physical attraction.  Many men, including myself, find woman interesting who are of course generally fit and healthy and who are intellectually stimulating.  There is also the general aura of the other person.   There is much more to a human being then just flesh and blood.  I believe that there is a life force, which some call Chi or Ki.  Some may think of this life force and associate it with the aura of a person or energy that emanates from the person.   We can sense these things and react to them, usually subconsciously.  I recall Pastor Blumentoe explaining this to us (Bible class students).  She asked us if we had ever met someone and, for no reason at all, felt uncomfortable or comfortable about that person?  She said that this reaction could have been the result of our response to their life force or spirit.  I tend to agree, however, I don't want to get into a discussion on that topic at this time, especially since it is very subjective.

There may be many things that can induce a person to become interested in another in the area of male female relationships.  There is physical and intellectual attractiveness.  Physical attractiveness is more than being pretty or handsome.   It involves good grooming and good hygiene.  A beautiful person does not have to look like a supermodel.  Beauty comes from within and radiates outward.  External beauty is only a cover that does not indicate what's inside.  For example, a brand new body on a car with a corroded engine and torn seats is not a good car to have.  However, a clean car with a good paint job with a working engine and clean seats is more desirable.  My point is not to narrow your scope for a possible mate by looks alone.

It is a very dangerous thing to enter and pursue a relationship with someone because they have a great body and is the prettiest thing you ever saw.  What's inside?   Be sensitive to who the person really is and not just what he or she looks like.   Looking for the tall dark and handsome man or the 36-24-36 women is no guarantee whatsoever of a good and lasting marriage.  Learn to be attracted to the whole person.  Probe the person for signs.  For example, does the guy that you are interested in, ladies, seem to always catch himself before he is about to say what sounds like a curse word?  Does this person always want to be alone and in private with you or always wants to go to a bar?  These are signs of other things that are lingering below the camouflage of the outer appearance and smooth talk.

Attractiveness is a quality of the whole person. What attracts me may not attract you. Some men like skinny women while others like big ones. Some woman like hulk men while others like lean guys. You have to realize that what attracts you may not be attractive to someone else, which means that someone else's opinion about your new found "friend" may be invalid.

There are some general things that you can do to be attractive. Be yourself in good condition. If you are a sloppy person with bad hygiene then you will not likely attract many people. I believe it is important that you take care of yourself by looking your best all of the time. We will see that this is a neglected aspect once marriage has been entered. That is, we may think that it is OK to let ourselves go once we are married. Here are some things that lead to attractiveness.

Physically fit (we can't deny the importance of this)Good groomingGood languageGood hygiene (don't smell bad and brush your teeth, etc.)Wear nice and clean clothesLook your best all of the time

If you are an abrasive person then don't put up a front to appear passive. There are men that find abrasive women attractive. If you put up a front and attract a man that is turned off by abrasive women then you have just created a very bad situation, which began with deceit.

Attractiveness also deals with your character and demeanor. Are you an honest person, hard working person, rude person, etc.? Do you exhibit self-control and are you up front about yourself? The type of person you present yourself to be will greatly influence whom you attract and vice versa.

COMPATIBILITY

You must realize that you are looking for a spouse and that spouse will be with you for the rest of your life.  Therefore, you should take special care in entering a relationship with anyone.  The union between a man and a woman is not merely a physical one.  There should be compatibility between the two that indicates the possibility of a successful marriage.  You can see very quickly here that good looks and good sex will not lead to a successful and prosperous life together in marriage.  Do not let sexual or psychological infatuation or romantic delusion lead you to get married.  This may lead to a very unhappy marriage.

The Bible tells us that the husband and the wife form one flesh (Genesis 2:24).   Simply getting married does not form this one flesh. There must be an oneness or unity between the two before the wedding day!  This means that the two has to be compatible.  What is this compatibility?  Consider the following scripture.

2 Corinthians 6:14 through 2 Corinthians 6:15 (NCV)14You are not the same as those who do not believe. So do not join yourselves to them. Good and bad do not belong together. Light and darkness cannot share together. 15How can Christ and Belial, the devil, have any agreement? What can a believer have together with a nonbeliever?

I choose the New Century Version of the Bible because I really liked the way this scripture was worded, which is consistent with the actual meaning. Basically, two people should be compatible before they enter into a binding relationship whether that relationship is marriage, friendship, or business partner.

The best, if not only, way to determine compatibility is to inquire and observe. Ask questions and observe how your "friend" behaves and responds to situations. What church does he or she attend and what clubs does he or she belong to. Answers to these and similar probing questions will greatly help you determine compatibility.

Born Again

The most fundamental compatibility in a Christian marriage is that both the husband and wife are Christians themselves and not as a result of the relationship.  I believe that your mate should have been a Christian before you met him or her else there may be suspicion that he or she only profess to be a Christian in order to win you over.  A professed Christian is not a born again Christian.  A professed Christian is simply someone who has gone through the motions that the church requires and claims to be a Christian.  So your potential mate should be a Christian already, at least ideally.

Note that finding someone in a church service is no guarantee that he or she is a Christian.  Only examining that person and prayer will help to determine if the person is really a Christian or not.  The Bible tells us that we should not be unequally yoked (joined in any binding relationship) with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).  Though this scripture is not exclusively referring to marriage, it does apply just the same.  In general a Christian should not enter into any binding relationship with a non-Christian on a personal level (else we would have to leave this Earth).  For example, you shouldn't marry someone that is not a Christian and you should not enter into a business partnership with someone that is a non-believer.

The Family and the Past

What is the person's family like?  What significant events occurred in the person's past that would leave you doubtful of a successful marriage?  Was the person a drug addict right before you met?  Did the person quit drinking or doing drugs in order to be accepted by you?  What does your observation of the family tell you about the person (consider you will be marrying into that family)?  The answers to these questions are clues or information that you can use later when you decide whether or not you want to pursue the relationship for marriage any further. However, just because someone did drugs when they were younger should not be a reason to drop them from your interests.  I know people that did drugs in their youth and are now powerful men and women for God.

