HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Establishing and maintaining healthy relationships:  Why bother? 
    
Humans are social creatures... there is no doubt about that.  In order to survive we need contact with others, especially in infancy and childhood when we are unable to properly meet all of our daily survival needs, such as obtaining food.  Our reliance on others does not end in childhood, though.  As adolescents and adults we depend on others for our physical survival as well as our psychological well-being.  The number of people in our life is not as important as the quality of those relationships.  Studies indicate that people with a strong social network have less illness, recuperate quicker if they do get ill, live longer and have a greater sense of well-being.  Whether it be with a roommate, a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, a boss or a professor, building and maintaining healthy relationships is important for good health. The is no doubt that we function better when we relate effectively to others.      Some people believe that good relationships just "happen", or that some people have good "chemistry" with others.  Although some relationships seem to grow with little effort, all worthwhile relationships require effort both to establish and to maintain. Qualities of healthy relationships      How do you know if your relationships are healthy?  The following are some of the qualities that help build strong human connections. These qualities can be found in all types of relationships, although some may be more relevant in intimate bonds (e.g. a lover) than in casual relationships (e.g. a bank teller).   In the following list, the term partner refers to the person with whom you share a relationship and can include a lover, a friend, parent, teacher, supervisor, etc.  Examine your individual relationships using these criteria to determine if they contribute to overall health and well-being.

Both partners feel free to express their thoughts, feelings and needs without being judged, criticized, or dismissed.

Each partner maintains his or her own individuality and uniqueness.  It is common for people to be introduced to new ideas or activities after forming a relationship with another person.  This can even help a person grow.  However, if you find yourself changing your interests, activities or friends, or doing things you don't enjoy in order to become closer to someone, you may be in a relationship that is not conducive to health and well-being.

Both partners use effective communication skills.  These include both verbal and non-verbal communication skills, along with listening skills.  Some tips for effective communication are listed below, and more information can be found later in this chapter.
Always start a discussion in a positive way.  For example, if you have identified a problem and wish to discuss it, you can start a conversation by saying "I value our relationship and IÕve been concerned about something that I would like to discuss."
Phrase problems as questions to invite solutions and cooperation.  Instead of saying "You aren't doing your share of the housework", try "Do you find that we are equally sharing household responsibilities?" and go from there.
Speak from your perspective by using "I" statements and avoid accusatory "you" statements.  Instead of saying "You never keep your word", try "I find that there is a discrepancy between what you say and what you do."
Stick to the point at hand and avoid going off on a tangent.  Effective communication is focused, clear and concise.
Ask questions when you need clarification.  Don't expect the other person to be a mind-reader and don't assume that they will "know" what you mean.
Aim for agreement on problems, not a victory.  Look for solutions where both your needs are met. Treat each other with respect and kindness at all times.

Both partners share important values and beliefs.  This becomes more significant as bonds become closer and more intimate. Surely, friends can disagree on some important topics such as religion and politics.  However, in healthy friendships, there would be more shared ideas than ideas that differ. 
In intimate relationships, sharing important values is the glue that keeps a couple together.
What is the future of a couple where one partner values family and definitely wants children while the other partner doesn't ?
Too often, partners don't discuss values and beliefs. 
Part of the reason for this may be because we, as individuals, may not be clear about what we value or believe.  To build strong connections, examine your own values and beliefs and share them with others

In intimate relationships, each partner views the other as an equal.  One partner is not better (or worse) than the other.

  Both partners appreciate each other's differences rather than use them to separate and cause conflict. There is an ability to effectively resolve conflict and solve problems.
Conflict is an almost inevitable part of relationships. This is particularly true in relationships were the partners rely on each other and are very close. 
Some people think that conflict is an indication that a relationship is not healthy. 
In fact, conflict itself does not indicate that a relationship is not going well; instead, it is how the partners resolve conflict that determines if the relationship is healthy or not. 
Conflict resolution requires a planned approach.   See the section on problem solving, conflict resolution and negotiation for more details. Play, humour and having fun together is commonplace. There is a balance of giving and receiving. Other meaningful relationships and interests exist. Each partner  needs are met to his or her satisfaction.

Building healthy relationships takes work, so don't be discouraged if your relationships don't have all the qualities outlined above. Instead, identify which qualities are lacking and take steps to work on them.  Also, remember that as relationships grow closer and more intimate, the qualities become more relevant.