I am trying to emphasize the importance of knowing the environment that your potential spouse came from.  Know something about the family.  Know your mate's relationship with his or her family and immediate past.  Having this information can help you plan on building a strong relationship before and after the marriage. 

I believe that there should be some compatibility between the two families. Why is this important? The family that you grew up in has a great influence on the way you operate. Therefore, if you operate one way and your "friend" operates another then many days of misunderstanding and miscommunications are waiting for you. Compatible family helps to ensure that both of you operate in a similar manner. For example, if you grew up in a family that treasures the development of the family unit and your possible mate grew up in a family that thought very little about the unity of a family then there could be a lot of friction between you and your friend if you get married. At the very least you should know what you might be getting into.

Religious Doctrine

What is the religious background of your mate besides the fact that he or she is a Christian?  Again it is important that a Christian marriage be between two Christians.  However, even if both are Christians there can still be some major differences that could lead to incompatibility.  There are major differences between denominations and even among churches in the same denomination.  So know as much as you can about your mate's religious convictions and teachings, which could greatly influence your marriage and family life if you were to marry.

Some things you may want to look for are the type of church your friend attends if at all, the beliefs of his or her church, how dedicated he or she is to their church, etc. Don't count a person out just because he or she doesn't attend a church. There could be a valid reason for such since I too was in a state where I didn't want to have anything to do with church tough my love for God didn't waver.

Educational Differences

Incompatibilities can occur between two people with vastly different levels of education.  This lends itself to communications, which we will discuss later in this study.  A highly educated person may find it difficult to communicate with someone not as educated.  For example, a woman that is a doctor may find it difficult to relate to a man that is a truck driver.  This doesn't mean that a highly educated person shouldn't marry a less educated person.  It does mean that there is another opportunity for a communications gap, which can be addressed and resolved if you know about it. 

Culture and Social Environment

Cultural and social differences are yet another opportunity for incompatibility due to difficulties in communicating with each other.  Consider the cultural differences of the family you may potentially marry into and your family.  Cultural differences are a major hurdle in any relationship because of the differences in communication and interpretation of gestures.  Try to be aware of the cultural and social environment that your mate comes from.  This will help the both of you develop a way, for lack of a better word, to get along.

Of significant importance is the type of lifestyle that your mate comes from.  Is he or she a country or a city person?  Differences here might lead to communications challenges in addition to incompatibility is lifestyle goals and family activities.

Nationality differences are very significant when dealing with culture.  For example, I am sure you can see the vast differences between the culture of a black man and a Chinese woman.  Stress may also develop with national concerns as well.  For example, marital stress may develop if the country of your spouse is suddenly considered an enemy of the United States (or your country) and vice versa.  I am sure you can see the stress that may result in this situation both internally and from without.

Does this mean that you should only marry someone with the same culture, social environment, and nationality as yourself?  No!  I am only presenting some things that may cause problems in a marriage later in that marriage.  Knowing these things up front gives you and your mate the opportunity to develop ways to deal with these differences and situations.

Racial Differences

We cannot neglect the impact of racial differences in a marriage.  Racial differences include social, cultural, and sometimes nationality concerns.  Should a black man marry a white woman and vice versa.  There are some who believe that people should marry within their racial boundaries and others believe that it doesn't matter.   I am one of those who believe that race in itself should not be a factor in a marriage relationship or any relationship for that matter.  However, what we must consider is the impact of the racial differences in a marriage.  How do both families feel about an interracial marriage?  Though the man leaves mother and father to be with his wife, it is important that he knows ahead of time the feelings that his family has for an interracial marriage.  The same holds true for the woman.

The only impact that race has on a marriage, in my opinion, is the differences between the races regarding culture and the like.  For example, black people tend to eat different types of food then white people.  A black man who marries a white woman should realize that chances are that his wife will not cook like mom or like himself.  Again, these are only things that need to be looked at before marriage so that they can be dealt with before the wedding day.  However, race in itself should not be a factor in marriage.   You may realize that you may be ostracized or ridiculed by your family and friends.   However, you may decide that you just don't care and will not let their problems with interracial marriages interfere with your love and devotion to your mate/spouse.

In general, interracial marriages can invite trouble.  The trouble usually stems from other people's opinions and perceptions.  As I said, the first line of trouble or milestone is the differences between the methods of doing things between the two.  The second line of trouble is external.  Both can strain the marriage greatly.   However, if the husband and wife are aware of these then they are more prepared to deal with it and not let it affect their love and devotion to each other.  They will work through all of those hard times and they will triumph over the prejudice and snickering by family and friends. 

Personality Differences

What type of person is your mate?  Past all of the infatuation, what kind of person is your mate?  What personality does he or she have?  Knowing this can only come by getting to know your mate personally and intimately.  This is one reason, if not the major reason, that I believe in a long courtship.  Is your spouse carefree and you are cautious?  Know these things up front. 

Lust of the Flesh?

Do you lust after your mate?  Are you more interested in the other person's body or the prospects of sex than in a personal relationship?  Is your goal the body or the person?  Do you see yourself being satisfied sexually, economically, emotionally, and securely by this other person?  If these are the reason for pursuing a relationship then you are headed straight for trouble.  Soon the infatuation WILL wear off.  Soon your mate will not look as great as she or he did when you first met.   Soon you may see someone else that you lust for.  Then what will you do?   You will begin to think of your marriage with contempt because you are not happy and your happiness resides in that other person that you lust for.  Lust is not a viable reason for marriage. 

The word lust means to have a strong craving or desire for. Lust usually refers to a strong sexual desire or craving for someone (of the opposite sex). In itself lust is a great thing in a marriage, assuming it is not the foundation of the marriage since your great craving is for your own spouse.  It is great when you see a beautiful looking woman that has a great body and at the same time feelings for your wife arises.   That is the greatest feeling in the whole world and it takes quite a bit of effort to get to that point.  There is a saying that men use when they see good-looking women and gives her a second glance and at the same time someone is commenting on his noticing the other women.  The saying is "I am married not dead."   There are many beautiful people on this earth both men and women.  There are many women that simply look great and there are men that simply look great to a woman.   I would be foolish to say that my wife is the only good looking woman on Earth.   That would be a lie and it would set me up for a lot of trouble when a good-looking woman is in the area. Since your relationship is not based on lust and you don't base your relationships on lust, then seeing someone that looks good is not a problem. Just remember Matthew 5:28.

Therefore, what I have done is to learn to lust after my wife--if I can say it that way without seeming sacrilegious.  I desire her and no one else.  Any sexual stimulation that may arise in my flesh from observing any woman is automatically diverted to my wife.  I worked hard to develop a strong sexual relationship with my wife so I have no problem knowing that there is good, fresh, and safe water in my own cistern (SeeProverbs 5:15).  My point is that lust should not be the reason for marriage.

THE PERFECT MATE--NOT!

It is easy to believe that you will marry the perfect spouse.  You will marry that tall dark and handsome--and rich--man that will take all of your troubles away and you will live happily ever after.  If you pursue that FANTASY then you are setting yourself up for a great marital failure.  You may not even survive the courtship if it is long enough.  A man may think that he will find a wife that is 36-24-36 and will give him great pleasure in bed and looks like an angel.  Again.  You too are setting yourself up for marital failure.  Yes it may just so happen that you marry an aerobics instructor or someone who looks like one but that has nothing to do with a successful marriage except in compatibility issues (A health conscious person may find it difficult to relate to a health apathetic person).  In general do not pursue the perfect mate.  He or she does not exist.

Humans are not perfect.  Therefore, you will not find the perfect mate.   Humans have flaws and you will have to learn to live with personality flaws and other perceived flaws.  Perfection is relative anyway when we consider the level of perception we normally operate at.  A man may consider a woman to be a perfect 10 if she has a great body and a great face.  That is so far from true perfection that it is pitiful that people are judged in such a way.  I have seen couples where the woman looks absolutely great and yet she and her husband do not get along.  One would say that good sex should solve the whole problem.  One would think that the fact that she looks so good would give the husband reason to compromise to keep her.  However, the looks are unimportant after disillusionment sets in.  That is why her great looks aren't enough to sway him consistently.

So again there is no perfect person.  There is no perfect mate so you should not look for him or her.  Perfection is relative.  Therefore you should try to find, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the right mate FOR YOU!

CONCLUSION

Actively look for your mate. Don't expect him or her to drop out of the sky as a gift from God. Seek and you shall find. Present yourself attractively at all times. Always look your best and be yourself. Don't put up fronts because you may attract the wrong person. Seriously evaluate compatibility issues before you commit to a relationship. You may find that your friend is not compatible enough for a life long commitment.

Make a decision of whether you want to pursue a serious relationship after you have gathered information about your potential spouse. The relationship may end at mere friendship or it may blossom into the desire to marriage. Know as much about the person before you commit so as to greatly improve your chances of having a prosperous marriage. Again, find your mate and don't just expect him or her to just show up at your door one day.

GOD’S ’S KIND OF LOVE IN MARRIAGE

There are very few things in our world today that were ever a part of God’s perfect plan for mankind. The elaborate government systems, with all their checks and balances and laws, would not be necessary if it were not for the corruption that sin produced. The monetary system, with all the buying and selling, would not be necessary in a sinless world that did unto others as they would have others do unto them. And many other things that we consider institutions in our society were never intended by God, but simply are ways of trying to cope with and control the perversion that entered the world through sin.

But one thing that God established while man was still in a sinless condition and said that it was not good for man to do without was marriage. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet [or sufficient] for him.” A perfect man who had none of the pressures or problems that we know of today still was not complete without a mate. And it was not Adam who approached God about the situation and asked for a companion. Adam didn’t know what he was missing! It was God who initiated the whole thing because that was His perfect plan. This all emphasizes the high priority that marriage should have in our lives. However, it has not usually held that position.

Even we Christians today have put very little effort into our marriages, and therefore, we have gotten very little out of them. We have had our vision of what a blessing God intended marriage to be, dulled by the sorry examples of marriage we see around us today. Second Corinthians 10:12 says, “But they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” This is what has happened over the years. Most couples have no idea of what God intended marriage to be, so they settle for the same substandard relations that they see others experiencing. They think conflict is just a part of marriage; and a couple that simply coexists without outward battles is considered to be an ideal couple, although that couple may have a cold war raging. After all, everybody is having trouble with their marriages today.

Well, I am pleased to announce that not everybody is having trouble with their marriages today! The Lord is moving mightily in this area, and regardless of what the rest of the world experiences, Christians can have God’s best in their homes. God instituted marriage, so He certainly knows how to make it work properly. The only reason two out of three marriages in America end up in divorce is because the people involved don’t follow the instructions God gave concerning marriage. It is that simple. The solution is not easy, but it is that simple.

What does God say about marriage? From Ephesians 5:22-33, we get quite a bit of instruction. This article doesn’t allow us enough space to deal with everything these scriptures minister concerning marriage, but certainly one principle that is interwoven throughout them all is love: God’s kind of love. It is important that you realize that God’s institution of marriage will only work with God’s kind of love.

In counseling hundreds of couples, I have found that many Christians, even those baptized with the Holy Ghost, are still operating toward each other with the same carnal love they had before they were Christians. In many cases, they have started trying to apply God’s love to their brothers and sisters in the body and have developed a “burden for the lost,” but are virtually the same in their relationships with their mates. God’s kind of love has to be applied to our marriages too.

One of the most striking differences to me between the world’s love and God’s kind of love is that you can teach yourself to operate in God’s love. Titus 2:4 says that the older women are to teach the younger women “to love their husbands, to love their children.” Carnal love is completely motivated by the emotions or senses, but God’s love comes from the heart, and although the feelings are definitely affected, they don’t motivate or deter God’s love.

Carnal love is characterized by a naked, little, fat boy who goes around shooting people with arrows to cause them to “fall” in love or to “fall” out of love. That simply is not true love. God’s love is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That is the way God is (Heb. 13:8) and God is love (1 John 4:8). People who love one minute and then their mood changes and they act the opposite way the next minute, simply don’t operate in God’s love. You may feel like reacting in anger, but you can choose to operate in love.

Many people are confused about this and think, I can’t act like I love them when I don’t feel it. Oh, yes you can! God’s Word tells us to even love our enemies (Matt. 5:44). It is a command. He didn’t say to do it if you felt like it. If you will choose to do what God tells you to, your feelings will follow. You can teach yourself to love with God’s kind of love.

A person who is truly born again desires to do what God says but doesn’t always feel like it. Our feelings have been corrupted by our old lives before we came to Christ. Now that we are in Christ, we have His promise that our spirits have been totally changed (2 Cor. 5:17) and have become like Him. Galatians 5:22 says that love is a part of the fruit of the Spirit. This is specifically speaking of the Holy Spirit; but our new man was born of the Spirit, so it has to be true that God’s love has been shed abroad in our spirits too. We do have God’s love in our new man. Our feelings are not automatically changed, however. Our feelings will continue to act like they were taught to act until we subdue them and bring them under the control of our spirit man. It is not hypocritical to act in love when you don’t feel it. It is actually hypocritical to act on what you feel instead of who you really are in Christ Jesus.

God’s kind of love is a choice that you make on the basis of what God said, and then act on it in faith until it becomes a reality in your spirit, soul, and body.

If you can receive this basic truth about God’s love, then you can begin to be consistent in your love to your mate because your love is based on a choice that you have made, not on the way they act. This is the root cause of nearly all strife in marriage. Everything is fine until one partner does something wrong to the other, and then the feathers fly. Aren’t you glad that God doesn’t treat us that way? Romans 5:8 says, “God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Praise God! God’s love wasn’t based upon what we had done for Him or what we deserved but upon His choice to love us. That is all! We didn’t do anything to merit God’s love. He just chose to give it. We can choose to receive that kind of love and then give it to others in the same way.

Another way to say this is that God’s love is unconditional. Jesus didn’t wait until we were worth it or had repented before He gave Himself for our sins. He gave Himself for us while we were yet sinners and living a life of rebellion against Him (Rom. 5:8). His love was extended toward Hitler just as much as it was toward us. The difference is our acceptance or rejection of it not His offer of love. God’s love is unconditional.

We have to put this unconditional love of God to work in our marriages. If you live with a person for any length of time at all, you are going to find fault with them. If your love isn’t unconditional, then you will begin to give them what they deserve, which is trouble. And you can rest assured that when you make a mistake, you will reap what you have sown.

I used to work in a dark room in a photography studio. We had a joke about these ladies who would come in to see their proofs and just throw a fit about how bad their pictures looked. They would say, “This picture doesn’t do me justice!” Our answer would be, “Lady, you don’t need justice, you need mercy.” That’s the way it is in marriage. Our mates, who see us at our worst, have to give us mercy, not justice. Failure in this area is the root of most marriage problems. Many couples actually use their conditional love as a weapon to try and motivate their mates to do things. That will destroy a marriage. If the thing that keeps your mate in line is a fear of your exploding if they mess up, then you are tormenting them. That’s what 1 John 4:18 says, “Fear hath torment.” You may see some results through that method, but it’s a fact that you are building resentment and rejection in them, and sooner or later, it will explode. God’s love is unconditional.

LOVE IS FOR GIVING, NOT FOR GETTING

What is love and where is it found? We search for love and try to get love, and yet it seems like we never get enough. Even when we have found love, it can slip away as time passes. What if there is a source of love that never fades and is always available? What if love is as near and easy as breathing? What if we have been “looking for love in all the wrong places” instead of actually lacking love?

Love is both simpler and more mysterious and subtle than we have imagined it to be. Love is very simply the spacious, open attention of our awareness. Awareness itself is the gentlest, kindest, and most intimate force in the world. It touches things without impinging on them. It holds all of our experience but doesn’t hold it down or hold it back. And yet, inherent in awareness is a pull to connect and even merge with the object of our awareness.

It is this seemingly contradictory nature of awareness—the completely open and allowing nature of awareness and its passionate pull to blend with and even become the object of its attention—that gives life its depth and sweetness. There is nothing more satisfying than this delicious dilemma of being both apart from and at the same time connected to something we see, hear, or feel.

Awareness is the beginning of all separation. Prior to awareness, there is just “oneness” or “is-ness,” with nothing separate from the oneness that would be able to experience it. With the birth of awareness, there is the subtle distinction of two things: that which is aware and the object of awareness. And yet, those two are still connected by this mysterious force we are calling awareness, or love.

This flow of awareness and love that connects us to all we experience is the true source of satisfaction and joy. We have all experienced it to some degree. Whenever you fall in love with a person, pet, piece of music, or beautiful object, you have felt this flow of intimate, connected awareness. Unfortunately, we have been taught to believe that the source of this good feeling was in the object of our affection. So, we suffered whenever we lost our apparent source. When our lover leaves, our beloved pet dies, the concert ends, or the bank repossesses our dream home, we feel bereft of that loving, connected feeling.

But what if we are the source of the awareness that connects us to everything? What if the love we have been seeking has always been right here inside our own hearts? What if it doesn’t really matter what our awareness is touching, but only that there is awareness flowing? That would profoundly simplify the search for love. Anything or any experience would be a suitable object for our love.

The sweetness of love is in the flow of awareness itself. The completely allowing openness and freedom we might look for from a perfect lover is already here in our own awareness. It doesn’t have to try to be accepting because awareness is by nature open and allowing. Awareness by itself cannot do anything but touch. Awareness cannot push or pull or demand something from or limit the freedom of what it touches. And yet, awareness is not an aloof distant observer. Awareness is deeply and intimately connected to the object of awareness. In fact, awareness and the object of awareness are ultimately the same thing.

This connection and intimacy that is natural in awareness is satisfying and fulfilling regardless of the object of awareness. In other words, whatever you are experiencing right now is your true love. Whatever you are experiencing is an opportunity to also experience the depth of your true nature as open, loving awareness. Your true nature is true love. It is the perfect lover you have been seeking, and not only is it always here, but that is who you really are.

You might be thinking, “But wait, I don’t feel like I am in love or loving all the time. Sometimes I feel lonely or angry and cut off from love and satisfaction.” So how can it be that love is here, but we don’t feel it? Is love really absent in those moments, or is it just limited in its expression and flow? Are there really moments when there is no awareness? Or is there always some awareness even if there isn’t a lot? If there truly was no awareness, then there would be no problem because awareness is the beginning of separation, and the end of awareness is the end of separation. Practically speaking, without awareness, there cannot be loneliness, anger, or anything else. So when you are lonely or angry, there is at least some awareness, although possibly not much.

Even when awareness is contracted and tight, as it often is when we are lonely, angry, sad, hurt, or afraid, the awareness has the same nature as when we are happy and excited. Even a single drop of water is still wet, and even a single drop of awareness is still open and allowing of whatever it is touching. The only trick to experiencing the open and allowing nature of awareness is to look for it in the actual experience you are having. When our awareness is contracted by judgment or fear, it is not actually touching the object of our judgment or fear. Instead, it is touching the judgmental or fearful thought we are having. Awareness is completely allowing and open to that thought. That is the definition of awareness: it is the open and allowing recognition of the content of our experience. If awareness is not open to something, then we are not aware of it.

The key to experiencing love is to notice where awareness is flowing right now. That flow of awareness is love, and it is the most satisfying and nourishing thing we can experience. There is naturally a direction to this flow of awareness. It moves from within our being to the objects and experiences we are having. We can only fully experience this flow of aware love as it moves in this direction.

When someone else is lovingly aware of us (not of their judgments or desires regarding us, but simply of us as we are), we can experience the outer expression of their love. We can see the way they are looking at us, the smile on their face, and the responsiveness of their reactions to us. But the awareness of us is arising in them. The love is flowing from them towards us, and so it is filling them with this sense of satisfaction and joy. If we are to feel satisfaction and joy, it will depend on whether we are experiencing a flow of love towards them. It is our own open awareness that fills us with that sense of connection and appreciation. We are filled with love when we are giving it to someone or something else.

Obviously it can be easier to open your heart and allow a fuller expression of your own love when the requirements of your conditioning are being met. When someone who matches your ideal for a lover is exhibiting attraction and interest in you, it is often especially easy to give them that same openness and attention in return. So naturally, when two people are falling in love, they are both feeling the fullness and richness of the free flow of awareness. Yet the contact each person has with the love is within themselves. It is their own love and awareness that is filling them up so richly.

This truth, that we are filled with love when we love someone or something else instead of when we are loved, can free us from the search for love outside of ourselves. If you are still not sure that it is your own love that fills you, think of a time when someone else was in love with you, but you were not in love with that person. The flow of loving attention towards you was not satisfying, in fact it could have been uncomfortable having someone so interested in you when you were not feeling the same way.

In contrast, when we are falling in love with someone, it can be rich, exciting, and energizing, even if it is not reciprocated. There is an intensity and beauty even in unrequited love. It is the outward flow of love that is filling us in that moment. So, along with the disappointment and hurt of not being loved back, we also experience a fullness and aliveness just from loving the other. In the Renaissance, unrequited love was even seen as an ideal. It is the love flowing out from our heart that fills us with joy and satisfaction. The source is within you.

There is just one awareness and one Being behind all the individual awarenesses. The way we as can reach that oneness of Being is by experiencing the flow of love from within our being. Paradoxically, the place where you are connected to others is inside your own heart. You cannot really connect to another externally. Even if you used super glue to attach yourself to another person, there would still be a sense of separation in your outer experience, not to mention how hard they might be trying to disconnect!

On the inside, you are already connected to everyone and everything. The connection is this flow of awareness that is here right now reading these words. It is in the loving nature of awareness that the sense of connection is found, not in the objects of awareness. We are connected to others in the awareness flowing from within us to them. Connection is not found in the flow of awareness and love towards us as, by definition, that flow is connected to its source inside the other person.

This is good news! We can experience limitless love no matter what anyone else is doing. The only thing that matters is how much we are loving, not how much we are loved. Right now you can be filled to overflowing with the incredible sweetness of love, just by giving awareness to anything and everything that is present in your experience. Don’t take my word for it, test it out:

Exercise: Allow your awareness to settle on a physical object nearby. Take an extra moment to allow your awareness to fully touch the object. Just for the sake of this experiment, give as much love, appreciation, and acceptance as you can to that object. Then notice another object. As your awareness rests for a moment on that, give it as much love, appreciation, and acceptance as you can.

Now allow your awareness to notice a sound in your environment. As you listen, give that same loving appreciation to the sound you are hearing.

If you have any difficulty giving love and appreciation to a particular object or sound, try another object or sound. It will be easier at first to experience loving something for no particular reason if you pick a more neutral object or sound.

Continue allowing your awareness to land on various objects, sounds, colors, tastes, smells, and sensations. With each one, allow as much love and appreciation to flow towards it as you can. Take as long as you like with each experience, and if it is difficult to feel love towards something, just move on. It will get easier to love for no reason as you repeat this exercise.

Now notice other things that may be arising within you: an uncomfortable sensation, a thought, a feeling, or a desire. Take an extra moment to send loving attention towards it. Just for now, you can love each sensation, thought, feeling and desire that appears within you.

As you get the hang of this, you can just allow your awareness to move naturally to whatever it touches next, either inside or outside of you. Whatever it lands on, give it love and acceptance. Just for a moment, let it be the way it is.

What is it like to give simple awareness and love over and over to things that appear in your experience? How open and full does your heart feel when you are able to give love in this way? If you come to something that is difficult to love or accept, just notice that it is difficult and then love that it is difficult right now. You can even take a moment to simply love the way some things are harder to love than others. Then move on to whatever is in awareness next.

Just go ahead and love whatever is in front of you, and in that way be filled with love. It is that simple if you remember that the essence of love is awareness and space. The ideal human lover is someone who gives you lots of space to just be yourself but somehow connects with you as you are. Awareness is like that. It doesn’t limit the object of its awareness, but it makes contact.

Awareness is easy to give, and it doesn’t cost anything or deplete you in any way. We sometimes withhold love and awareness because we think that true love requires more than this simple, open attention. Our conditioning suggests that love requires things like compromise, sacrifice, and unconditional giving of our time and effort. Perhaps some of these are necessary for a relationship, but not for the essence of love.

This is an important distinction, as we sometimes confuse love and relationship, which is another example of how our conditioning leads us to believe that the outer object of our love is also the source of our love. If we recognize that the true source of love is within us, then relationship can be seen in perspective. Relationships are important, but they are not as important as the essence of love. This is clear when you consider how a relationship without love is not satisfying, but the experience of this inner flow of love is satisfying either with or without a relationship. You can experience it with a beautiful object of art in a museum, a moving piece of music, an exciting moment in a sporting activity, or in the deep connection of a relationship with another person. The love is what makes relationships and everything else worthwhile.

What a rich possibility: that all of the love you have ever wanted is available right now, just by giving it to everything you encounter both within you and in the environment. Love is for giving, not for getting. And the more you give, the more fully it fills your heart to overflowing

"WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT PORNOGRAPHY?"

By far, the most searched for terms on the internet are related to pornography. Pornography is rampant in the world today. Perhaps more than anything else, Satan has succeeded in twisting and perverting sex. He has taken what is good and right (loving sex between a husband and wife) and replaced it with lust, pornography, adultery, rape, and homosexuality. Pornography can be the first step on a very slippery slope of ever-increasing wickedness and immorality (Romans 6:19). The addictive nature of pornography is well documented. Just as a drug user must consume greater and more powerful quantities of drugs to achieve the same “high,” pornography drags a person deeper and deeper into hard-core sexual addictions and ungodly desires. 

The three main categories of sin are the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (1 John 2:16). Pornography definitely causes us to lust after flesh, and it is undeniably a lust of the eyes. Pornography definitely does not qualify as one of the things we are to think about, according toPhilippians 4:8. Pornography is addictive (1 Corinthians 6:12; 2 Peter 2:19), and destructive (Proverbs 6:25-28; Ezekiel 20:30;Ephesians 4:19). Lusting after other people in our minds, which is the essence of pornography, is offensive to God (Matthew 5:28). When habitual devotion to pornography characterizes a person’s life and he continues in sin without seeking help, making no attempt to stop, or feeling no desire to change his behavior, it demonstrates the person may not be saved (1 Corinthians 6:9).

For those involved in pornography, God can and will give the victory. Are you involved with pornography and desire freedom from it? Here are some steps to victory: 1) Confess your sin to God (1 John 1:9). 2) Ask God to cleanse, renew, and transform your mind (Romans 12:2). 3) Ask God to fill your mind with Philippians 4:8. 4) Learn to possess your body in holiness (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4). 5) Understand the proper meaning of sex and rely on your spouse alone to meet that need (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). 6) Realize that if you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (Galatians 5:16). 7) Take practical steps to reduce your exposure to graphic images. Install pornography blockers on your computer, limit television and video usage, and find another Christian who will pray for you and help keep you accountable.

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR TEMPER?"

Many people struggle with a quick or fiery temper. Although society often encourages people to express themselves and not hold back, God’s Word teaches that giving in to one’s temper is a sin.

The Bible has a lot to say about the importance of controlling one’s temper. It calls a person who easily loses his temper a “fool” (Proverbs 29:11; Ecclesiastes 7:9) and describes someone who cannot control himself as a “city whose walls are broken down” (Proverbs 25:28). A person with a hot temper is often at odds with those around him, becoming easily offended and lashing out in anger for even the smallest slight (Proverbs 15:18a). As children of God, we are called to love others (John 13:35;Ephesians 4:2, 31-32) and to be at peace (James 1:19; Proverbs 19:11; James 3:17-18). “Love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). A person who maintains a calm, even temper is quicker to forgive and better able to live peaceably with others (Proverbs 15:1, 8b; 12:16; 19:11).

With the Holy Spirit in our lives, we will show the fruit of His work inside us. Some of thefruits of the Spirit are peace, patience, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23)—these are essential to controlling the tendency to lose our temper. In fact, the Greek word translated “patience” (“longsuffering” in the KJV) carries the idea of “long-burning,” as in having a long fuse. As we grow in Christ, we should continue to deal appropriately with anger (no short fuses!) and react with love and patience (Colossians 3:8).

We may often feel justified in losing our temper, particularly when someone has hurt or offended us. But we are instructed to forgive (Matthew 5:44; 6:12; 18:21–22), not yield to anger or seek vengeance. It is ultimately God’s prerogative to punish evildoers (Deuteronomy 32:35; Romans 12:19). For an example of this forgiveness, we need only look to Jesus. When He was hanging on the cross, crucified for sins He did not commit, He did not release His wrath on the perpetrators. Instead, He asked God the Father to forgive them (Luke 23:34).

It’s important to note that anger is a valid emotion and is not always sinful. God allows for “righteous anger,” which is anger with the proper focus, the proper motivation, the proper control, the proper duration, and the proper result. Our problem is that our temper is often motivated by selfishness and directed toward other people instead of toward sin. That’s why God tells us to “let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) . . . be banished from you” (Ephesians 4:31, AMP). With God’s help, we can keep our temper in check.

BREAKING ADDICTIONS

UPROOTING ADDICTIONS

Addictions are something that plagues many people today, whether addiction to food, sex, drugs, alcohol, smoking, spending, masturbation, porn, etc. Some inexperienced deliverance ministers might go after a spirit of addiction, which may bring freedom, but more often than not, it doesn't bring lasting freedom. Many times there is a root that needs to be pulled up, along side casting out any residing spirits that are holding the person in bondage to the addiction. Getting to the root of the addiction is the key to bringing a person lasting genuine freedom. I am going to address the most common roots to addictions, and hopefully give you an idea of how this particular type of bondage works so that you can minister lasting freedom to those caught up in this type of bondage.

We are all created with a basic need to be loved. God created us to both give and receive love, but though damaged emotions, our capacity to receive love can be dramatically hindered. Ignorance of God's love will also hinder us from receiving the great and glorious love that He has for us. The root of most addictive behaviors is a lack of love being received by that person. Many of us have been damaged emotionally by rejection, abandonment, abuse, etc., and thereby our capacity to receive love has been reduced. Only an emotionally healthy person is capable of both giving and receiving love as God intended.

Self-worth issues can hinder love

Self-worth issues are rooted in believing that we are not worthy or deserve to be loved. When we believe that we are unlovable, we will unconsciously reject any love that comes our way. We won't believe the love, because we believe in our hearts that we are not worthy. Self worth issues are all rooted in our failing to see who we really are in Christ.

If you walked into a gallery of world-class art, and pointed to a painting, saying, "That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen! Who painted that??" Now let's say the artist was standing right next to you. How do you think that would make Him feel? Do you realize we are the artwork of God, a special painting crafted together by the master painter? Do you think it brings Him honor when we look down on ourselves? We need to stop putting down what God has made.

Many times we have self-unforgiveness issues because we blame ourselves for something, or we've done something we deeply regret, and we simply cannot let it go. We need to realize that Jesus has forgiven us of all our failures, and we need to start seeing ourselves as forgiven. Otherwise, we're denying the work of Christ in our life! If God forgave you, and you're still beating yourself up, then you don't really believe what Jesus did for you. It's that simple!

Just as we must forgive others (see Matthew 18:21-35), we need to forgive ourselves just the same. Self-hate has been known to be the root behind diseases such as lupus and crohn's disease, as well as other auto-immune diseases. We need to stop holding ourselves accountable for that which Jesus has set us free from.

If we want to be in faith, we need to BELIEVE what Jesus did for us, and part of that believing is seeing ourselves as forgiven and clothed with the righteousness of God, which is upon all who believe in the finished work of Christ. Without faith, it is impossible to please God (see Hebrews 11:6), so if you want to please God, start taking the finished work of the cross seriously, and begin to see yourself as forgiven, washed clean, and clothed in the righteousness of God. For the righteousness (right standing with God) is upon all who believe:

"Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe..." (Romans 3:22 KJV)

Unforgiveness is rooted in a lack of realization of how much God has forgiven us, and therefore we're not thankful for the steep and terrible price that Jesus paid for our own failures. This is why it is so important to mediate on what Jesus did for us, until it transforms our heart. The message of Jesus' work for us is what causes faith to arise in our hearts and transforms us from the inside out (read Romans 10:8-17).

Learning to see yourself as God sees you, and forgive yourself because you want to please God and be in faith and be thankful for what Jesus did for you, is the biggest step in overcoming self-worth issues. Of course, there are spirits that may need to be driven out as well, such as self-hate, guilt, condemnation, etc.

Receiving the love God has for us

When it comes to God's love for us, that's very obvious, considering how He loves even the sinner so much that Jesus came to die for them. Anybody who knows the message of the cross, has some knowledge of God's love for us. However, many times, we blame God for our problems, and so we don't believe the love that He has for us. Not only do we blame Him for our problems, many times we think that God gave us the sickness or problem in our life to teach us something. Nothing could be further from the truth! Jesus tells us clearly who came to kill, steal, and destroy, and who came so that we could have life and have it in abundance.

"The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10 KJV)

If we are going to receive the love that God has for us, we need to get our thinking straitened out. He's not the one behind our problems, but rather Jesus paid the full price so that we can be forgiven all our sins, both physically and emotionally healed, and blessed.

"When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick: That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." (Matthew 8:16-17 KJV)

Look at how good God's heart is toward mankind! Not only did Jesus heal them, but He proved the blessings of the covenant we have with Him today concerning our healing and deliverance. Isn't He good toward us? The reason why bad things happen to us, is because we live in a fallen world that is under the control of the evil one. It's not God's fault. He loves you. Jesus died for you.

Settling the fact that God loves you and is good toward you is crucial to restoring your God-given capacity to receive His love. If you can't receive His love, then you need to stop and ask yourself four questions:

1. Am I blaming God for anything bad that happened to me?

2. Have I been emotionally wounded in such a way that it is hindering my ability to freely receive love as God intended me to?

3. Do I have knowledge and revelation of how much God loves me? Do I have a solid Biblical understanding of how I am loved with the same kind of love that the Father has for Jesus?

4. Is there a self-worth issue that makes me feel unworthy to be loved?

Settling these issues lays a foundation for breaking free from the power of addictions. You must repair the damage and faulty thinking which hinders your ability to receive the love that God has for you.

How do you know if you are receiving God's love or if it's hindered? If you are not passionate about Jesus, then somewhere your ability to receive His love is hindered.

If you are living a life without receiving God's love in your heart on a daily bases, you are missing out on the most fulfilling life you can have here on this earth. To know God's love, which surpasses all understanding (see Philippians 4:7), dispels all our fears and gives us a sense of peace and joy that we could never otherwise know.

"And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:16-18 KJV)

What exactly is an addiction?

An addiction is formed when we try to use something other than God, to meet our need to be loved. When our ability to receive God's love into our hearts is hindered, we will feel like something is missing, and seek to fill that void with something else. When that thing, whatever it might be, fills that void, we grow to love it because it's meeting a need. Over time, we establish a relationship with that thing, and when it comes time to depart, it's like breaking up a relationship. That's why addictions are so addicting; we've relied on that thing to meet a need and we've established a relationship with it. Now when it's time to break up the love, it isn't so easy to say goodbye.

One common problem that we see when we try to deal with addictions, is where we give up one addition successfully, only to find ourself in another addiction. We might quit drinking only to start overeating, for example. We might think we're finding victory, but all we're really doing is trading one addiction for another addiction. This is because something has to fill the love-void in our hearts, and if it's not one thing, it will be another.

What about cutting or self-harm?

Cutting or self-mutation is a special type of addiction, where there's a need to either release pain in a person's heart or the person believes that they deserve to be punished for their failures. In these cases, the person certainly has an issue receiving the love that God has for them but there's another type of root that needs to be addressed as well. There's emotional pain or guilt that the person is dealing with that needs to be resolved. Finding out what happened and receiving Christ's truth concerning those areas is important for their healing. Any bondage involving guilt will need to be resolved through realizing and accepting the work of Christ on the cross for that person and they will likely need spirits of guilt, condemnation, self-hate, etc. driven out in Jesus' name. Again, getting the person to see themself for who they really are in Christ, forgiven, loved, and blessed, is crucial to lasting freedom from self-hate issues.

See yourself as lovable!

The key in uprooting most addictions is to deal with the underlying issues which are limiting their capacity to freely receive love from God and others, along with dealing with any self-worth issues by establishing an understanding of your true identity in Christ. Coming to a place where you believe you are lovable is key to receiving love in general, so dealing with self-worth issues is an important key to breaking down the walls which keep us from feeling loved. The only way to obtain a true sense of worth and value is to get a revelation of how much you are loved by God the Father, who sent His son Jesus to die for you.

Discovering the root

To discover the root of your addiction, you need to get real honest with yourself. Many times we are in denial about the pain we are feeling. Figuring out what is the root of a bondage is all about asking the right questions, and that is especially important when it comes to uprooting an addiction. Why don't we feel loved? Do we feel unlovable? (Let's stop right there; if we feel unlovable, then you've just discovered a self-worth issue that will need to be addressed.) Are you passionate about Jesus? If not, then something in hindering you from realizing how much you are loved by Him who died for you. Do you see yourself as forgiven and loved by the Father because of what Jesus did for you?

As you discover emotional wounds, you'll need to forgive (others, yourself, and God) and invite Jesus to come and heal the damage in your heart. If you don't realize how much God loves you, then you'll need to spend some time learning about what Jesus did for you on the cross, and what a terrible price He paid because He loved you so very much. Often breaking out of an addiction is a combination of emotional healing, learning about who you are in Christ, forgiving (yourself, others, and God), overcoming self-worth issues by changing how you see yourself (in light of how God sees and loves you), and casting out any spirits that came in and are enforcing the addictive behavior. Spirits behind guilt, condemnation, etc. also need to be driven out, as they seek to keep us from fully seeing what Jesus did for us on the cross.

Dealing with the issues underlying an addiction is key to uprooting it permanently. If you want lasting freedom and wholeness in this area of your life, you will have to deal with the issues that have limited your capacity to receive love, especially the love that God has for you.

HOW TO LOVE A GIRL WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED.

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.

She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.

Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability to step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.

Related Read:

HOW TO LOVE A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TRULY LOVED.

HOW TO LOVE A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN TRULY LOVED.

“A wise woman knows the importance of speaking life into her man. If you love him: believe in him, encourage him and be his peace.” ~ Denzel Washington

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to venture into a journey of love with never ending optimism and hope.

A man who has never been truly loved may not believe in the awe inspiring, soul shaking connection that can exist between two people.

This wonderful man of ours will be reluctant with his heart—and he may run away at times, preferring the quiet of solitude to sort through his thoughts.

He is the quiet of the stars and the hush of soft lips upon our collarbone.

He is going to have one foot on the gas—and one on the brake, unsure how to best go about navigating this new world of love and intimacy.

If our man has never truly been loved—it won’t be for his lack of trying, but for his lack of vulnerability.

To experience love, we have to open ourselves up to it—and that means opening ourselves up to the possibility of hurt as much as the chance of never ending bliss.

A man who has never had his soul touched by true love may have a list of failed relationships for which he blames himself.

He may question his ability to love altogether—he wonders if there is something inherently wrong with—love hasn’t come easy for him like it seems to for others.

He may question if life is better alone, because at least in the shadows of solitude he feels safe—he knows there is no chance of hurt and disappointment.

The greatest gift we can give a man who has never been truly loved is our patience while he gains the courage necessary to embark upon the journey into lasting love.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to truly teach him what love is all about—although it isn’t done with poetic lyrics of forever, but instead in the simple actions of true love.

It’s taught in the quiet, patient, uncomplicated moments that show him what he’s been missing by playing life safe from the sidelines.

It’s languid interludes and pressure free nights of laughter and hot kisses—it’s letting what will be will be, knowing there is no reason to rush the secrets of our hearts.

Because it seems he’s confused lust with genuine love.

While he may have said tempestuous words to another—and heard them himself—he has never experienced what it really feels like to be looking into the eyes of a woman who holds the key to his heart.

Often, in the ignorance of youth, we are self-doubting and we believe that any love worth having is one that we cling to—that if it’s not difficult, or painful, then it really isn’t love.

These were relationships based in jealousy, insecurity and the fear that at any moment it could end.

But this isn’t how to really love a man—or a woman for that matter.

To decide to love a man who has never been truly loved is to understand that the going may be slow at times, because to do anything for the first time takes a bold sense of courage. Our love knows that he’s venturing into something that is new—he may not know how to navigate these new waters.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to expect that he may not know what love really is. He may not understand his feelings and may question each step along the way.

This love affair will be a dance of both patience and passion.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to appreciate that the best things take time. It’s a kind of love that has to seep in from the edges until we both become soaked by its power.

There is always another day to get it right.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to be willing to open our heart and soul to him long before he does to us. He’s going to be waiting for the ball to drop at any time—simply because that is what he is used to.

It’s an appreciation that while he has loved, most likely he has never been truly in love himself. It may not be because he has locked his heart away, but instead because he has yet to find someone patient enough to wait until all the locks are removed.

Some men are more careful with their hearts than others and sometimes no matter how much they want to be in love—they can’t make themselves feel something that they don’t.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to make the commitment to stay true to ourselves, because the only way to gain the trust of a man like this is to show him that we want to see each and every part of him—both his light and his dark sides.

It’s supporting him silently from the sidelines, letting him know that he can count on us.

It’s not judging his path or the choices he makes, it’s not putting him down because we don’t understand him—and it’s especially not ever giving up on him.

It’s supporting him in all that he does, even if we know he’s making a mistake—because really there are no such thing as mistakes—only lessons learned.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to make the choice to be his strongest supporter and biggest ally.

It’s wanting to be his best friend as much as his lover. Although we may teach him about love, he’s going to teach us about life—this balance truly lets love grow.

To love a man who has never been truly loved is to make the choice to wait—with our hearts open and our eyes clear of doubt until he decides he is ready to take our hand and embark upon the adventure of love together.

Relephant read:

HOW TO LOVE A GIRL WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE LOVED.